Some days are rough.

[cjsmith]

[LJ-CUT TEXT="whining inside"]

Objectively I should be having a good day. I got to the post office this morning, had lunch with some old friends (and handed over a T-shirt for one of 'em, thus getting the dang thing out of my car), and made a phone call to my foot doctor (I'm GIVING UP @#$!IT KILL THE NERVES). "Progress," I should be saying happily. What's more, none of my chronic pain conditions are bad right now.

But "objectively" doesn't cut it, somehow. I'm getting nothing done at work, and I feel pretty bad about that. I don't feel good about my work -- not about "my job", that part's fine -- so I get avoidant, which makes things worse. Then there's my health. I have dreams of running again some day, and though I know it shouldn't matter, those dreams are tarnished when I hear about my coworker coming back from an ultramarathon (having just beat his personal best time for 150 miles) and my sister running her first marathon. Somehow I want to ask these people "And what would you do if you had THIS body? This body that can't walk a mile? Where would everyone's cheers for you be then, huh?"

Since I'm already blue, I remember that I spent a three-day weekend basically alone, because the friends I wanted to spend time with were far away or were busy; I remember that I need a fairly annoying surgery and I don't know how to pay for it or even when to schedule it; I remember that despite a lot of effort, I still don't know how I'm going to create a financially secure retirement for myself.

I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. On days like today, that hurts a great deal.

Comments

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Heh -- thanks -- it's way neater in the pic than me in real life. The picture was taken on the day of my sister's wedding (June 2000).

Hope you're having a better day!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Today is definitely a better day!