Am I going insane or coming back from there?

[cjsmith]

Ever get to the point when you really want to talk to a person about something and you realize he doesn't want to hear about it? Ever want support from someone and realize that he's got faaaaaaar more important things on his mind than hearing about YOUR life and what's going on with YOU? That point where you suddenly wake up and see something you later feel like you should have known for years?

I have some stress about the whole interview/job-offer situation, and I am realizing that one person I really thought I could talk to about it is in this category. There is absolutely no way he wants to hear about this right now. It's the last thing he'd care about. Oh, he might be polite and hear me out before changing the subject -- or he might not. But he wouldn't ask questions or offer advice or basically care.

This is the second realization in, oh, a few months. I clued in about another long-time friend a while back. This one is situational, temporary; the previous one is less striking but chronic.

They hurt, in the moment; I'm stung, and I feel angry. But then I start to wonder about all sorts of related things. Can anything give me the "right" to a particular person's friendship or support? Am I simply expecting too much? If not, am I a bad judge of people? Do I do for others the things I wished others would do for me? Am I seeing things that aren't there, and would these folks happily be supportive?

I honestly don't know. Maybe I'm going insane. But maybe it's the other way round: could be I was delusional before and now I'm more aware. I can't tell.

Comments

[firecat]

You don't have the "right" to someone else's time and energy, but you most definitely have every right to feel disappointed if you hoped/expected someone would be there for you and they aren't. Feelings aren't really about rights, they're about hopes and wants, which are entirely valid.

I know how it feels to believe, if I am disappointed by someone, that this means I am a bad judge of people and that I "should have known" I wouldn't be able to get what I wanted from that person. Whenever a friend or lover disappoints me, I go beat myself up about it, as if being disappointed isn't enough! What's that about?

I don't think "I should have known" is a good thing for me to believe without skepticism, because I've noticed that if I act on that belief, I withdraw from people more than is ideal, and then I don't get access to the support that *is* available because I don't realize it's there.

You're not insane - or at least there's nothing in the above post that makes me think you're insane.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

True enough, feelings aren't about rights. A good point. Of course, a bit of rational thought about rights can help mute or ameliorate some feelings.

Whenever a friend or lover disappoints me, I go beat myself up about it, as if being disappointed isn't enough! What's that about?

*laughter* When you put it that way, it does seem a bit silly!

Thanks.

[firecat]

Of course, a bit of rational thought about rights can help mute or ameliorate some feelings.

I'm glad it works that way for you. It sometimes works that way for me but only if I also allow the feelings a chance to have a say. Also I know people for whom it doesn't work that way at all, and I'm glad I'm not them.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It works particularly well for me when I'm feeling whiney about not getting something I think I "should" get. When I realize "should" doesn't really enter into it, at least not quite that way, then all I have left is the disappointment, not the EXTRA angst about being disrespected or my friend being evil or life being unfair or what-have-you.