Ditching the lot

[cjsmith]

I realized the other day that the only things I'd be happy to see when I came back from vacation were parking spaces, my cats, and a bathroom in which when I am on the toilet the sink is not in my lap.

I need to make some changes.

What I need to get rid of:

1. The high-tech career has got to go. I've tried and tried, and I can't make myself love the insanity. This will take some planning and some tough decision-making, on the order of years, not months. There is some small chance that the job I now hold can be my last in this career. My goal is to work a forty-hour week and live on what it pays. That will give me time for sleep, friends, and hobbies.

2. Without the high-tech career and without millions in the bank, I will leave the Bay Area. Fiscally I would be smart to leave now; the ratio of salary to cost-of-living is abysmal for me here, so if I ever want to retire in any location, I'd best move out of here soon. But this too takes some planning and tough decision-making. For example, any elective medical stuff might best be done here, probably right after I quit my last high-tech job and right before I start packing the house. I also don't yet know the minor detail of where I want to go. There will be lots of discussions and negotiations with Rob over that.

3. Small stuff. I officially give up on swimming; I loathe it. I will probably never adopt a long-haired cat again, much as I love the ones I have now.

What I need to add:

1. Physical activity. I demand something fun and outdoorsy. Tim, I'm seriously considering that recumbent arm bike. I also demand something that will give me back some pride in what my body can do.

2. A social life. Square dancing (and being a square dance hanger-on) does not cut it. It didn't cut it when I COULD dance. I won't drop the calling, but I won't delude myself that it's my social life.

3. A hobby. It must be partially skill-based, so that I can have the joy of learning. It must offer opportunities for friendship and opportunities to travel, so that I'm not always the one sitting at my job while Rob goes off to party.

4. Small stuff. Pretty things such as flowers in a garden go a long way. I can consider regrowing my hair now that I admit I won't swim. A boob job would help a lot. Clothing that fits would help, even if I have to get things custom made. I would like to start baking again.

What now?

Sadly, all the big changes are well over a year away. The best thing I can do for those is make plans. I really need to come up with a career that pays well but has sane hours. Input welcome. In the meantime I can make time to do small things: plant flowers, shop for arm bikes, or bake something yummy. Making time to do small positive things is better, short-term, than waiting for the big stuff.

Comments

[samtosha.livejournal.com]

3. A hobby. It must be partially skill-based, so that I can have the joy of learning. It must offer opportunities for friendship and opportunities to travel, so that I'm not always the one sitting at my job while Rob goes off to party.

Good for you for making changes to make yourself a more content and balanced person. Knitting is a great hobby. There are several sites online with videos so you could start to teach yourself. And there is always a knitting group meeting somewhere. Just a thought :)

[tattermuffin.livejournal.com]

I agree, knitting is fabulous - and it's also great in that you can do it when home alone OR socially by joining knitting groups. :)

Photography is also great - and you can combine it with exercise if you go on hikes to take photos.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Are there conventions and suchlike? I once knew how to knit. I don't give a hoot for the eventual finished product but if it is a skill to learn and it has social aspects, it has possibilities.

[tattermuffin.livejournal.com]

Good for you! :)

A suggestion: use the time now to start making plans, doing research, and breaking larger 'to do's into smaller chunks so maybe you can actively start some of the changes. Like, if you do research on other cities, find out where in those cities there are activities you like to do and then maybe start some of those activities here so when you get there you can jump in a little sooner - having done the research to know which group you want to join and have the experience to be active in it. (This was a key element to a friend of mine who moved - she was able to move and join a hiking club right off so she started making friends in her new location right away because she already knew what group she wnated to join and was healthy enough to keep up with their hikes).

Good luck with these changes. I think that being able to identify them is a huge first step. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I like these suggestions! Getting involved in things shortly after moving makes a lot of sense. That might be the next thing to figure out after figuring out WHERE to move: find groups and activities.

I think I already wrote something like that but LJ ate it.

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Actually, the biggest change is recognizing what it is that you want to change and starting the planning for it. Yes, the actual changes are bigger, but the mindset change--that's huge, and you're there now.
Congratulations.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think that before this vacation I "knew" that any of these changes required also leaving Rob. Leaving high tech means I can't afford to live here, and he's planted much more firmly here than I am. Now he's thinking he could be willing to move. The mindset change is now a whole lot easier.

[apparentparadox]

The other thing is to not underestimate the benefit of making those small changes (like doing the baking or planting flowers). Those will give you bursts of energy which will enable you to do even more.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Are you sure it's the high-tech career, and not just the companies you've been working for, that are making you hate your job?

At least as a transition, perhaps you could find a somewhat lower-stress high-tech job somewhere that is reputed to treat people well. (Google and Yahoo both come to mind, for example.)

If you like, I can teach you how to make balloon animals. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think I've given high-tech the good ol' college try. It's been since 1989 and either I've had okay hours but doing useless nose-pick work, or I've had useful and challenging work but insane hours and pressure.

I think big companies are probably the piece I'm missing. I love the innovation and cohesiveness of small startups, but... *sigh*.

