No

[cjsmith]

Why do I say yes to things when I want to say no?

Get a grip, CJ. You're thirty-five years old. It's way past time to cut out this crap. Thirty-five years of doing what OTHER people want you to, and what does it get you? That's right. So stop already.

(Some day, this will be called a handicap, and parents who raise children to do this will be labeled abusers. Improvement?)

Comments

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Yes, it'll be an improvement. For everyone.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I wouldn't mind reincarnating in THAT world, to see what it's like.

[mighty-sam.livejournal.com]

We are cursed with the same affliction. My life would be a lot more pleasant if I were better at saying "no".

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I've heard a rule of thumb saying that if you want something done, give it to the busiest person around. That sounds an awful lot like you.

(I figure the busiest person around has trouble saying "no" but is good at keeping his word when he says "yes.")

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

WWCJD? :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

hee! :)

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

Hmmm... I don't know why you do it, but when I say "yes" when I'd rather say "no", it's usually because:

(a) I'm responsible for something (I don't want to yet-again mow the yard, but it's my house and yard... )
(b) I owe someone a favor because of something they did for me, or promise to do in the future
(c) It's a matter of personal honor or integrity...
(d) It's in my own long-term best interests, even if I don't really want to do it right now (say, an end-of-day workout when I'm already tired and stressed and really wish I could just go home).
(e) I'm being coerced by an external authority (I may not want to obey some stricture, but am threatened with dire consequences otherwise)
(f) I don't want to disappoint someone else, or hurt their feelings.

The latter reason could be considered suspect, but I think that the others would be commonplace... (?)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

(a) through (e) aren't what get my goat - it's (f), or variations thereon. That one assumes epic proportions in my brain. There are moments when I'm terrified of causing even the most mild disappointment for someone else. I can't speak, I sit by the phone for a half hour psyching myself up to return the call, whatever. This is slowly improving. I used to be a lot worse. Still, I got caught again yesterday.

I was raised in a world where the underlying, unquestioned assumption was that prior commitments, illness, or death were the only possible reasons for saying no. The corollary, of course, is that I must never request something unreasonable. Man, I got both legs chopped off with that one.

[brian1789.livejournal.com]

I was raised in a world where the underlying, unquestioned assumption was that prior commitments, illness, or death were the only possible reasons for saying no. The corollary, of course, is that I must never request something unreasonable.

Seeble! Those are my operating guidelines, as well... I shouldn't decline any request, unless it would cause great personal distress or danger. And conversely, never request anything that might put someone else in a difficult position, under the assumption that they'd likewise try to meet *my* request if at all possible. And asking for *anything*, overtly, should be kept to a minimum to avoid inconveniencing others...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Bingo. Yes. Exactly.

This works beautifully if everyone's playing by the same rules. If not, though, this ruleset places its owner at a strong disadvantage compared to those not similarly encumbered.

Sorta like many other things that have come and gone in the name of 'politeness', I guess. Or, heck, even honesty and ethics and such. As long as the behavior is commonplace, the person not following the rules is "the bad guy" and has a social disadvantage. But only as long as it's very common. Otherwise, following it is a handicap... sometimes a big one.

The obvious thing to do is ditch the handicap. Wish it were a little easier to edit my brain.

good grief -

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

what are you doing in my tshirt drawer???

I could have written that entire response - do you think our parents went to the same training camp? My father had a line that got me into more volunteer work than enough -

"If there's something to be done, why AREN'T you doing it?"

Re: good grief -

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You've got those T-shirts too? Yikes! I keep hoping it was a limited run.

"If there's something to be done, why AREN'T you doing it?"

Oo, what a pernicious line. It's fine unless there are no acceptable excuses, at which point it becomes weirdly like a command.

Re: good grief -

[persimmon.livejournal.com]

Well, there were some acceptable excuses. Like doing your homework, cooking supper, or having made a commitment to do something else. Especially the latter: if you had SAID you would do something, then unless you physically couldn't do it - sickness, stranded somewhere else - you followed through. Period.

To be fair, however, I should point out that this applied to him as much as anyone else, and that he didn't consider housework of any kind to default to the female members of the family. Work was work, and if we all did it, then it got done faster, and we all had more time to do other things ...

Another line that appears to have gone in while the wax was soft is
"All that is asked of you is to do your best" - which sounds reasonable. But it meant your absolute best, at all times, in all areas - which is, um, rigorous. He required this of himself, too - but it has taken years for me to accept that some days, my personal best can be pretty damn sloppy, but it's the best I can do at that time.

Does any of that sound familiar, too?

Age is of no consequence...

[missyberg.livejournal.com]

We learn different lessons at different rates...be happy it didn't happen at 45 Like for our Mothers.

Now that you are aware you can do something about it.

Thanks for the reminder btw. I keep forgetting I am supposed to be saying no to people.

Thanks for the reminder that I am not alone on my quest.


Michelle

Re: Age is of no consequence...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

We learn different lessons at different rates...be happy it didn't happen at 45 Like for our Mothers.

So true. Except my mom hasn't figured it out yet, at sixty-one... Ah well.

Now that you are aware you can do something about it.

Awareness is half the battle. Unfortunately, I've been fighting the second half for a while! Changing the habits and assumptions of a lifetime is something I'm finding annoyingly difficult. Grrrr.

And thank you, in turn, for your reminder that I am not alone. It's comforting to know other people are learning the same things I'm learning.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

I'm no help ... I do the same thing. My mother was fanatically concerned with what everyone else would think of her and her family, and when necessary resorted to amazing levels of hypocrisy rather than stand up for her own beliefs and feelings.

My favorite example: We were mostly culturally Jewish, and didn't follow the restrictions of most of the holidays, such as not driving. On Rosh Hashanah -- the second holiest holiday of the Jewish year, and the only time, except for Yom Kippur, that my father closed his store that was normally open 6 days a week -- my mother would tell my father to park the car a few blocks away from our apartment building. Then we'd get dressed up and come down to the street, a nice Jewish family out for a walk on the holiday. We'd walk down the block, greeting all the neighbors -- "Good yom tov!" "Good yom tov to you!" -- and stroll casually along till we got to the car, parked where nobody knew us, get in, and drive away.

I was appalled enough at the hypocritical behavior to avoid ever imitating it, but the concern with what others will think of me if I say no to a request is harder to shake. I'm still working on it, though.