Memories of a person

[cjsmith]

All right, gals, raise your hands: how many of you got to read something like Growing Up and Liking It at or near puberty? (Link courtesy amywithani, who succinctly describes this thing as "creepy".) In this one, three girls close to menarche discuss puberty and menstruation with each other by writing letters.

I was given this very booklet. I remember to this day that each girl had her own font, and I had a vague memory that they all had different background colors too. I remembered very little of the wording (and that's probably for the best).

I read it before the move to Natick, making me very close to nine years old. My folks signed on the Natick house on my ninth birthday. I might have been eight still, but not by much.

Nine. Yup. As I recall, my mother at age eleven hadn't been told what would happen, and she was terrified when she saw blood, so she was determined that wouldn't be the way it was for her daughters. So, nine. Or maybe eight. She explained where babies came from, too. I suppose I was a well-educated nine-year-old. (Guys my father's age were already hitting on me, so I suppose in retrospect that it was a good thing I had a bit of clue.)

Oddly enough, even with all these flowery descriptions and warnings, for me puberty wasn't terrifying to look forward to. I understood the birds and the bees and was firm in my conviction that I would "never do that" -- and my mother, bless her heart, didn't let slip that I might not have a choice. I knew there'd be blood, and that everyone said it was okay, so I naively assumed that it would in fact be okay. No one anywhere admitted that it would hurt. So looking forward to it wasn't bad. I just assumed puberty wouldn't affect me. After all, even at age nine, I already knew I wasn't a girl, I was a person.

O'course, once it hit, it was truly awfully bad. And the denial about the pain continued -- even after it DID hurt, and I SAID so, no one would admit that there was any possibility I might be right. And it wasn't long before I figured out that in many ways I wasn't a person after all, no, not if I was a girl. (The guys my father's age helped out a lot in opening my eyes here. But then again, so did lots of folks: my teachers, a coupla my early boyfriends, a doctor or two.)

Twenty-five years later there is hope that I might get rid of the pain surgically. It could cost me every penny I have, or only some. I could spend months recuperating from the surgery, or only a few weeks. I just don't know. I suppose I could throw a party. Shall I call it my twelfth birthday or so as a "person"? Maybe one day I can grow up to be something cool, like a Blue Angels pilot.

I also want a pony.

Comments

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

for me puberty wasn't terrifying to look forward to. I understood the birds and the bees

I can see how that could be terrifying for those who have to go through menstruation, especially if there isn't good foreknowledge. I understood all the basic physical stuff before I was six - my mom was an RN with a well-stocked library, and I was (still am) a curious kid who never had any media censored. Of course, I didn't have a uterus to deal with personally, either.

Maybe one day I can grow up to be something cool, like a Blue Angels pilot.

Grow up? You keep using those words. *scratches head*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I can see how that could be terrifying for those who have to go through menstruation, especially if there isn't good foreknowledge.

Yeah, every family seems to have its story of so-and-so who was convinced she was dying.

Grow up? You keep using those words. *scratches head*

I will define myself as grown up when I can have a dog. O'course, seeing as how I'm away from the house ten-twelve hours a day easy, and I don't have a yard to speak of, and I'll never have a housewife or kids to do any chores, it might be a good long while before I can have a dog!

[pixiecrinkle.livejournal.com]

My mom gave me a book, which had a lot of pencil drawings that scared the crap out of me (they made public hair look ultra creepy) and the soft focus lovey dovey 1970s mother daughter photography on the cover really made me feel it was an exceptionally dorky book.

At school, when we watched "the movie" we got a companion booklet, called "Julie's Story" put out by Proctor and Gamble, who also later mailed each and every one of us girls a starter kit full of their products. I still have my pamphlet somewhere.

I just remember feeling like something was very amiss, because we saw the movie 2 days after I got my first period (age 10) and the only other girl I knew who had hers was named Julie, so we totally thought it was a conspiracy.

And then there was the fact that the guys went to the gym to play basketball while we watched the movie. Everyone else I've talked to said the boys either watched the same movie separately, or another male oriented one. Nope, not in my school. No such thing as sex ed here!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

or kids to do any chores

Oh, that's what those are for! *scampers off* ;-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

A pony is a lot more work than a dog. Want a pony? :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Heh, no way will I ever actually be grown up enough for a pony! :-)

("I want a pony" is my code phrase for "I am wanting way too much here".)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I don't remember getting any useful education in school, unless you count the, ahem, practical learning I and my male classmates did. :-) I'm sure we got something. I must have memorized the spelling of gonorrhea some time. But I don't remember it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

"What good are elves if they don't do chores?"

What am I quoting here, On Golden Pond or something? Gah, I'm hopeless. :)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Sorry, you've actually managed to dredge up a reference for which I don't know the source. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh wow. I'm usually the one who knows no references at all. I suppose I have a few, but they're unusual ones! :-)

[ambar.livejournal.com]

I don't think wanting to live without pain is wanting way too much.

