CJ's Recipe for Almost Brownies

[cjsmith]

0. Book with recipe
1. 3oz. semi-sweet chocolate
2. 3oz. ... oops, I only have 2oz. unsweetened chocolate
3. Another ounce of semi-sweet to make up for it
4. Butter, flour, eggs, etc
5. A nut grinder
6. 2pr. pliers
7. Oven which, on Saturday, took 2hrs instead of 1hr to make meatloaf

Open book. Realize that the worst part of this whole brownie thing is chopping up the chocolate. Get out the nut grinder. Attempt to chop up chocolate with nut grinder. Produce tiny volume of what appears to be cocoa powder. Hear bad noise. Stop.

Open up nut grinder. Use pliers to rearrange all the cutting tines. Alternately crank and pry until bad noise stops. Give up and chop the chocolate the "hard" way. Get surprised by how fast and easy the "hard" way is.

Melt chocolate and butter, add eggs etc, pour into pan.

Burn the whole thing because the oven has now decided to cook faster than normal.

Comments

[aelfie.livejournal.com]

"whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing [at you] behind your back."

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

Hey! That's my line!

And since I'm going to Burn in Hell anyway, I can't resist:

At least you remembered the flour.

[hopeforyou.livejournal.com]

Yes... but the flames are prettier if you forget the flour.

Just sayin'.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ooo, I didn't get to that part. That must be the good part.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Are you referring to my carrot cake lo these many years ago (can't remember whether I told you that story) or something in your own past? :-) Wait, I seem to recall some story about Amanda along these lines as well. What is it about flour?

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

I was referring to the Amanda story. She made brownies but forgot the flour. It made a lovely dessert topping. The best part of the story is that her sister independently did the same thing a couple of months later. So it's genetic.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Maybe it was a fast-moving virus. I have no idea if my carrot cake was at or near the same time as the two sisters' brownies, but it's the one and only time in my life I've ever done that!

[psi-star-psi.livejournal.com]

It was Fall '93. So it's possible, but a narrow window, since we'd just met you at Quads.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ah. Mine was way earlier, probably 1988 or so.

I was a latent carrier! She caught it from me, bwahahahaaaaaa!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Not behind her back. That's to her face this time.

One of those evenings, eh CJ?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Eh well. :) At least I made (what for NOW APPEARS to be) perfectly serviceable pizzelle dough that evening as well. My oven can't ruin THAT! It's made in a waffle-iron-thing!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Mmmmm... waffle pizza dough... ;-)

Do you have a good oven thermometer? Something is obviously wonky.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I don't, but I can see that oven may need fixin' soon.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Last night I could hear it!

Chopping chocolate.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

If it's a small amount of "dry" chocolate, a coffee grinder works well.

If it's fairly "moist"/rich chocolate, use a blender or food processor.

In all cases, "pulse" the chocolate, or it will grind down too small and start to melt.

Some people have suggested that refrigerating the chocolate makes it more brittle and easier to chop. While this is true, it can also dull your blade if you're not careful.

And if you're going to melt the chocolate anyway ... just dump it into a double boiler and don't worry about chopping it up first.

Re: Chopping chocolate.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

This was one of those $2 nut-grinders that works by turning a crank. I was really surprised by how flimsy the cutting tines were, frankly. I have not yet chopped nuts in this thing and I suspect it wouldn't hold up under those for long either. When looking for nut grinders I saw a surprisingly large number of fancy coffee grinders offered for the purpose. I was cheap. :)

I find semi-sweet baker's and unsweetened are brittle enough to cut. Apparently adding sugar makes it more ductile!

I melt chocolate in the microwave (hey, if it's good enough for Alice Medrich), and chopping it up definitely helps that step go more smoothly. Zap on medium for 30sec, stir a while, zap for 30 sec, etc.

Re: Chopping chocolate.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Microwaving chocolate is fine, if you're watching it very closely. I tend to take a slightly more scattershot approach. If I'm cooking something involving melting chocolate, I'm usually doing several things at once ... so nuking chocolate usually results in burned chocolate. I personally find it easier to dump chocolate into a double-boiler, where it won't (easily) scorch if I forget about it for 10 minutes. ;)

Cooking For Klutzes. That's me.

Re: Chopping chocolate.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'm willing to do it in short bursts. I like the fact that microwaves, unlike most conventional ovens, QUIT COOKING after a specified time. :-)

Cooking For Klutzes. That's me.

You and me, man. That nut grinder was a *mess*.

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

I think you should call these the Brownies of Despair. They could go in the Jean-Paul Sartre cookbook (http://www-berkeley.ansys.com/wayne/sartre-cookbook.html).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Awesome! These are but the first tiny, meaningless step towards such a profoundly hollow achievement. :)

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

{laughs} :)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Oh dear... :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah. Oopsie. :)

[melanie.livejournal.com]

you know that silent laughter you get when you run out of air? i was doing that.

boy, can i relate. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Woohoo, I got the silent can't-breathe laughter! 8-)

Yeah, some days are just Not Good Kitchen Days.

i'm laughing *with* you, really!

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

any recipe that calls for pliers has *got* to be a good one. ;-) makes my ears perk and think "ooh! kinky cooking!"

you might find that your nut grinder works well on nuts, esp. walnuts. mom's ancient nut grinder made short work of a bag of walnuts; only having to dump the tiny jar slowed me down.

i'm about to bake 'nana bread; here's hoping this curse has weakened or passed completely

Re: i'm laughing *with* you, really!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Good luck with the 'nana bread! Or maybe I shouldn't wish you any kind of luck, because what I have might rub off. :)

Re: i'm laughing *with* you, really!

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

'nana bread came out a little more "golden brown" than i'd like, but i think it's still edible. i'm taking it to work tomorrow to lavish on the other secretaries.

i should get an oven thermometer; this oven seems to run a bit hot. at least this oven doesn't require a screwdriver to operate. ;-)

*fans the 'nana bread smell your way*

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

You definitely need to do something about that oven! I feel your pain. When I was growing up, we had a really old oven that was fairly consistent temperature-wise but had long since had all the temperature markings rubbed off. It just had a little line on the dial that pointed down when it was off, but it had nothing to point to. For years, all the cooking directions I learned from my mom would include lines like "Put it in at 2 o'clock for 60 minutes." I was the only one that understood that 2 o'clock was a temperature setting. :)

Of course, this also explains why I can't cook. ;) So I recommend a good little thermometer to hang in your oven.