Ditching the lot

[cjsmith]

I realized the other day that the only things I'd be happy to see when I came back from vacation were parking spaces, my cats, and a bathroom in which when I am on the toilet the sink is not in my lap.

I need to make some changes.

What I need to get rid of:

1. The high-tech career has got to go. I've tried and tried, and I can't make myself love the insanity. This will take some planning and some tough decision-making, on the order of years, not months. There is some small chance that the job I now hold can be my last in this career. My goal is to work a forty-hour week and live on what it pays. That will give me time for sleep, friends, and hobbies.

2. Without the high-tech career and without millions in the bank, I will leave the Bay Area. Fiscally I would be smart to leave now; the ratio of salary to cost-of-living is abysmal for me here, so if I ever want to retire in any location, I'd best move out of here soon. But this too takes some planning and tough decision-making. For example, any elective medical stuff might best be done here, probably right after I quit my last high-tech job and right before I start packing the house. I also don't yet know the minor detail of where I want to go. There will be lots of discussions and negotiations with Rob over that.

3. Small stuff. I officially give up on swimming; I loathe it. I will probably never adopt a long-haired cat again, much as I love the ones I have now.

What I need to add:

1. Physical activity. I demand something fun and outdoorsy. Tim, I'm seriously considering that recumbent arm bike. I also demand something that will give me back some pride in what my body can do.

2. A social life. Square dancing (and being a square dance hanger-on) does not cut it. It didn't cut it when I COULD dance. I won't drop the calling, but I won't delude myself that it's my social life.

3. A hobby. It must be partially skill-based, so that I can have the joy of learning. It must offer opportunities for friendship and opportunities to travel, so that I'm not always the one sitting at my job while Rob goes off to party.

4. Small stuff. Pretty things such as flowers in a garden go a long way. I can consider regrowing my hair now that I admit I won't swim. A boob job would help a lot. Clothing that fits would help, even if I have to get things custom made. I would like to start baking again.

What now?

Sadly, all the big changes are well over a year away. The best thing I can do for those is make plans. I really need to come up with a career that pays well but has sane hours. Input welcome. In the meantime I can make time to do small things: plant flowers, shop for arm bikes, or bake something yummy. Making time to do small positive things is better, short-term, than waiting for the big stuff.

Comments

[samtosha.livejournal.com]

3. A hobby. It must be partially skill-based, so that I can have the joy of learning. It must offer opportunities for friendship and opportunities to travel, so that I'm not always the one sitting at my job while Rob goes off to party.

Good for you for making changes to make yourself a more content and balanced person. Knitting is a great hobby. There are several sites online with videos so you could start to teach yourself. And there is always a knitting group meeting somewhere. Just a thought :)

[tattermuffin.livejournal.com]

Good for you! :)

A suggestion: use the time now to start making plans, doing research, and breaking larger 'to do's into smaller chunks so maybe you can actively start some of the changes. Like, if you do research on other cities, find out where in those cities there are activities you like to do and then maybe start some of those activities here so when you get there you can jump in a little sooner - having done the research to know which group you want to join and have the experience to be active in it. (This was a key element to a friend of mine who moved - she was able to move and join a hiking club right off so she started making friends in her new location right away because she already knew what group she wnated to join and was healthy enough to keep up with their hikes).

Good luck with these changes. I think that being able to identify them is a huge first step. :)

[tattermuffin.livejournal.com]

I agree, knitting is fabulous - and it's also great in that you can do it when home alone OR socially by joining knitting groups. :)

Photography is also great - and you can combine it with exercise if you go on hikes to take photos.

[ladycelia.livejournal.com]

Actually, the biggest change is recognizing what it is that you want to change and starting the planning for it. Yes, the actual changes are bigger, but the mindset change--that's huge, and you're there now.
Congratulations.

[allanh.livejournal.com]

Are you sure it's the high-tech career, and not just the companies you've been working for, that are making you hate your job?

At least as a transition, perhaps you could find a somewhat lower-stress high-tech job somewhere that is reputed to treat people well. (Google and Yahoo both come to mind, for example.)

If you like, I can teach you how to make balloon animals. :)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I third the suggestion for knitting as a hobby. Hell, I've found a community on-line of knitters that's excellent for anti-social me, a group created around a podcast I listen to. We're even going to have a sleepover in Omaha at some point, and there's over 2000 people who listen to the podcast and hang out on the message boards :-)

I totally get the wanting to ditch high-tech - I'm going to once Dan's graduated and we've settled someplace he has a good job. I'll never make the same money in another field, but it doesn't matter. Overall happiness and life satisfaction means so much more.

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Wow. That's really excellent that you've been able to identify these needs. I'm impressed and inspired. I'm sorry you can't just snap your fingers and make it all happen, but I hope you can at least feel better on a day to day basis with some more clear goals and steps to take to get where you want.

I look forward to reading here and/or on BOC about the smaller steps that you take along the way.

[nosrednayduj]

So it IS possible to have a high tech career and not work insane hours. I work half time. It works well. I'm hourly, so I charge for what I work, which I REALLY like. You can't do it at a startup, though. You have to do it at a mature company. And you have to be willing to take somewhat less than you think is fair compensation, and you might not get benefits, and have to be a contractor. But, honestly, you can get health coverage privately. It just costs. I'm with the National Assoc. for the Self-Employed. They have lots of different plans; I have a cheap one because mostly I'm healthy so I can afford a huge deductible.

