Some days are rough.

[cjsmith]

[LJ-CUT TEXT="whining inside"]

Objectively I should be having a good day. I got to the post office this morning, had lunch with some old friends (and handed over a T-shirt for one of 'em, thus getting the dang thing out of my car), and made a phone call to my foot doctor (I'm GIVING UP @#$!IT KILL THE NERVES). "Progress," I should be saying happily. What's more, none of my chronic pain conditions are bad right now.

But "objectively" doesn't cut it, somehow. I'm getting nothing done at work, and I feel pretty bad about that. I don't feel good about my work -- not about "my job", that part's fine -- so I get avoidant, which makes things worse. Then there's my health. I have dreams of running again some day, and though I know it shouldn't matter, those dreams are tarnished when I hear about my coworker coming back from an ultramarathon (having just beat his personal best time for 150 miles) and my sister running her first marathon. Somehow I want to ask these people "And what would you do if you had THIS body? This body that can't walk a mile? Where would everyone's cheers for you be then, huh?"

Since I'm already blue, I remember that I spent a three-day weekend basically alone, because the friends I wanted to spend time with were far away or were busy; I remember that I need a fairly annoying surgery and I don't know how to pay for it or even when to schedule it; I remember that despite a lot of effort, I still don't know how I'm going to create a financially secure retirement for myself.

I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. On days like today, that hurts a great deal.

Comments

[wcg.livejournal.com]

*hug* You have a pretty good life to show for it, but I know that doesn't seem to mean much to you right now.

[branwynelf.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

*hugs* I'm resisting the physical side of aging. I'm trying to tell myself, "So, what I just turned 39. I don't feel like it mentally, so my body should follow suit." I know, it doesn't work like that, but hey.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. :-J

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. You understand... :-J

What makes a life a "good life"? Questions like that are disproportionately difficult on grumpy days.

[katestine.livejournal.com]

There's something in air I think... today is my birthday and I've been feeling like that all day long. Mostly the retirement and my future stuff, although thankfully I was too busy at work to brood.

We will cheer for you even if it's just bc you walked from your car to your front door. Even if that's a royal we.

[butterfly-smile.livejournal.com]

Hugs Hugs and more hugs.
If would like some company we are having GNO on friday.
Let me know if you would like to join us.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yep, it doesn't work like that. But people seem to think it does. So many people out there give big kudos to folks who are active into their golden years... as if good genes are indicative of a virtuous nature, somehow, or as if "thinking young" gets rid of very real pain, or as if the disease that blindsided the *other* guy were somehow his own fault. (Granted, we can take care of ourselves or we can not. But that's not all there is to it.)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

You can probably guess that I can relate. :/ I think half my fussiness about dating comes from here. (The other half is that fussiness about dating is my way.)

And no matter how many people try to tell you how or why to feel differently, sometimes feelings are just there.

[anisoptera.livejournal.com]

There is active and there is active. I have 80 year old clients who are considered "robust" but have aches an pains every day. I have 30 year old clients who are the same. Some people are 80 at 30. Some people are 30 at 80.

(I hope that make some sense.)

I think a "good life" is doing what you can for yourself and what you can for others. You certainly seem to be doing both. Everyone has pain of some kind. You just need a bit of encouragement to remind you of what a wonderful person you are.

[rfrench.livejournal.com]

Hugs! It probably doesn't help that I haven't let you sleep in days with this dang cold.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

And no matter how many people try to tell you how or why to feel differently, sometimes feelings are just there.

Recognizing that is quite valuable and I always find you so cool when you remind people of that.

I'm sorry today sucks, CJ. I hope that tomorrow is better.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I want to say something more constructive than, "Yeah, I *know*!" But there *isn't* anything constructive I can say. I'm going through something very similar, triggered by cleaning out a closet which contained a box which contained my school reports. Doing that whole "I have not lived up to my potential and now it's too late" thing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You can probably guess that I can relate.

No kidding. :-O Some days I want to run around hollering about luck and the fact that sh*t happens. I want to ask people what their values are (some people and some cultures think luck IS a virtue, though I don't particularly). Then I think, "CJ, that's childish; don't go knocking down someone else's sandcastle just because yours isn't as pretty."

And no matter how many people try to tell you how or why to feel differently, sometimes feelings are just there.

Yep. I really wish that weren't true (when the feelings are icky) but wishin' don' make it so. :-J

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Blegh. We need air filters!

I'm sorry to hear that you've been grumping a bit too. (That "future" thing is enough to knock a lot of us for a loop.) And I thank you enormously for the cheers. Some days, car to front door requires planning and concentration.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

sebab's pain lately is worse than anything I can imagine right now. That doesn't mean I wasn't cussing while I was trying to tidy the kitchen this afternoon because my knees and hip are acting up. There's really no compare, we all do what we can.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you!! Where's the GNO? If the driving-to-socializing ratio is less than one I might very well join you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah - I think I'm 80 at 30, sadly, and it pisses me off. I don't deserve this. :-((( (Poor me. As my mom would say: One, two, three, AWWW.)

I think a "good life" is doing what you can for yourself and what you can for others.

I like that -- both of those things are big in my value system. I'll chew on that for a while. Thank you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I wonder if sleep loss has anything to do with this. Gotta admit I have the feeling I've been sleeping MORE... maybe that's an illusion, though.

You're in the same boat about the sleep though, if not worse. Anything we-as-a-team can do to improve things?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh gah. I bet that one's insidious! And I'm sure it doesn't help to hold academic potential up alongside everything else in your life and say "hey, I like all these elements I do have in my life". After all, when the back of the brain gets going on one of these jags, it thinks you could have (and there's no excuse not to have!) done all of BOTH.

Blegh. Grr. Pththththtbt.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

True, there's no compare. I do sometimes look at someone whose physical pain is greater than my own in order to give myself perspective to get out of my grump.

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. I hate grumpy days!

[butterfly-smile.livejournal.com]

It is at my house in pacifica.
I can send a evite about it if you leave me your e-mail address.