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Two more days and I'll be on a plane coming home. Hard to believe.
I've realized quite a few things on this trip. I suppose that's one thing vacations are good for: taking a step back and seeing what I've been too busy to notice.
1. There is almost nothing about the life I am coming back to that I like. That's very freeing. I can ditch the lot. (Except my feet, sadly.) More on this later.
2. I isolate myself strongly. However, there are some kinds of contact that I want and need (and am not getting). I have to think about this a bit; most times I isolate myself for very good reasons. More on this later too.
3. People apparently see me as strong, confident, etc etc. Inner conflict or wimpiness doesn't show. The vast painful reasons I isolate myself don't show. I think I am a geode. Crack the hard outer shell and I'm totally different inside. Right now it's mainly empty in there, but give me some time and it may be pretty.
4. I need a form of vigorous physical activity I enjoy. This will take some planning; I desperately want to be self-propelled and to be outdoors, which means finding some OTHER activity I enjoy that will strengthen these arms and hands first.
5. There is no point in having money unless I spend it on the things I need: food, shelter, and my physical well-being. If I need a multi-thousand-dollar lightweight athletic-style wheelchair I should buy one. If I need a $7K sit-down Segway I should buy one.
In short, I don't much like who I am lately, and at least some of that is stuff I can change. I will become -- in some weird fashion perhaps -- physically fit again. I will learn to find people I enjoy. I know I can't have the life I want, but I can build something worth having.
I've realized quite a few things on this trip. I suppose that's one thing vacations are good for: taking a step back and seeing what I've been too busy to notice.
1. There is almost nothing about the life I am coming back to that I like. That's very freeing. I can ditch the lot. (Except my feet, sadly.) More on this later.
2. I isolate myself strongly. However, there are some kinds of contact that I want and need (and am not getting). I have to think about this a bit; most times I isolate myself for very good reasons. More on this later too.
3. People apparently see me as strong, confident, etc etc. Inner conflict or wimpiness doesn't show. The vast painful reasons I isolate myself don't show. I think I am a geode. Crack the hard outer shell and I'm totally different inside. Right now it's mainly empty in there, but give me some time and it may be pretty.
4. I need a form of vigorous physical activity I enjoy. This will take some planning; I desperately want to be self-propelled and to be outdoors, which means finding some OTHER activity I enjoy that will strengthen these arms and hands first.
5. There is no point in having money unless I spend it on the things I need: food, shelter, and my physical well-being. If I need a multi-thousand-dollar lightweight athletic-style wheelchair I should buy one. If I need a $7K sit-down Segway I should buy one.
In short, I don't much like who I am lately, and at least some of that is stuff I can change. I will become -- in some weird fashion perhaps -- physically fit again. I will learn to find people I enjoy. I know I can't have the life I want, but I can build something worth having.
no subject
I found that these two were related for me. I realized that I was spending the bulk of my time, effort and emotional energy on money. What was freeing for me was that I decided to "spend money on my emotional well-being" by my choice of job. In other words, I felt free to take a low-paying job (school teacher) because I knew I would enjoy it and be fulfilled by it in ways I hadn't managed in the biotech and software industries. In essence, I'm "spending" the money by not earning it in the first place.
Strong, yes. It's harder to tell with confidence. I've had a lot of opportunity to learn that you generally can't tell how someone is feeling by his/her actions.
I love the geode metaphor. I think I've gotten a couple of glimpses inside over the years, and from what I can tell, it's definitely pretty in there. Once you clean out the clutter, it will be a lot easier to see.