How can I miss you if you won't go away?

[cjsmith]

I have just now realized something important about this whole foot problem thing, and about how I manage my life as a gimpy person, and about how I react to all of it emotionally.

It's never going to go away.

I don't mean that I finally figured out the feet aren't healing. Nope, even I am not quite that slow on the uptake. But "IT" -- the challenges, the emotional reactions, the occasional really bad days, and all the myriad things I need to do differently -- all of THAT won't go away either. No matter how much I might get used to it, and no matter what level of acceptance I might reach, for this, there is no such thing as getting over it. There is only living with it. I can't "get over" something that will never go away.

I don't mean to be putting myself down, here, or giving myself excuses for becoming a bitter and friendless old prune. On the contrary. I'm giving myself marching orders.

See, I've had losses I can get over and still be me afterwards. Oh, I've had a thin white line on my heart where it grew back together, and I've gotten older and wiser, but basically, I've still been me. To pick a simple but poignant example, I had to murder euthanize the cat I had had for twenty-one years. I mourned like hell. I will never ever forget the way she was purring -- trusting me -- as I handed her over for the lethal injection. I will never ever forget watching her take her last breath or seeing her head fall down onto the towel. I will carry that thin white line on my heart forever. BUT. Before she came into my life I was me. After she was gone from my life I was me. If I have a house burn down, God forbid, or if I work for twenty years to earn and save and invest a million dollars and then somebody steals it, well, these are things I once didn't have and then did have and now don't have again. I'll be hurt and pissed off and maybe bitter, but I'll still be me.

This one is different. It may not hurt half as much as some of the others; I'm not trying to say it's somehow WORSE. It's just in a different CATEGORY. This one is not so much a loss (though it does contain a metric buttload of loss) as it is a change. It is a permanent change to me. I can't "let go of it" and be back to being who I was. From late 2003 and for the rest of my life, I am now someone else. I will manage my pain. I will do the small things: decline outings based on parking, order cheap shoes in batches of twenty, and choose "good days" to do the grocery runs. I will do the big things: I will consciously choose how to plan my life so that it stays worth living, a thing that for most people doesn't take effort, but for the person I have become, it now does take effort and conscious planning, and I will do that planning. For the rest of my life.

That is not only okay, and something I can learn to accept, but it is in fact the best possible outcome I can hope for. What I should not and cannot expect of myself is that I will one day be done. There is no done.


I've been hoping to reach the point where I can say I'm over this, I'm past it, I've been through my mourning, I'm done, and now it's time for the rest of my life. I've been disappointed in myself for not getting there. Now I realize I can quit scolding myself. The fact I'm not done does not indicate some kind of moral failing on my part. There is no done! There is only living with it and managing it. There is only Zuul oops, sorry. I may gain more acceptance and get better at planning things, but in terms of "letting go" or "getting over it" this is it. I am already as done as I will ever be.

It's really encapsulated in that one sentence I used up near the top of this post: I can't "get over" something that will never go away.

It's freeing, in a sense. At least I can ditch the expectation.

Comments

[jb98.livejournal.com]

Now I realize I can quit scolding myself.

And therein lies the pearl of great price :) Nice. What a relief, eh?

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Huge mind shift--congratulations feels weird, but appropriate somehow.

[wordweaverlynn.livejournal.com]

Oh yes. I'm still struggling with this around the asthma -- although I don't feel like it's a change in *me* so much. But after certain changes, certain losses, there's a new normal. The new normal may include a lot of joy, growth, exciting adventures -- but it also includes grief for someone who died too young or a postcard listing all the kinds of food that could poison me. (And a handy EpiPen in case the postcard fails.)

[dafydd.livejournal.com]

*hughug*

Yay, paradigm shifts! Even if the clutch occasionally slips...

There is only Zuul

<comment mode="too easy">
If you're the gate keeper, can I be the key master?... ;)
</comment>

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

(hug) Change is challenging. Change to self more challenging. Permanent change to self the most challenging of all.

See, I've had losses I can get over and still be me afterwards.

I think you're still you. You were you before, and you'll be you from here on out. The essence of CJ is still here, never left, won't leave.

I can't "get over" something that will never go away.

Exactly. Still you. A different expression of you. A different set of circumstances that bound the possibilities. And still, at the core, you.

Which doesn't make it suck any less that you've got this to deal with now, and that it's not possible to "get over" something that will never go away.

