Memories of a person

[cjsmith]

All right, gals, raise your hands: how many of you got to read something like Growing Up and Liking It at or near puberty? (Link courtesy amywithani, who succinctly describes this thing as "creepy".) In this one, three girls close to menarche discuss puberty and menstruation with each other by writing letters.

I was given this very booklet. I remember to this day that each girl had her own font, and I had a vague memory that they all had different background colors too. I remembered very little of the wording (and that's probably for the best).

I read it before the move to Natick, making me very close to nine years old. My folks signed on the Natick house on my ninth birthday. I might have been eight still, but not by much.

Nine. Yup. As I recall, my mother at age eleven hadn't been told what would happen, and she was terrified when she saw blood, so she was determined that wouldn't be the way it was for her daughters. So, nine. Or maybe eight. She explained where babies came from, too. I suppose I was a well-educated nine-year-old. (Guys my father's age were already hitting on me, so I suppose in retrospect that it was a good thing I had a bit of clue.)

Oddly enough, even with all these flowery descriptions and warnings, for me puberty wasn't terrifying to look forward to. I understood the birds and the bees and was firm in my conviction that I would "never do that" -- and my mother, bless her heart, didn't let slip that I might not have a choice. I knew there'd be blood, and that everyone said it was okay, so I naively assumed that it would in fact be okay. No one anywhere admitted that it would hurt. So looking forward to it wasn't bad. I just assumed puberty wouldn't affect me. After all, even at age nine, I already knew I wasn't a girl, I was a person.

O'course, once it hit, it was truly awfully bad. And the denial about the pain continued -- even after it DID hurt, and I SAID so, no one would admit that there was any possibility I might be right. And it wasn't long before I figured out that in many ways I wasn't a person after all, no, not if I was a girl. (The guys my father's age helped out a lot in opening my eyes here. But then again, so did lots of folks: my teachers, a coupla my early boyfriends, a doctor or two.)

Twenty-five years later there is hope that I might get rid of the pain surgically. It could cost me every penny I have, or only some. I could spend months recuperating from the surgery, or only a few weeks. I just don't know. I suppose I could throw a party. Shall I call it my twelfth birthday or so as a "person"? Maybe one day I can grow up to be something cool, like a Blue Angels pilot.

I also want a pony.

Comments

[portia.livejournal.com]

I think my friend may have had this pamphlet but I never read it.

The book I remember reading that taught me about this stuff was Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440904196/qid=1100580946/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/104-8509079-7677558). My mom never told me anything. Later she said she just figured that I knew more than she did. :o)

Anyway, all my anxiety about getting my period was for naught since I never got one! Yay for being born without a uterus!!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That is SUCH A WIN! Did you ever get sad about not being able to have children, or was that not a dream you had? Unless you want children of your own body, no-uterus seems to me to be the ultimate in wonderful ways to live. :-)

[portia.livejournal.com]

Never was sad. Never wanted kids, even before I knew I couldn't get pregnant. There is not a maternal bone in my body. I have never, not even once, been sorry that I don't have a uterus.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I bet I wouldn't've been either. How incredibly lucky can ya get? :-) I do know some women would be sad about it though. (mutter mutter crazy mutter)

[portia.livejournal.com]

The only bad part about my lack of a uterus has been that I'm not terribly sympathetic to my employees who call in sick due to cramps, or when they complain about PMS. And I hate when women talk about tampons and other feminine hygiene products. I am just so out of it when it comes to that stuff and it embarrasses me when they talk about it and look expectantly at me to agree with them.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I can imagine you'd hate the assumptions around all those conversations. You get stuck with the choice of nodding inanely or telling them bits of your medical history that you might not particularly feel like sharing.

[portia.livejournal.com]

I nod inanely.

:o)