Awareness, happiness, and attachments

[cjsmith]

[Pieces of my side of a conversation elsewhere, stitched together here.]

There's a lot of happiness to be found when one is oblivious, but then when one begins to see things a bit more clearly, it can hurt like blazes. So is there a stage past that, where one sees more, and is okay again? I'm thinking there is, but I have only a few shards to go on.

Lots of people ignore bad stuff. (Deliberately overfocus on good stuff to drive the bad stuff out, or are in denial. (And maybe also unhappy, maybe not.)) I ignore a lot just to stay sane, and somehow I think I'm missing a piece there.

I want to see it all, be aware of it all, and be okay. Some few humans can. I cannot (yet). Perhaps I don't have enough lifetime left to get there; that's okay. I firmly believe that people can.

I'm thinking of a very few people: Dalai Lama, maybe. I read him as truly happy -- that is, he is content, serene, happy, but not due to ignoring shit. Not due to making up a sweetness-and-light "good outcome" that no one actually knows will happen. That's a dependent, weak happiness. His is not.

The more I think about all this, the more I start to surmise that the attachments we hurt ourselves with are ideas. "Other people should meet my needs even if I cannot articulate them." "People should be competent at what they do." "Life should be fair." I've got that last one and it is going to cause me pain until I jettison it. I am deeply attached to it.

I would guess that this is a teeny tiny step on a really long road. I have peeled one layer of a very large onion. I suspect there's more onion in there and I can do better.

Comments

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is.

I want to see it all, be aware of it all, and be okay.

May I have the brain back when you're finished?

I do ignore a lot of what I value as little things; the problem comes if/when they build up or change into big things.

"Life should be fair."

That one is tough - I use affirmations of a sort to remind myself when it isn't, and have learned to be more accepting of circumstance.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

What sort of affirmations? I might like to steal 'em.

Your turn for the brain. :)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I end up just having to reiterate to myself that life isn't fair. Nothing special, just beating myself with the obvious. Being the paradox that I am (happy-go-lucky cynic), that works for some reason. :-)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I want to be sure I'm understanding what you're saying.

The way this is reading, if someone says their happy, they're either self-delusional, or they're one of very few humans who can be aware and still be happy.

I think there are a lot of people who are oblivious to the fact that they're not entitled to happiness, that it's not something someone else can give them. I think those are the truely unhappy, because they are waiting for someone else to fix the world for them.

I think those who are truely happy take responsibility for their happiness, through the pain, disapointment, trauma, etc. It's not a matter of ignoring those things, but acknowledging they exist and are part of life. It's a choice of being ruled by the bad stuff, and dwelling on things you can't change, or dwelling on the good things, the things that can be controlled, the things we do for ourselves to make us happy.

I would consider myself a happy person, overall. I'm not Mary Sunshine, by any stretch of the imagination, but overall I am content with my life, and am working towards chainging the things I want to, and letting go of the things I can't.

I'm not happy about my health. I'm not happy about getting laid off. I'm not happy about some issues in the past.

But dwelling on them does nothing for my life but make me unhappy.

Is this in the realm of what you meant, or am I off the mark?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It seems very close to what I meant. I admit I have seen a lot of people crumple when their illusions have gone away. I've been among them. Perhaps my idea of percentages is skewed, so the "very few" I wrote is wrong.

It's not a matter of ignoring those things, but acknowledging they exist and are part of life.

Yes, this, definitely. And somehow having a rock-solid foundation that can't be shaken by them. Even the worst of what humans do to other humans -- war, hunger, they're all there, and in my day-to-day life I ignore them. I could claim it's so I can do my work, but is it? Or is it because if I thought about them I might be uncomfortable? If the latter, then to me, that's denial. Now it might be denial I desperately need right at the moment. Maybe I'm not ready to face the horrors. One of the ways I've taken charge of my own happines is not watching the news, and that may very well be a smart move.

I am imagining what would happen if the Dalai Lama were walking through the rubble and violence of war. If he were watching some torturer feed a man to a wood chipper. In my imagination, he would be compassionate to the pain, he would urge the torturer to stop, but he would not have to close his eyes. He would long since have made his peace with this aspect of reality; in his face or not, it wouldn't be new information somehow. He already knew what humans are capable of. He's already done the grief. Me, I haven't. I'd be shaken to the core. More of my comfortable illusions would be pierced. I might never be the same, and I might not be too sane for a while.

I want to acknowledge. I fear that I haven't, except maybe for some of the little tragedies (like my chronic pain). My house is built on sand.

Now it reads like I want to swim in horror. That's not right either.

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I keep abrest of what's going on in the world, I read the paper, I check out web sites (I don't watch the news, because I've never really liked to) and there are a ton of horrors out there.

I have a certain cynicism about human nature - I do believe that people have the capacity for great good or great evil. It's one of the reasons I don't think socialism or communism can actually work other than for small groups, because there will always be people who only care about what they can get out of it. And, in a lot of ways, I think that level of selfishness is the root of all evil.

I think that cynicism is how I survive. All I can do is behave in ways to not contribute to the horrors in the world, as far as I can.

I have to allow that evil exists as a counterpoint to good. And I have to accept that. If I fight that concept, I refuse to accept something that is basic human nature, and has existed since the beginning of time.

In some ways, it's how I deal with my own "evil" impulses. I know I have the capacity to be a selfish, self-centered person. I've done things in my past that prove that to me. All I can do is to continue to not act in those ways.