I'm glad you've found this for yourself, so you can ditch that expectation. I hope it helps you as you plan your life, day by day

It's a lesson I hope I can learn, too, BTW--that whatever my circumstances, from my house to my marriage to my body--the core of me is still ME. Figuring out who that is, is, I think, the ultimate task.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, for sharing this part of you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It sure is. I will still have shitty days, days where I rage and curse against the Universe and my fate. Those days won't stop happening like they might have about my cat or about a burned-down house. But I don't have to blame myself for having them. A sane person would have them. Forever. And that's okay.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Very appropriate, I think.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

There is only Zuul

That. Right there. In the middle of a post full of both resignation and determination, is complete and utter silliness. From my perspective, that's the biggest sign that you are also still you in some major characteristics. You can still throw in a silly comment and make light of something in the middle of a post like this. Just something I realized while reading this. Take it for what it's worth. ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yep, the new normal has its challenges and pitfalls. And unlike someone who has lost a friend or family member, it's in an odd way *okay* if I don't quit grieving for my *own* "death". Get on with life, sure; but if this won't leave me alone, it's okay if I have bad days about it.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

...ARE YOU A GOD? ...;-)

[lisa-marli.livejournal.com]

*hugs*
The hubby has gone through a similar thing.
Best is to figure out what you CAN do and enjoy. Some times there are weird ways around the limits. Like we've learned to enjoy electric scooters to handle foot,leg, and stomach limitations. Zoom Zoom.
And get a handicapped placard, it helps with the parking.
Also be sure to ask your friends if some adjustment can be made so you can enjoy the event too. You'll be surprised how many say "YES!", because they would rather have an adjusted event than Not have You. Friends are like that.
And remember Friends don't see your limitations, they see your possibilities.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

YES

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think you're still you. You were you before, and you'll be you from here on out.

Oh, but I'm so completely different! We may differ on this based only on semantics, of course, and what we mean when we use these particular words. But I used to *be* -- not act, but BE -- self-reliant, somewhat lacking in compassion at times, and blissfully happy when in a tent ten miles from the nearest road. I am now none of those things and they cannot ever be regained. They've been burned away. Does that mean I've changed, or does that mean those things weren't the core of me? Either way, it's a hell of a thing to grapple with.

(Alzheimer's, for example... if I get ten years deep into that, is what I am still the essence of me? I sure as hell HOPE NOT. But again, word usage might be the only thing at odds here.)

I'm glad you've found this for yourself, so you can ditch that expectation.

Yeah. And if I can gain some level of peace in the face of others who still DO have that expectation of me, so much the better. Because there will indeed be people who blame me for not being "over it". Thank the beneficent Universe, most people haven't been through this particular epiphany.

...the core of me is still ME. Figuring out who that is, is, I think, the ultimate task.

That's a toughie, indeed. When we're young we may label ourselves for our roles: the bad boy, the smart kid, the goody-two-shoes. Later we may label ourselves for our attributes: energetic, cheerful, smart. Then something like this comes along, clearly with the power to wipe out any of that stuff I just listed, and what is it that then remains to be labeled the core, the essence? That's a big, deep question to answer. I sure haven't answered it yet. (Which may be why I phrased stuff as "I'm no longer me" earlier.)

Thanks for sharing your thoughts, for sharing this part of you.

Thanks for "getting it" and for your response!

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Yeah. I get it. I do a lot of the same things, as far as considering the closeness of parking, the availability of seating, the heat and humidity or cold and wind. I might be able to get my lungs in better shape, but at this point it's nice to not be going downhill anymore. And I have to come to grips that this may be as good as it's going to get.

I'm glad you've hit a turning point in your thinking that helps you out.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That. Right there. In the middle of a post full of both resignation and determination, is complete and utter silliness.

This thing I've got may be a problem with nerves, but it hasn't (yet?) taken my mind or my personality! :-)

Thank you. *hug*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

MAD ICON LOVE!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes. There are a lot of little fiddly-bits in learning how to live with new physical limits. (At least I FINALLY DID get the placard -- a permanent one, now, so I don't have to do that awful trek every six months.)

And now I don't have to blame myself for having nasty snarky bitter-sounding rages about this every so often. If *it* won't go away my *feelings* won't go away. (Get better, sure, but I pretty much did that part already.) It's OK to be "only" human.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The "planning my life" concept is a big piece I haven't yet gotten good at. I don't mean things like parking placards, although that's definitely included. I mean things like actively evaluating new potential hobbies, making sure I am getting enough fun in my life, and thinking consciously about balancing my doctor-seeking time and money with my need to relax and forget about it.

