Gawd, I hate swimming.

I made a commitment to swim, and I haven't been, not much.

My word is important to me -- when I say I'll be there at six, I'm there at six; when I say I'll help out, I do it. I don't break my word lightly. But I hate swimming. This is how much I hate it. If I have to plunge into cold water and stay there, I'm going to find any excuse I can to postpone it or skip it entirely. Looking back over the last few weeks that's exactly what I've been doing.

But I said I'd swim.

But I loathe it. I would rather have all the nerves removed from my feet than swim.

But I SAID...

*sigh*

It's a grumpy day.

So I haven't been exercising, not anything worthy of the name. Heart disease, here I come. My blood pressure is already higher than it was two years ago. I am afraid to look at my cholesterol numbers.

My level of hope is near its all-time low. I laugh bitterly at the smarminess of the idea that I will ever walk again without pain. Fluffy bunnies and rainbows are cute but I need to be practical and deal with real life. Are there people whose lives are truly so charmed that they have chronic pain and they get better? Surely there's no one who really believes in that stuff into adulthood. Surely.

Doctor appointment this afternoon. How much ya wanna bet she won't be willing to take all my nerves out? How much ya wanna bet she won't do *anything*? How much ya wanna bet she'll take my money anyway? I think this will be my last appointment. It's time for me to quit being so stupid and gullible.

Podiatrist Appointment

Time spent in traffic, southbound: 25 minutes
Time spent in waiting room: 30 minutes
Time spent waiting in treatment room: 15 minutes
Time spent with the doctor: 4 minutes
Time spent in traffic, northbound: 17 minutes

I'm going to get an MRI. With "contrast", which is what they call an IV these days.

[Edited to add: This is a very hopeful sign. She's considering surgery.]