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Thanks to everyone who offered comments, support, and ideas in response to my "Deadline" post. I appreciate not only the support but the connection, the knowledge that someone out there hears and understands where I'm at with this. Quite a few someones, even. It means a lot to me.
Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.
Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).
I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.
And enormous thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.
Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.
Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).
I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.
And enormous thanks to
dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.
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I will try to get them in the mail tomorrow at lunch!
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I fear blindness. BIG fear. It's my control-freakishness: I want to be completely independent, and there would be some big hurdles there.
Ramble any time. :)
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That's one of the worst poisons of such a message -- it multiplies, because you never know who's simply not saying it. And I completely agree that the only true answer for that is to do what you think is right regardless, and yeah, that's awfully rough!
I too have had the "lazy" tape playing. My posts read as if I'm doing a lot, but there's always something else I'm not doing, some exercise I didn't do to perfection, some dietary weirdness I haven't tried. I've got to learn that there are limits to how much I'm willing to have this take over my life, too, and that doesn't equal lazy.
*hug*.
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Yeah. I've dated way too many of those! Never again! I also know how hard it is on a person like that when a long string of good luck finally ends -- if one hasn't built the emotional endurance over a lifetime, then learning it at (say) age 75 isn't easy at all.
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I wish that your feet could be treated as easily. But I'm glad that you are able to see around corners and find solutions.
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I just have garden variety plantar fasciitis
Plantar fasciitis sounds truly annoying to me -- I'm not sure I'd be griping any less if that's what I had. I fear it. How long have you had that pain? (Rob had it for a bit over a year, if I recall correctly. One gal I saw this morning has had it for ten.)
then I can put up with some pain to see some dinosaur bones and some rocks.
Or you could see if the Smithsonian has scooters. They might! Then you would get to see dinosaur bones and rocks without pain. :-)
I'm glad there are some things that alleviate the pain. I hope the tennis ball massage doesn't hurt badly while you are doing it! I could imagine that it might. :-(
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I was in denial for a long time. In my case I knew my disorders were permanent, but I insisted that I could do whatever I wanted anyway -- even though I knew I'd pay for it later by having to pretty much live in the recliner for a few days. I refused to get a cane or a handicrapTM parking tag because that would be admitting that I was disabled.
I got the handicrap tag first because it was so painful to walk, and it was an enormous help. I'd had to stop going to the mall because I couldn't walk around and still make it back to the car -- especially if I'd bought anything and had to carry stuff. And in those days the mall was pretty much all the shopping there was in town, so it was a major problem. Being able to use the handicrap spaces made my life much easier.
But I still refused to get a cane because "I was too young".
Once I got the hang of using it I realized how incredibly foolish I had been. I wished I'd hadn't forced myself to do without it for so long. I never used the institutional one my PT gave me -- I found a very pretty one and felt much better using that. Eventually I found a gorgeous hand-carved one from Kenya (it looks vaguely like these (http://www.beautysinternationalmarketplace.com/images/Nov16WalkStickCombo.gif)) (it was on clearance at the SERRV shop (http://www.serrv.org/) so I only paid $16 for it!!). I got compliments on it absolutely everywhere I went, often from total strangers, and I realized that instead of seeing it as a mobility aid, people saw a fashion accessory, and it was a great feeling knowing that people weren't pitying me for being disabled. (So if you ever decide to get a cane, it's worth spending a little extra to get a pretty one.)
Acceptance is not the same as "giving up." You can continue working to get better while still accepting that, at least for the near future, you will be dealing with the pain and reduced mobility. You can focus on making life easier now while you continue to hope for improvement.
I'll watch your journal more carefully now. You're always there for me with helpful, friendly or cheerful comments, as appropriate, and even though you obviously have a lot of wonderful friends, I want to be there for you too with whatever insights and help I can give.
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Ya know, I was just thinking that it's not necessarily a bad mental tape. It can provide you with a benefit -- it helps you not to actually wimp out, but to explore other possibilities to the point that you are as satisfied as you reasonably can be that at this time you've done all you can do.
Or you could see if the Smithsonian has scooters.
I hadn't thought of that! I'll ask.
I hope the tennis ball massage doesn't hurt badly while you are doing it! I could imagine that it might.
In my case, it's the exact opposite. It feels very good. Most of the time, I heat my feet (I have it in both and have had it for nearly two years), massage with a tennis ball, then heat again. When I've overtaxed my feet (they're very good about letting me know, heh), I tennis ball them without heat (relieves the pain) and then I ice them (reduces inflammation).
It sucks, but I do get relief and I do get to use the gym. When my feet are in good shape, I use the treadmill (ellipticals exacerbate the problem for me and I don't know why). When they suck, I use stationary bicycles and the pool. I can always do weights -- my feet don't care.
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I'm glad the tennis ball feels good! And I could become an ice junkie. It continually surprises me how well ice can (for a minute or two) take the pain away.
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I also feel for you. When I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis three years ago I fell apart. I was 27--how could I have arthritis? (simple answer: got dealt bad joints at birth, played competitive athletics for many years, and danced for many yeas). Anyhow, the hardest part for me has been accepthing that I do indeed have limitations, and that those limitations will probably just grow, not lessen with time. It is a tough one but I am so glad you are finding ways to deal.
And yay for swimming!
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My grandmother had a placard & a plastic hang-tag. Her disability was one of the invisible ones, (congestive heart disease). My only old beef with my grandmother's use of her placard was parking in a blue spot when one right next to it was also available & would not have made any difference in her walking distance.
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I believe swimming is an encouraged method of exercise. The two roadblocks seem to be (a) she feels the Timpany Center (http://bayarea.easterseals.com/site/PageServer?pagename=CABY_ESCC_Intro) pool is far to drive to & (b) she does not feel comfortable swimming alone in the pool at her SJ house (which may also still be cold this time of year as it is solar heated with blankets which are currently off).
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My mother also had trouble with her plantar fasciitis with the (supposedly low impact) ellipticals. We also do not know why.
Good feet healing wishes for both
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Both the elliptical that doesn't hurt my feet and the others are the kind that run on a metal track. You can program the machine to slope the tracks into some pretty sharp uphills. They are not the machines where you hold onto to hand levers at the same time.