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Two more days and I'll be on a plane coming home. Hard to believe.
I've realized quite a few things on this trip. I suppose that's one thing vacations are good for: taking a step back and seeing what I've been too busy to notice.
1. There is almost nothing about the life I am coming back to that I like. That's very freeing. I can ditch the lot. (Except my feet, sadly.) More on this later.
2. I isolate myself strongly. However, there are some kinds of contact that I want and need (and am not getting). I have to think about this a bit; most times I isolate myself for very good reasons. More on this later too.
3. People apparently see me as strong, confident, etc etc. Inner conflict or wimpiness doesn't show. The vast painful reasons I isolate myself don't show. I think I am a geode. Crack the hard outer shell and I'm totally different inside. Right now it's mainly empty in there, but give me some time and it may be pretty.
4. I need a form of vigorous physical activity I enjoy. This will take some planning; I desperately want to be self-propelled and to be outdoors, which means finding some OTHER activity I enjoy that will strengthen these arms and hands first.
5. There is no point in having money unless I spend it on the things I need: food, shelter, and my physical well-being. If I need a multi-thousand-dollar lightweight athletic-style wheelchair I should buy one. If I need a $7K sit-down Segway I should buy one.
In short, I don't much like who I am lately, and at least some of that is stuff I can change. I will become -- in some weird fashion perhaps -- physically fit again. I will learn to find people I enjoy. I know I can't have the life I want, but I can build something worth having.
I've realized quite a few things on this trip. I suppose that's one thing vacations are good for: taking a step back and seeing what I've been too busy to notice.
1. There is almost nothing about the life I am coming back to that I like. That's very freeing. I can ditch the lot. (Except my feet, sadly.) More on this later.
2. I isolate myself strongly. However, there are some kinds of contact that I want and need (and am not getting). I have to think about this a bit; most times I isolate myself for very good reasons. More on this later too.
3. People apparently see me as strong, confident, etc etc. Inner conflict or wimpiness doesn't show. The vast painful reasons I isolate myself don't show. I think I am a geode. Crack the hard outer shell and I'm totally different inside. Right now it's mainly empty in there, but give me some time and it may be pretty.
4. I need a form of vigorous physical activity I enjoy. This will take some planning; I desperately want to be self-propelled and to be outdoors, which means finding some OTHER activity I enjoy that will strengthen these arms and hands first.
5. There is no point in having money unless I spend it on the things I need: food, shelter, and my physical well-being. If I need a multi-thousand-dollar lightweight athletic-style wheelchair I should buy one. If I need a $7K sit-down Segway I should buy one.
In short, I don't much like who I am lately, and at least some of that is stuff I can change. I will become -- in some weird fashion perhaps -- physically fit again. I will learn to find people I enjoy. I know I can't have the life I want, but I can build something worth having.
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Sounds like your vacation has been good for you on several levels. I look forward to your return.
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Like Mark Zupan, the biggest stud on the planet?
IMNSHO only
Maybe LJ's a little different, but I'd agree to the first half of the sentence and add that you consistently appear to try and make the conflict or wimpiness a learning and growth experience.
By being a wee stoic, you seem to encourage responses of "I'll know you'll make it through, you're so brave and strong." Not a bad thing unless you feel it doesn't fit. And you seem to feel that way.
A quick aside: I had to check out geodes for a minute. Haven't looked at any in decades.
You're already lovely with the traits you choose to show the world. I can't begin to imagine how much more wonderful you'd be.
And Mark Zupan? Totally hot, agreed with
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I know you have the power to change and I hope you do it!
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I found that these two were related for me. I realized that I was spending the bulk of my time, effort and emotional energy on money. What was freeing for me was that I decided to "spend money on my emotional well-being" by my choice of job. In other words, I felt free to take a low-paying job (school teacher) because I knew I would enjoy it and be fulfilled by it in ways I hadn't managed in the biotech and software industries. In essence, I'm "spending" the money by not earning it in the first place.
Strong, yes. It's harder to tell with confidence. I've had a lot of opportunity to learn that you generally can't tell how someone is feeling by his/her actions.
I love the geode metaphor. I think I've gotten a couple of glimpses inside over the years, and from what I can tell, it's definitely pretty in there. Once you clean out the clutter, it will be a lot easier to see.