It's weird to put this much... management effort... into just living my life. But I'm realizing that unless I make a steady, conscious effort to "do the right stuff" and make the right kinds of effort, I get right back into Semipermanent Blue Funk. That is now my new natural state. Planning and effort will give me a life worth having. I don't get one for free any more. So I will learn how to do the planning and the effort, and I will do them, and I will get a life worth having.

(And Ghu help the next person who doesn't have to do this level of management, or who does have to but will be able to stop at some point, and who says something snarky about me not being "over it" yet. I won't even have to thwap him one. Karma is a lot more inventive and cruel than I even know how to be.)

[allanh.livejournal.com]

I *so* totally get this.

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

I haven't been around for awhile, but I'm glad I didn't miss this post.

I think we must be long-lost sisters -- through all of this you have so perfectly expressed exactly what I went through. I know exactly what you mean, because I felt exactly the same way. In fact, what with one thing and another, I've been several different "me's".

It does get easier, in that the way you now have to approach living becomes habitual; but you're right, it doesn't get better. It sucks, and it will always suck.

I still hate it that so many elderly people are much more agile than I am. I still hate having to miss activities because I'm just too tired or painful to make it. Whenever I wobble around a big rock I think of how I used to love jumping or clambering over obstacles instead of finding a way around them, how I'd glory in leaping from ledge to ledge in a rocky area that I can barely traverse at all now. Not to mention flying....

After awhile you do get used to even being someone else. Getting used to is not the same as getting over it ... but you do get used to it. It's better than nothing.

[ohhjuliet.livejournal.com]

Just....*hug*

[wooddragon.livejournal.com]

Way back in August, I would have wished for you and for me that everything could have been different.

Now, I wish for you, and me, to embrace what we have and celebrate it in any way we can. Because it's what we have. We can strive and try for something different, but we should also embrace WHAT WE HAVE. Because that's what we got.

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

What is "self-reliant"? Does it only count if it's "complete"? And if so, are ANY of us in this country really self-reliant? I still see you as self-reliant, within the new set of limitations that you now have. You still have a fierce determination to do whatever you can, as much on your own as you can. What's "core" and what's something else? I don't know, and we may, in fact, just be discussing something that's more about semantics, than about... um... the core of this issue. ;^)


Because there will indeed be people who blame me for not being "over it".

Ouch. Yeah. Sadly, there will. At least now, "those people" won't include yourself. :^)


I find it very interesting, BTW, that your post and this post from purplerabbit (http://purplerabbit.livejournal.com/206378.html) appeared next to one another on my Flist (and also at the same time that I am so deeply grappling with what "self" is, and what my "meaning" is in the world). I hear her expressing some similar things as you have, about how changed she has been.

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

What a lovely singing voice you must have (http://www.xenafan.com/movies/ghostbusters/nodanaonlyzuul.wav)

Acceptance isn't failure, its empowerment. We can all use a bit of that :-)

[dafydd.livejournal.com]

<comment mode="did she really just give me that big a straight line?!?!?!">

Well, some women have called me that... ;)

</comment>

(And the perfect userpic would have been Kryten at his best, with the caption "smug mode...")

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Wow. That makes a lot of sense. But I can see why it took a while to come to that shift in your way of thinking. I'm glad you've gotten there, though. (And I never mind hearing about your bad days, even if I'm often very quiet.)

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

icon love!

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

and thank the doyc for that :)

[inflectionpoint.livejournal.com]

I needed to read this today. Thank you.

[sharya.livejournal.com]

I'm so happy for you. Some people never get to where you are now.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

You're welcome *hugsback*. I should introduce you to someone else on my flist who puts up with more health/allergy issues than I could ever imagine and does an excellent job of managing life (because, as I understand it, if zie didn't, zie would be dead, simple as that) and at the same time being one of the silliest people I've ever known.

And speaking of Zuul, did I ever tell you the story of how I tried to introduce that name as a computer industry slang term?

*waits... realizes this isn't IM... continues*

Way back when I was in high school, right after that movie had been out for a little while, several friends and I used to sit around into the wee hours hacking on our Tandy Color Computers (BASIC, Pascal, 6809 assembler, whatever). One night morning we were pretty slap-happy when D was trying to generate some graphics from a data file. Not realizing the data file was munged, he executed the code and got complete garbage on the screen. "Where's the data?!?!" he asked, perplexed. Without even pausing to realize what was coming out of my mouth, I said...

