Am I going insane or coming back from there?

[cjsmith]

Ever get to the point when you really want to talk to a person about something and you realize he doesn't want to hear about it? Ever want support from someone and realize that he's got faaaaaaar more important things on his mind than hearing about YOUR life and what's going on with YOU? That point where you suddenly wake up and see something you later feel like you should have known for years?

I have some stress about the whole interview/job-offer situation, and I am realizing that one person I really thought I could talk to about it is in this category. There is absolutely no way he wants to hear about this right now. It's the last thing he'd care about. Oh, he might be polite and hear me out before changing the subject -- or he might not. But he wouldn't ask questions or offer advice or basically care.

This is the second realization in, oh, a few months. I clued in about another long-time friend a while back. This one is situational, temporary; the previous one is less striking but chronic.

They hurt, in the moment; I'm stung, and I feel angry. But then I start to wonder about all sorts of related things. Can anything give me the "right" to a particular person's friendship or support? Am I simply expecting too much? If not, am I a bad judge of people? Do I do for others the things I wished others would do for me? Am I seeing things that aren't there, and would these folks happily be supportive?

I honestly don't know. Maybe I'm going insane. But maybe it's the other way round: could be I was delusional before and now I'm more aware. I can't tell.

Comments

[joedecker.livejournal.com]

You're not insane, it's very common, unfortunately common, to have the feeling of be way overspent in the friend bank.

I'm going through a variety of examples of that in my own life, and I know that some of it is rational, and I know that some of it is irrational, and there's a whole bunch in the middle where I can't tell if it's rational or it's irrational, and it's got me brains akimbo. Not that I'm requesting sympathy here, just trying to say "Yeah, it sucks, and it's confusing, and frustrating, and painful, and gah."

In the end, though, you have a right to seek friends (partners, too) who will meet your needs, and those needs (at least, my needs, and I suspect yours) include a certain amount of being willilng to trade a bit of sympathetic, understanding listening. And, as I've found myself, if the people in your life aren't meeting your needs, and won't, sometimes there's no other solution save to go find some who will. Doesn't make it fun, or easy, but it's the best I got. :/

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*nod* I think one of the reasons I'm sensitive to the concept of "overspent in the friend bank" is that I know several people who feel that way right now. You've got some of it and my mom's got some of it, and I'm thus noticing patterns more easily than I otherwise might.

there's a whole bunch in the middle where I can't tell if it's rational or it's irrational, and it's got me brains akimbo.

Exactly. That's exactly it. (and, *hugs*. Frustrating.)

And, as I've found myself, if the people in your life aren't meeting your needs, and won't, sometimes there's no other solution save to go find some who will. Doesn't make it fun, or easy, but it's the best I got.

Right. After, of course, letting the person know what's up (if I value the friendship). Sometimes, moving on is just... reality.