One pony, OTOH, is just about right. Or maybe two. Five... I think I am approaching way too much. :-)

(Then there is my friend Michael, who is "almost single handedly" tending to 45 ponies. One person's retirement is another person's ...)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I agree that living without pain is a reasonable thing to want, although my inner Buddhist warns that wanting something I can't have only makes things worse.

Five with a full-time non-pony job and going to school, now there you may indeed have way too much. :-)

Wow, 45 ponies sounds a little too much like work!

[firecat]

Oh, I haven't thought about that book since I last had it in my hands (I guess I was 11 or so?). What impressed me most was the cool fonts.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I've barely thought about it either, over the years, although for some reason the snippet "What is a uterus? Write back immediately, if not sooner!" has stuck in my mind. But the memories are all there when I see just a bit of the book in the right fonts. The human brain is a wild and wondrous thing.

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Maybe one day I can grow up to be something cool, like a Blue Angels pilot.

When Blue Angels grow up and get really good at flying, they become Thunderbirds!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*grin*!

(I presume biological-males-only in that group too, of course?)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

no, i don't recall getting that pamphlet/booklet. And, thanks to the timing of my 5th grade move to a new town, i didn't have any sort of school education on this (or related) subjects until 8th grade, nearly 4 years too late. :P

my education at home wasn't much better. we were on our way home from vacation when my first period came, and the extent of my "education" was mom shoving a pad through the rest-stop bathroom stall to me, and then showing me where the supplies were kept when we got home. Everything else i've figured out on my own, through magazines/books, or with the help of friends.

(actually, tonight's NaNo brain dump was freakishly close to this topic. i might even post it!)

The USAF, the last of the 'old boy's clubs'

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*sigh* It shames me to admit it, but I can not find evidence of a female Thunderbird pilot. A couple of years ago I did some research and discovered that of the 12,000 plus pilots in the Air Force (pretty much a requirement for a command-track career) only 400 or so were black and only 300 or so were women.

[ambar.livejournal.com]

Well, "without pain" may be a little strong. I don't think I even began to understand your rage vis-a-vis the female body until you wrote that recent summary posting and I realized just *how* long it had been *that* bad.

I whinge about my knees, and asthma can be deadly very quickly, but for the most part I'm grateful that I can manage better living through chemistry and really don't have to ponder better living through surgery, yanno?

[abenn.livejournal.com]

My doctor, who runs Harmony Women's Health (http://www.harmonywomenshealth.com/web/) is the best. She specializes in pelvic pain, and if there's a less expensive/less intrusive way to deal with your pain she will find it. She's not cheap to see the first time, but I found the cost to be very worth it: she spends a lot of time with you and actually listens.

[portia.livejournal.com]

I think my friend may have had this pamphlet but I never read it.

The book I remember reading that taught me about this stuff was Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret
(http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0440904196/qid=1100580946/sr=2-1/ref=pd_ka_b_2_1/104-8509079-7677558). My mom never told me anything. Later she said she just figured that I knew more than she did. :o)

Anyway, all my anxiety about getting my period was for naught since I never got one! Yay for being born without a uterus!!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I hear ya, although to be fair I don't fear surgery all that much. I'm annoyed that it takes time and money, but I am lucky in that I tend to heal fast... and when doctors say "pain" I admit I say "ha". :-)

So surgery isn't sounding too terrible. I mean, if it'd fix it...! Wow!

Re: The USAF, the last of the 'old boy's clubs'

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

A higher ratio than among civilian pilots. (I read some numbers stating the percentage of pilots who are women has held steady at 3% since roughly Earhart's day. I wonder if I could find that article again.)

The Navy doesn't have female Blue Angels pilots, either. I was at an airshow once, at a booth selling souvenir stuff, and my enthusiasm for the formation aerobatics teams led some guy to ask me when I'd be a Blue Angel. I said "when I grow a penis", and I think he was actually surprised or something. :-)

I *love* acro. I have a healthy respect for tight formation flying. I deeply, deeply respect the skill of folks like the Thunderbirds. Those pilots are GOOD.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I do go to her. I got her recommendation through, I think, dawnd, who might have recommended her on the strength of your experience. :-)

IME, she's not cheap to see ever! :-) You're right about finding non-intrusive things. She keeps trying stuff and so far a lot of it *changes* stuff but none of it *works*. I just hope I can go ahead and ask for the surgery, since she's told me that what I have can indeed be fixed surgically! Not easily, but it can! 25 years is enough. I'm ready. Bring on that knife and let me heal up! :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That is SUCH A WIN! Did you ever get sad about not being able to have children, or was that not a dream you had? Unless you want children of your own body, no-uterus seems to me to be the ultimate in wonderful ways to live. :-)