"There is no data, only Zuul."

After we all recovered from ROTFL our collective AO, for months I tried to make "Zuul" stick as a term for corrupt data.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

did she really just give me that big a straight line?!

Of COURSE! (I figured you'd just say YES.)

Sadly, my supply of straight lines from this movie has now dried up considerably, and I'm back to muttering "Don't cross the streams" and "It would be bad". Those don't fit the conversation!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes. In some ways I'm sad to realize how many people totally get this... but in other ways I'm touched by the beauty and resiliency of human nature.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It sucks, and it will always suck.

Exactly. Mourning a loss, even an enormous one, isn't like that. This... the emotional situation is just plain different.

I still hate it that so many elderly people are much more agile than I am.

Oh, YES! (If I hear my mother whine one more time about being old I just might thump her on the head. If you measure by pain and physical ability I'm somewhere around seventy, thank you, and frankly if you count chronic pain I haven't been twenty since I was nine, so STUFF IT.) ...anyway. "I still hate it" is basically the bottom line. That. Won't. Stop. That's what's different about this one than about "mourning a loss", which is what I'd been trying to turn this into. I'll hate it for the rest of my life.

And yeah, I've gotten used to it, and you've gotten used to it, and that much is a blessing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

Ditching the expectations is a big win.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yep, we've got to do exactly that, precisely because we have no choice about it. And now I know that I don't have to expect myself to go through the stages of grief and come out the other side. I've been trying to turn this into "mourning a loss" and it ISN'T. No wonder I'm not reacting "right". Ditching that expectation is an enormous bonus.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

HAHAHA I'd forgotten that line!!

It is indeed. Only when we know where we are and what we've got to work with can we make the best choice from the options available.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

You are very welcome!

I do kind of wish these epiphanies would come along a leeeetle more quickly, y'know? But I'm glad I've managed to get to this point now, at least.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! I hope, sincerely, that a lot of people never have to get here... but if they have this lesson in front of them, I hope they learn it, 'cause man, it hurts way worse beforehand.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

At least now, "those people" won't include yourself. :^)

EXACTLY! That's it EXACTLY! ...sorry for the shouting, but you just put your finger on the best nugget of this whole thing, for me. It's like a fifty-pound pack just got lifted from my back.

Thank you for linking purplerabbit's post here. Wow. Yes. I have not had the experiences she has, and yet there are parts of what she wrote there that really resonate for me. Permanent effects, permanent changes, and who the *self* is through all of that. The isolation and the rage. The knowledge that the previous self is now gone, not someone you can be again. More rage. The redemption, if that's not too powerful a word, of the love of others.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

...someone else on my flist who puts up with more health/allergy issues than I could ever imagine and does an excellent job of managing life

But I already know Toni. (wry half-smile)

I tried to make "Zuul" stick as a term for corrupt data.

Well, it worked as a term for corrupt Dana!

(okay, possessed rather than corrupt, but it's close, right?)

[bklyngirl.livejournal.com]

Wow.

I'm still getting to where you are. I'm still mourning the "other me". I am resentful and angry that I have to. I still find myself postponing things, waiting till I'm "me" again.

But I'm starting to get there. I'm starting to realize that even if the miracle cure comes tomorrow - I'm not the same. If nothing else, I have a new perspective and more appreciation for the ridiculously minor, tedious, details of day to day living. Planning my day is like planning for a long-term battle and if I'm not prepared, I know I will fail.

Thanks for writing this. It's amazing how good it feels to know there are other people who get it - although I would give anything if you didn't have to.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I too am resentful and angry -- but I must admit I am a lot less so than I once was. I'm still mourning the "other me" too, and the great epiphany in this post is that I will never stop. It's OK that I will *never* be without some level of anger and resentment over this.

1) My feet are @#$!d up
2) #1 will never go away
3) I seriously hate both #1 and #2
4) #3 will never go away either
5) #4 is kind of sane, really.

It's amazing how good it feels to know there are other people who get it - although I would give anything if you didn't have to.

Oh my God, me too. I bawled like a baby when you asked whether the worst part of this was the quest for answers. Seriously sat there at my desk and lost it. Symptoms can be brutal, but I really didn't want to know that there was someone else out there who was also getting hit with that worst part.

*sigh*

We'll get there. We'll keep on keeping on, whatever the outcome, and we'll find ways to make our lives worth living, whatever the outcome.