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And I think inside is already pretty, it just needs to be exposed to the light more often :-D
*hugs*
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Isn't that a weird feeling? I've been having a similar, though not identical, thing over the last year or two. I am eager to see what you do with it, and would like to hear more on it later.
People apparently see me as strong, confident, etc etc. Inner conflict or wimpiness doesn't show.
Oh, hon. If you didn't have those interior faultlines, you wouldn't have to be strong, confident, etc. People who don't have things to fear are not the ones who have to become brave. It doesn't make you a shell.
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I suspect we've all felt that geode moment; some act upon it, others just leave it alone, believing it to be immutable. Good luck with the next chapter of your life!
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This may not be what you're looking for, but I've been having a blast on my recumbent trike.
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I have a friend who says with all that poop, there *has* to be a pony in there somewhere. The pony, for me, was that my disability forced me to reinvent my life. I am taking the opportunity to only include those things that feed my aliveness. It's been beyond difficult at times, but oh, so rewarding.
In short, I don't much like who I am lately, and at least some of that is stuff I can change. I will become -- in some weird fashion perhaps -- physically fit again. I will learn to find people I enjoy. I know I can't have the life I want, but I can build something worth having.
Yes!
p.s.
I've adopted a similar concept; I spend my resources (time, energy and money) supporting those things that support me. If I don't, I'm supporting things that don't support me. It seems so simple, I would think that would have been obvious, but it wasn't. It makes a profound difference in my life when I keep to it.
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Swimming? Weightlifting?
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FWIW, in the short time you and I interacted IRL mostly-daily, I also saw you as strong and confident. And I also perceived some inner conflict. I don't think those things are mutually exclusive at all. To me, that just means you're human, you're aware, and you're processing. I'm concerned by people who can go through life and be Not Affected.
I agree, re: money, mobility, well-being, etc. If you need both of those chairs for different contexts, you should also buy both. Money may not be able to buy happiness, but it sure can make it easier to go find it yourself.
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We just want to see more of you, flaws and all. Do what you can to enjoy life and friends and family. Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Swimming is Great Excercise and doesn't tax the feet. And it's cousin Water Aerobics is Great and again Feet Easy. Both will develop your upper body strength. I have lousy arches and my calf was torn when I was younger, so I have to be careful with foot things too. Every time I've tried a floor excercise program I end up feeling like I've broken my ankle. Ugh. And I was a Ballet Dancer before I got injured (not Ballet related).
Electric Scooters are your friend, and can easily be rented at the larger cons. If the con is smaller, you can usually find a local rental place and have it delivered to the Con Hotel. Big Harold can't walk or stand for long periods of time, so we've been there too.
Most of fandom is helpful and useful. So remember to ask for help and usefulness and you will receive.
*Hugs* for helping you deal with it all.
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And what I know of what's inside I think is pretty, too. :-)
I've gone through a lot of self-examination over the last couple of years, and I found a mixed bag - some things I like, some things I don't but can live with if I minimize them, and some things that must be changed.
It's a lot to deal with, realizations like this. *hugs*
Smart, fierce, and sexy.
He's more then undiluted testosterone.
((Only maybe the last couple of chapters are about Murderball-making and rugby.))
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What I see from here is that you have very high standards for yourself, and I think when you judge yourself by those standards you come out feeling conflicted or wimpy, but not by other people's standards, necessarily. YMMV.
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Is there anyone you can sue?
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I have some weird kind of nerve damage. Maybe I can sue my parents for bad genes?
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Did it come on all at once, or suddenly?
Does it still hurt, or did that block thingy work?
On a scale of one to ten, how pissed off are you (cuz I'd be one angry and bitter human being)?
Is there anything I can do?
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It came on over a period of a few weeks I think. Hard to remember (3.5yrs ago now). The block thingy did squat.
I think I'm at about eleven. I am one very angry human being. I could become the kind of person everybody quits talking to. I make snide remarks to those snotty folks who brag about how much exercise they need. Give me another couple years to adjust and I might be a fun person again. I hope so. I like fun.
I don't know. Maybe you can make up something scathingly humorous about it!
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Re: Smart, fierce, and sexy.
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Re: Smart, fierce, and sexy.