What's in a social life?

[cjsmith]

Mostly-fun square dance weekend. Very social-interaction-intensive context got me thinking. What do I want out of a social life? Why do I choose the friends I choose... or do I choose? Do I instead mostly let others do the choosing? Whatever I do, is it getting me what I want?

It's easy to compare myself with Rob in this context. In the square dance world, we select friends very differently. Rob likes them young, energetic, margarita-drinking, and physically attractive. I like a positive attitude, intelligence, non-flakiness, and a kind heart. Shockingly, the overlap between these two groups is not 100%. I would find it convenient if we both had many of the same friends, since these square dance conventions are so very couples-oriented, but maybe that can be overcome.

Do I want "a circle of friends"? Sure would be convenient for organizing dinners and such. The partying types tend to congregate - it's a ready-made set who already know each other. The ones I'd pick individually do not happen to form a prepackaged group.

Do I want to hang out at the bar until 2am trading shoulder rubs and suggestive jokes? I've enjoyed such gatherings; that'd be with the party people. Do I want someone who will give me some support and encouragement when I'm down? That'd be the stable, non-self-centered types. I wouldn't trust some of the party crowd with my phone number, much less my emotional state.

I want it all, but there's limited time during a 3.5-day convention. Well, unless I quit dancing ;-). I get to see a few people several times or a larger number once each. Must think more.

Comments

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Do I want someone who will give me some support and encouragement when I'm down?

If you do, I'll be around the old LJ campfire.

In the meantime, I'm looking forward to seeing you on Friday afternoon.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. Sometimes, feeling a lack in one context, I forget that in other contexts I am richly blessed.

I'm looking forward to meeting you, too!

[oddhack.livejournal.com]

I long ago concluded that social dancing of whatever type - MWSD, contra, ballroom, swing, etc. - is an awful way to find close friends. People are drawn to dance from across the spectra of beliefs and philosophies, so there are a large number of people I'm never going to be very interested in even talking with much beyond "would you care to dance". Not to say that I haven't made close friends who are dancers, but in 14 years, only a handful.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, agreed - to steal a phrase from gs's reply, MWSD is not a "target rich" environment. At least in a convention attended by hundreds, there are quite a few people I'd like to get to know better. It's a start. :-) Now to figure out how to do so! Just wishing is not a very effective strategy... time for me to try something else. :-)

[oddhack.livejournal.com]

WRT the dance scene, the places that foster talking and socializing as well as dancing have generally been more effective at friend-making, e.g. music not too loud, places to sit at a reasonable remove from the music, established custom of going out for food & conversation after the dance, etc.

I have no idea about non-dance environments since almost all of my social life, such as it is, revolves around either dance or friends from my college days :-)

Circle of friends...

[gs.livejournal.com]

Do I want "a circle of friends"?

I do, but I understand what you mean by not finding your ideal set in a prepackaged group. I once thought of joining a prepackaged group, but it proved more difficult than I expected. I did make one new friend out of it though, and I'm happy about that. If I really want a circle of friends, rather than a set of separate friendships, I think I'm going to have to forge it myself, with help from those that get added. I figure that could take awhile.

I think oddhack's entry raises an interesting question. What is the most "target rich" environment for finding potential friends that match my criteria for joining my circle? Which raises another question: what are my criteria for circle admission?

As you said: "Must think more"...or maybe I'm already thinking too much. I can never tell.

This topic has lots of points of departure for future conversation though :-)

Re: Circle of friends...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I once thought of joining a prepackaged group, but it proved more difficult than I expected.

Sometimes the group dynamic resists change.

If I really want a circle of friends, rather than a set of separate friendships, I think I'm going to have to forge it myself, with help from those that get added. I figure that could take awhile.

Yes - and perhaps the people I'd choose to befriend wouldn't necessarily choose each other. Then there's the question of why or whether a set of friends cohere into a group. I wonder if every group needs its meanie, its flake, its martinet, and its damsel in distress. Hm.

What is the most "target rich" environment...?

Very interesting question. I can think of environments offering specific things (say, folks who are sex-positive) but I am not coming up with any place that's automatically full of people with several key attributes.

I think I need to make MYSELF the environment: be the best CJ I can be, and thus draw to me people who do well around CJs. Then discard the ones I don't like ;-).

...or maybe I'm already thinking too much. I can never tell.

Yeah, me either. Ah well. At least sometimes I learn something!

Re: Circle of friends...

[gs.livejournal.com]

...and perhaps the people I'd choose to befriend wouldn't necessarily choose each other.

Right. However, just because they might not fit a particular circle, doesn't mean they can't be a "stand-alone" friend, or part of a different circle. My mind is full of Venn diagrams now...

I wonder if every group needs its meanie, its flake its martinet, and its damsel in distress.

Um...is there anyone else there I could talk to? I hope you're wrong...but you're probably right. I don't want to think about which one I might be.

...I need to make MYSELF the environment: be the best CJ I can be...

I like this immensely.