Some days are rough.

[cjsmith]

[LJ-CUT TEXT="whining inside"]

Objectively I should be having a good day. I got to the post office this morning, had lunch with some old friends (and handed over a T-shirt for one of 'em, thus getting the dang thing out of my car), and made a phone call to my foot doctor (I'm GIVING UP @#$!IT KILL THE NERVES). "Progress," I should be saying happily. What's more, none of my chronic pain conditions are bad right now.

But "objectively" doesn't cut it, somehow. I'm getting nothing done at work, and I feel pretty bad about that. I don't feel good about my work -- not about "my job", that part's fine -- so I get avoidant, which makes things worse. Then there's my health. I have dreams of running again some day, and though I know it shouldn't matter, those dreams are tarnished when I hear about my coworker coming back from an ultramarathon (having just beat his personal best time for 150 miles) and my sister running her first marathon. Somehow I want to ask these people "And what would you do if you had THIS body? This body that can't walk a mile? Where would everyone's cheers for you be then, huh?"

Since I'm already blue, I remember that I spent a three-day weekend basically alone, because the friends I wanted to spend time with were far away or were busy; I remember that I need a fairly annoying surgery and I don't know how to pay for it or even when to schedule it; I remember that despite a lot of effort, I still don't know how I'm going to create a financially secure retirement for myself.

I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. On days like today, that hurts a great deal.

Comments

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh my god -- you look so much like me that I had to do a double-take and make sure I hadn't posted a reply without knowing it! :)

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

LOL! That's one of my favourite haircuts too. Sassy and easy at the same time! Although right now I'm growing mine out ... sloooooooooooowly.

That's a great haircolour - mind if I ask which it is?

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

I'm growing mine out, too (my hair takes FOREVER to grow!)! The pic is a few years old (from my sister's wedding, which is why my hair is so neat:), but I choose those shades of red pretty frequently.

That haircolor is Performing Preference Brightest Auburn (I think -- I'm always in search of the perfect red:). My recent color is this one (http://www.medichest.com/lorealferiapurepowerredsflamingredr75kit.html). I looked a little Ronald McDonald-ish for a couple of days, but it's settled down quite nicely.

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I wear glasses sometimes, too -- and they are VERY similar to yours! :)

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

Oooh I love Feria's reds ... they just refuse to stay put. It's like I have to dye my hair weekly to maintain the colour.

I've been using Herbal Essences - I think it's "Radiant Dark Auburn" lately. It goes on REALLY dark (I leave it on for at least an hour), but that gives me plenty of colour through to when the roots get bad enough for me to have to dye again.

(I wonder if CJ's tired of this conversation yet? *grin*)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Not at all - it's always interesting to get a glimpse of something I wouldn't ordinarily think about, like what hair color stays better. (I'm thinking of cutting my hair short soon for a variety of reasons. Afterward I may very well decide to color it!)

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

Oh good. I often worry about tangent conversations in someone else's journal. *grin*

Pass the length you cut off to me? I need mine longer! ;)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Gladly! :)

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Wow, an HOUR -- I don't think I could stand to have it on my head for that long. But I've never tried Herbal Essences -- what colors are good to try?

(I wonder if CJ's tired of this conversation yet? *grin*)

Heh, well Ceej?? :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I haven't seen a picture of you in ages! Last I looked you had curls all around your face. It was a theater photo. I like this haircut on you too! I love how your earring peeks out.

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Heh -- thanks -- it's way neater in the pic than me in real life. The picture was taken on the day of my sister's wedding (June 2000).

Hope you're having a better day!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Today is definitely a better day!