We have talked about the balloon animals before. Sounds fun! Sometime!

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I third the suggestion for knitting as a hobby. Hell, I've found a community on-line of knitters that's excellent for anti-social me, a group created around a podcast I listen to. We're even going to have a sleepover in Omaha at some point, and there's over 2000 people who listen to the podcast and hang out on the message boards :-)

I totally get the wanting to ditch high-tech - I'm going to once Dan's graduated and we've settled someplace he has a good job. I'll never make the same money in another field, but it doesn't matter. Overall happiness and life satisfaction means so much more.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Overall happiness and life satisfaction means so much more.

Yes!

This has been brought home to me much more sharply since Rob ditched high-tech. He can basically do whatever he wants (currently flight training, who knows what will be next) and can take time off whenever he likes. He does a lot of fun stuff while I sit at my desk. Suddenly I'm realizing what a millstone this is.

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's really excellent that you've been able to identify these needs. I'm impressed and inspired. I'm sorry you can't just snap your fingers and make it all happen, but I hope you can at least feel better on a day to day basis with some more clear goals and steps to take to get where you want.

I look forward to reading here and/or on BOC about the smaller steps that you take along the way.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

So far these goals seem very nebulous: don't do this, don't be here. Something saying DO do this other thing and DO be in that area over there would be a great step.

[nosrednayduj]

So it IS possible to have a high tech career and not work insane hours. I work half time. It works well. I'm hourly, so I charge for what I work, which I REALLY like. You can't do it at a startup, though. You have to do it at a mature company. And you have to be willing to take somewhat less than you think is fair compensation, and you might not get benefits, and have to be a contractor. But, honestly, you can get health coverage privately. It just costs. I'm with the National Assoc. for the Self-Employed. They have lots of different plans; I have a cheap one because mostly I'm healthy so I can afford a huge deductible.

There was a Dilbert cartoon about going parttime in which the person agreed to work occasional long days when deadlines loomed. Dilbert's comment in the punchline, "So, basically, you negotiated a 50% pay cut." Which is why hourly is so great. On those rare occasions when I DO work more hours, at least I'm paid for it.

The place you work seems kind of insane, so this trick might not work, but you could try going to your boss and discussing the fact that you're terribly unhappy and how could he help, like by offering you fewer hours and less pay. If they like you, and they seem to, they might actually bend over backwards to keep you. I walked into my boss's office about 10 years (and a couple jobs) ago and said, "I had an interview this morning. Want to talk about it?" and we figured out what we could do to fix the problems I was having.

When you're interviewing, ask how many of the people already there have kids. People with kids mostly don't put up with insane hours, because they have to get home in time to get the kids from daycare. So you'll get that flexibility too -- everyone WON'T be in the office at 9pm wondering why YOU left at 7.

Anyway, good luck in your soul searching, and your job searching, and your everything else searching! Boston's nice... and has a more varied cost of living in the area. Some towns housing costs similar to the Bay Area, some it costs way less.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I replied to this already. If I did LJ ate it.

So it IS possible to have a high tech career and not work insane hours.

True, it's possible. I admit I see it as very unlikely. I know three part-time programmers, and at least the two here are so outstanding in their fields that companies beg to take them. I'm a generalist -- a smart one, but still, that makes me basically just a grunt. So I need to have a backup plan in case I don't get a high-paying part-time job.

I think you're right that my company really likes me. That's something.

...ask how many of the people already there have kids.

Very good idea. I suppose it's legal for ME to ask THEM that!

I do like Boston. I have family there, at least for a while (my parents are thinking of moving for climate reasons), and I miss the area.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I would be happy to socialize with you, to do fun and outdoorsy things with you, and to talk about boob jobs.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you on all counts! I still need to figure out what fun outdoorsy things do not require feet. Surely there are some! Surely!

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

It's a post that mentions boobs -- how can I not respond? :D

Assuming that your dislike for high-tech has to do with the insane hours and not tech itself, I wonder if you'd like to be an API writer? The money's good and the jobs are plentiful because a lot of otherwise good tech writers get brainlock around code.

I mention this because I selfishly don't want you to leave the Bay Area.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Boobs boobs boobs!

What is an API writer? I presume you don't mean someone who comes up with the API itself -- or do you? Perhaps it's someone who documents the API? Tech writing definitely interests me. I think I could learn to do it well, but I have zero experience, so breaking in to the field might be rough.

What ever happened to your concepts of eventually leaving the Bay Area?

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

i'll add my vote for knitting as a hobby. :) and there's charity knitting if you don't want to be saddled with eleventy-seven afghans. i don't know that knitters have "conventions" per se, but we do like to get together, and some "famous" knitters like The Yarn Harlot (http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/) go out on book tours and do stuff like that.

