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I have just now realized something important about this whole foot problem thing, and about how I manage my life as a gimpy person, and about how I react to all of it emotionally.
It's never going to go away.
I don't mean that I finally figured out the feet aren't healing. Nope, even I am not quite that slow on the uptake. But "IT" -- the challenges, the emotional reactions, the occasional really bad days, and all the myriad things I need to do differently -- all of THAT won't go away either. No matter how much I might get used to it, and no matter what level of acceptance I might reach, for this, there is no such thing as getting over it. There is only living with it. I can't "get over" something that will never go away.
I don't mean to be putting myself down, here, or giving myself excuses for becoming a bitter and friendless old prune. On the contrary. I'm giving myself marching orders.
See, I've had losses I can get over and still be me afterwards. Oh, I've had a thin white line on my heart where it grew back together, and I've gotten older and wiser, but basically, I've still been me. To pick a simple but poignant example, I had tomurder euthanize the cat I had had for twenty-one years. I mourned like hell. I will never ever forget the way she was purring -- trusting me -- as I handed her over for the lethal injection. I will never ever forget watching her take her last breath or seeing her head fall down onto the towel. I will carry that thin white line on my heart forever. BUT. Before she came into my life I was me. After she was gone from my life I was me. If I have a house burn down, God forbid, or if I work for twenty years to earn and save and invest a million dollars and then somebody steals it, well, these are things I once didn't have and then did have and now don't have again. I'll be hurt and pissed off and maybe bitter, but I'll still be me.
This one is different. It may not hurt half as much as some of the others; I'm not trying to say it's somehow WORSE. It's just in a different CATEGORY. This one is not so much a loss (though it does contain a metric buttload of loss) as it is a change. It is a permanent change to me. I can't "let go of it" and be back to being who I was. From late 2003 and for the rest of my life, I am now someone else. I will manage my pain. I will do the small things: decline outings based on parking, order cheap shoes in batches of twenty, and choose "good days" to do the grocery runs. I will do the big things: I will consciously choose how to plan my life so that it stays worth living, a thing that for most people doesn't take effort, but for the person I have become, it now does take effort and conscious planning, and I will do that planning. For the rest of my life.
That is not only okay, and something I can learn to accept, but it is in fact the best possible outcome I can hope for. What I should not and cannot expect of myself is that I will one day be done. There is no done.
I've been hoping to reach the point where I can say I'm over this, I'm past it, I've been through my mourning, I'm done, and now it's time for the rest of my life. I've been disappointed in myself for not getting there. Now I realize I can quit scolding myself. The fact I'm not done does not indicate some kind of moral failing on my part. There is no done! There is only living with it and managing it.There is only Zuul oops, sorry. I may gain more acceptance and get better at planning things, but in terms of "letting go" or "getting over it" this is it. I am already as done as I will ever be.
It's really encapsulated in that one sentence I used up near the top of this post: I can't "get over" something that will never go away.
It's freeing, in a sense. At least I can ditch the expectation.
It's never going to go away.
I don't mean that I finally figured out the feet aren't healing. Nope, even I am not quite that slow on the uptake. But "IT" -- the challenges, the emotional reactions, the occasional really bad days, and all the myriad things I need to do differently -- all of THAT won't go away either. No matter how much I might get used to it, and no matter what level of acceptance I might reach, for this, there is no such thing as getting over it. There is only living with it. I can't "get over" something that will never go away.
I don't mean to be putting myself down, here, or giving myself excuses for becoming a bitter and friendless old prune. On the contrary. I'm giving myself marching orders.
See, I've had losses I can get over and still be me afterwards. Oh, I've had a thin white line on my heart where it grew back together, and I've gotten older and wiser, but basically, I've still been me. To pick a simple but poignant example, I had to
This one is different. It may not hurt half as much as some of the others; I'm not trying to say it's somehow WORSE. It's just in a different CATEGORY. This one is not so much a loss (though it does contain a metric buttload of loss) as it is a change. It is a permanent change to me. I can't "let go of it" and be back to being who I was. From late 2003 and for the rest of my life, I am now someone else. I will manage my pain. I will do the small things: decline outings based on parking, order cheap shoes in batches of twenty, and choose "good days" to do the grocery runs. I will do the big things: I will consciously choose how to plan my life so that it stays worth living, a thing that for most people doesn't take effort, but for the person I have become, it now does take effort and conscious planning, and I will do that planning. For the rest of my life.
That is not only okay, and something I can learn to accept, but it is in fact the best possible outcome I can hope for. What I should not and cannot expect of myself is that I will one day be done. There is no done.
I've been hoping to reach the point where I can say I'm over this, I'm past it, I've been through my mourning, I'm done, and now it's time for the rest of my life. I've been disappointed in myself for not getting there. Now I realize I can quit scolding myself. The fact I'm not done does not indicate some kind of moral failing on my part. There is no done! There is only living with it and managing it.
It's really encapsulated in that one sentence I used up near the top of this post: I can't "get over" something that will never go away.
It's freeing, in a sense. At least I can ditch the expectation.
no subject
And speaking of Zuul, did I ever tell you the story of how I tried to introduce that name as a computer industry slang term?
*waits... realizes this isn't IM... continues*
Way back when I was in high school, right after that movie had been out for a little while, several friends and I used to sit around into the wee hours hacking on our Tandy Color Computers (BASIC, Pascal, 6809 assembler, whatever). One
nightmorning we were pretty slap-happy when D was trying to generate some graphics from a data file. Not realizing the data file was munged, he executed the code and got complete garbage on the screen. "Where's the data?!?!" he asked, perplexed. Without even pausing to realize what was coming out of my mouth, I said..."There is no data, only Zuul."
After we all recovered from ROTFL our collective AO, for months I tried to make "Zuul" stick as a term for corrupt data.
no subject
But I already know Toni. (wry half-smile)
I tried to make "Zuul" stick as a term for corrupt data.
Well, it worked as a term for corrupt Dana!
(okay, possessed rather than corrupt, but it's close, right?)