There was a Dilbert cartoon about going parttime in which the person agreed to work occasional long days when deadlines loomed. Dilbert's comment in the punchline, "So, basically, you negotiated a 50% pay cut." Which is why hourly is so great. On those rare occasions when I DO work more hours, at least I'm paid for it.

The place you work seems kind of insane, so this trick might not work, but you could try going to your boss and discussing the fact that you're terribly unhappy and how could he help, like by offering you fewer hours and less pay. If they like you, and they seem to, they might actually bend over backwards to keep you. I walked into my boss's office about 10 years (and a couple jobs) ago and said, "I had an interview this morning. Want to talk about it?" and we figured out what we could do to fix the problems I was having.

When you're interviewing, ask how many of the people already there have kids. People with kids mostly don't put up with insane hours, because they have to get home in time to get the kids from daycare. So you'll get that flexibility too -- everyone WON'T be in the office at 9pm wondering why YOU left at 7.

Anyway, good luck in your soul searching, and your job searching, and your everything else searching! Boston's nice... and has a more varied cost of living in the area. Some towns housing costs similar to the Bay Area, some it costs way less.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think I've given high-tech the good ol' college try. It's been since 1989 and either I've had okay hours but doing useless nose-pick work, or I've had useful and challenging work but insane hours and pressure.

I think big companies are probably the piece I'm missing. I love the innovation and cohesiveness of small startups, but... *sigh*.

We have talked about the balloon animals before. Sounds fun! Sometime!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think that before this vacation I "knew" that any of these changes required also leaving Rob. Leaving high tech means I can't afford to live here, and he's planted much more firmly here than I am. Now he's thinking he could be willing to move. The mindset change is now a whole lot easier.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I would be happy to socialize with you, to do fun and outdoorsy things with you, and to talk about boob jobs.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

It's a post that mentions boobs -- how can I not respond? :D

Assuming that your dislike for high-tech has to do with the insane hours and not tech itself, I wonder if you'd like to be an API writer? The money's good and the jobs are plentiful because a lot of otherwise good tech writers get brainlock around code.

I mention this because I selfishly don't want you to leave the Bay Area.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Overall happiness and life satisfaction means so much more.

Yes!

This has been brought home to me much more sharply since Rob ditched high-tech. He can basically do whatever he wants (currently flight training, who knows what will be next) and can take time off whenever he likes. He does a lot of fun stuff while I sit at my desk. Suddenly I'm realizing what a millstone this is.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

So far these goals seem very nebulous: don't do this, don't be here. Something saying DO do this other thing and DO be in that area over there would be a great step.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I don't know if I replied to this already. If I did LJ ate it.

So it IS possible to have a high tech career and not work insane hours.

True, it's possible. I admit I see it as very unlikely. I know three part-time programmers, and at least the two here are so outstanding in their fields that companies beg to take them. I'm a generalist -- a smart one, but still, that makes me basically just a grunt. So I need to have a backup plan in case I don't get a high-paying part-time job.

I think you're right that my company really likes me. That's something.

...ask how many of the people already there have kids.

Very good idea. I suppose it's legal for ME to ask THEM that!

I do like Boston. I have family there, at least for a while (my parents are thinking of moving for climate reasons), and I miss the area.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you on all counts! I still need to figure out what fun outdoorsy things do not require feet. Surely there are some! Surely!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Boobs boobs boobs!

What is an API writer? I presume you don't mean someone who comes up with the API itself -- or do you? Perhaps it's someone who documents the API? Tech writing definitely interests me. I think I could learn to do it well, but I have zero experience, so breaking in to the field might be rough.

What ever happened to your concepts of eventually leaving the Bay Area?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I like these suggestions! Getting involved in things shortly after moving makes a lot of sense. That might be the next thing to figure out after figuring out WHERE to move: find groups and activities.

I think I already wrote something like that but LJ ate it.

[apparentparadox]

The other thing is to not underestimate the benefit of making those small changes (like doing the baking or planting flowers). Those will give you bursts of energy which will enable you to do even more.

[tiger-spot.livejournal.com]

Kayaking?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I definitely want to try kayaking.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Are there conventions and suchlike? I once knew how to knit. I don't give a hoot for the eventual finished product but if it is a skill to learn and it has social aspects, it has possibilities.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

Yes, I meant a tech writer who documents APIs. You might not have a tough time breaking into the field given your developer experience. API writing is different from other user documentation; comfort with and knowledge of code is often considered more valuable than actual writing experience. Add to that the fact that you can writer, and you make a pretty good package. You'd need a portfolio and that first job might be a little tricky, but you're certainly a good candidate for the switch.

As to our leaving the Bay Area, the short answer is no. The details are here. (http://amywithani.livejournal.com/475956.html)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

i'll add my vote for knitting as a hobby. :) and there's charity knitting if you don't want to be saddled with eleventy-seven afghans. i don't know that knitters have "conventions" per se, but we do like to get together, and some "famous" knitters like The Yarn Harlot (http://www.yarnharlot.ca/blog/) go out on book tours and do stuff like that.

Plus, you're welcome at our Stitch-n-Bitches ANY time. :)

these are some seriously tough things to work though, but i think your list is a very good first step. *hugs*

[laurenhat.livejournal.com]

Hmm, you're right. I was thinking that this is a lot less nebulous than "I'm unhappy; I think something should change" -- and it totally is. But I see how there are a lot more steps to take in terms of coming up with specific new directions.