Plus, you're welcome at our Stitch-n-Bitches ANY time. :)

these are some seriously tough things to work though, but i think your list is a very good first step. *hugs*

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

There are actually a couple of conventions (the Stitches set - East, West and I think Central), and lots of organized camps, cruises, etc. - if you want and can manage that sort of thing.. :)

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

Career that pays pretty well and doesn't require crazy hours? How about college professor? (Now that Sam is done with his horrible dissertation and horrible job search, he is Dr. No-Stress.) I bet you could teach tech stuff at the community college or voc-tech level with the experience and education you already have.

[ken_r]

Wow. That's impressive. Sounds like pretty drastic changes are ahead. And it sounds like that's a good thing.

Like others have said, there're non-insane high-tech jobs. I don't consider mine useless nose-pick work, though it's not exactly bleeding-edge research either. (And, to put in a small plug, we may be hiring new people in the next year or so, if we get the funding to expand our scope.) But maybe trying something else for a while would be a good idea anyways. Even a job that's not intended to be a new career, while you figure out what you want the career to be, or prepare for it. If a social life is missing, a job that brings you in contact with lots of people (even if it's not socializing) may be nice for a while. (A friend of mine considered that a plus in working as a cashier for a while. That and the employee discount at the store she shops at a lot anyways.)

Your "need to add" list sounds great. In fact, I could use a lot of those myself. (Well, not the boob job. But, speaking of which... um, why?)

Here's hoping a winning lottery ticket sticks to the gum on the bottom of your shoe. But if you do wind up needing to move, you'd be welcome back in Boston...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yes, I think big changes are coming and I agree that it's a good thing.

Maybe I don't have to ditch all of high-tech -- just the path I'm on now. I could see myself being a tech writer, a QA person, or a cog in a very large company's machine. Maybe my ego has been poking its head in, saying "CJ, you must be incredibly important" and that's been the problem; maybe I've had my heart set on the startup lottery for too long. These other options are all worth thinking about.

(Why? Too. Darn. Big.)

Boston is very appealing. I miss the area, and I have family there. I think I'm likely to wind up someplace cheaper, but you never know.

[nosrednayduj]

Another textile-related hobby is Science Fiction Costuming. Huge conventions and competition. Awesome talent. Beats me if you'd have any interest; I don't even know if you like sci-fi. But I know people who totally obsess over it and it's about as social as you can get.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

That would be SO FUN!

[firecat]

Knitting knitting knitting! :)

I'm a non-crazed high tech freelancer. I do technical writing and editing. I don't make a lot, though and I don't recommend it for people who need cash flow stability.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Technical writing and editing sounds terrific. If I move to someplace cheaper maybe I wouldn't need so much cash flow stability. My current mortgage is a drag.

[jb98.livejournal.com]

I do high tech work in the non-profit sector and never work more than 40 hours a week. The work is extremely gratifying. The pay is just enough for me to live on, but the cost of living is pretty high here. The benefits and leave policies are excellent. I could double my salary tomorrow, but it's so not worth it to me to go back into that pressure cooker.

Mmm, kayaking. Keep us posted on that. I may just get back into that, now that my fibro is gone.

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

ahh, yeah, that - I love my job because I'm not allowed to work more than 40 hours/week without permission (that they hate to give, cause they pay per hour). In this case it's gov't work.

My last job with an NGO was also fantastic that way. Plus, 5 weeks of vacation (they did it as 3 weeks 'vacation' and a long company holiday around christmas/new years).

I did double my salary coming to the gov't, and I'm still about 30% below market standard for my position/experience. I don't much care.

[dangerpudding.livejournal.com]

Erm, most of this I'm at a loss for advice or even comment on - I'm dealing with some of the same sorts of major life changes looming ahead.

OTOH, socializing and hobbies - I'm not sure what you're interested in, but I'm always up for hanging out. I knit, happy to help others with that, have been doing 'craft and slack' on tuesday nights lately (and if you just wanna come hang out, that's fine - so far it's a geekier crowd of two-three). Not sure that's the sort of hobby you're looking for, but... it's there.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! Craft and slack sounds lovely. If I hadn't been so jet-lagged last night I might've poked my head in then. I live very near that coffee place. :-)

[layer.livejournal.com]

1. The high-tech career has got to go.

i'm right there with you. this lifestyle is literally killing me.

i would love to find adjacent properties (or parcel out a larger piece of land) with friends probably in a year or few. if you are interested in that possibility. i love the idea of going more rural, but if i could not have to do it alone that would be even better.

flowers in a garden are easy and are my specialty.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

this lifestyle is literally killing me.

It says an awful lot that I had zero abdominal pain while I was on vacation. Two straight weeks without that flaring up is pretty unusual. I also (TMI alert, sorry) actually stopped bleeding. Two straight weeks without THAT is absolutely unheard-of.

I think it's time to ditch the stress. I'm not nineteen and made of rubber any more. It affects me. I need to quit pretending it doesn't.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

wow - i'm impressed! i don't think i'd ever be able to reinvent my life from scratch like that. of course, part of me hopes that you're in the bay area if i get to move there, but still :)

and for #2, may i suggest sf conventions? you meet the nicest people there!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

SF conventions would be a fine idea. They tend to coincide with square dance gigs, but I could block time out. So, when's the next con you'll be attending? ;-)