I know I take the concept you have of global horros and keep bringing it down to a personal level, but it's something I have to do to deal with it, in some ways.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think that cynicism is how I survive.

That rings very true for me as well. "Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away." --I forget who.

All I can do is to continue to not act in those ways.

Yes. And when I fail, recognize that I can do better in the future...

[layer.livejournal.com]

this is some important stuff to ponder. i've been thinking a lot about things like this myself. especially the whole happiness thing. i think i'm happy in general, but not in a denial kind of way. things are hard and they can suck but i try to remember how lucky i am. and it's pretty darned lucky.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

i try to remember how lucky i am.

Yeah, that can help hugely. I grumble about my feet, but I also remember that I HAVE feet.

[firecat]

So is there a stage past that, where one sees more, and is okay again?

The Dalai Lama comes from a school of Buddhism that focuses on understanding what suffering is and being committed to relieving suffering in others. For me the latter is what makes knowledge of suffering bearable.

And yes, this school of thought also focuses on the suffering that ideas can cause. (Although there are other kinds of suffering too.)

If you ever want to go with me to check out the Shambhala center in Mountain View, let me know. They offer meditation instruction on Sunday mornings. I haven't been, but I keep thinking I ought.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The Dalai Lama comes from a school of Buddhism that focuses on understanding what suffering is and being committed to relieving suffering in others. For me the latter is what makes knowledge of suffering bearable.

Mmm. This makes much sense.

I have to admit here that I'm pretty unaware of how the various kinds of Buddhism differ. I'm a dabbler. If I hear something attributed to the Dalai Lama, I say to myself "Buiddhism" rather than "Tibetan Buddhism" or something more specific. So in some ways I'm using this name without knowing a lot about him. :-)

If you ever want to go with me to check out the Shambhala center in Mountain View, let me know.

Very tempting. I also know Pema Chodron teaches there, and I like/respect what I have read of hers.

[firecat]

I have to admit here that I'm pretty unaware of how the various kinds of Buddhism differ.

Well, me too; I had to go do research on Wikipedia to discover that a focus on preventing suffering is part of Tibetan Buddhism and not part of some other schools.

I like Pema Chodron's writings too.

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

A couple of interviews I have read with the Dalai Lama have led me to believe he has a *great* sense of humor. I think that's key.

[kennita.livejournal.com]

I've found that I can lower my blood pressure by replacing "x should" by "I would prefer if x". That puts the focus back on me, since I'm the one having the negative feelings, and those are what I can do the most good by changing, since x often doesn't give a good goddamn what my feelings are, except to manipulate them, perhaps.

I like the idea of going to the Shambhala Center, too -- I'm contemplating the feasibility of not just being up, but being somewhere, by 10 on a Sunday morning :-) . I wonder if this Sunday is a particularly good day, or a particularly bad day, for such an excursion?

As far as ignoring bad stuff to stay sane, you say that like it's a bad thing. Most bad stuff you can't do anything about. In my experience, I have no desire to ignore bad stuff that I can do something about -- it's fun to fix it. That's the problem; there's enough of it that I have no choice but to ignore some of it. Oh, and there's that word "can" -- how much of my energy is it worth it (to me) to solve any given problem that I "can" solve?

People can think of any number of reasons why you "should" (i.e., they would prefer if you did) not ignore their pet causes. Yes, you're missing pieces -- get over it. In any case, you'll want to make sure the pieces are to your puzzle, not theirs.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I would prefer if x

I like that one. I'll try it.

As far as ignoring bad stuff to stay sane, you say that like it's a bad thing.

Oh, it definitely has its advantages. I guess what I'm really exploring here is fear. If I am ignoring some bad stuff to stay sane, then what happens when bad stuff jumps up and says boo? I am imagining some pluperfect* state where I've done all my emotional processing and then nothing else can ever take me down again. Hah. :-)

* Yeah, I know I used that word wrong, but it sounds so almost-right there.

[exponentialdk.livejournal.com]

At some point in the past, quite likely in the wake of what could be called a domestic social war, I feel like I made a major step in the direction you describe: several layers of the onion. I rather abruptly lost a lot of my inner turbulence, attaining a sort of peace that I hadn't known before.

But:

- is it less turbulence because there is less flow, or has it become more laminar?

- am I harder to upset because I just stopped caring?

I do feel like I've made a lot of progress, though I can't identify how. There are small things that I still get passionate about (e.g. the Right Way to do certain things at work), and I'm still passionate about most of the big things. Perhaps I've just become oblivious to most of the little things.

Good luck with your introspection. Hopefully you'll do better at guiding your development than I've been at riding along with mine.
:-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

is it less turbulence because there is less flow, or has it become more laminar?

And which answer would be more desirable? I'm not even sure I know.

I do feel like I've made a lot of progress, though I can't identify how. [...] Hopefully you'll do better at guiding your development than I've been at riding along with mine.

Yeah, I too have had that feeling. I've lost some of the turbulence I had in my early twenties. I don't know how. I think about it in the hopes of trying to duplicate it (continue it) deliberately. So far, I'm still just riding along, although spending a bit of energy cataloguing the scenery!

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

So is there a stage past that, where one sees more, and is okay again?

Yes.

A lot of things are like that. It's like, you start out with beginner's luck, & then when you figure things out a bit more whatever you're doing starts to suck; but then if you push through that, you end up better than where you started.

And it's important to do that, because the happiness that comes from innocence is so fragile. Start noticing things and it's gone. The happiness that comes from having worked through loss of innocence is a lot more sturdy.

But you have to keep doing it over & over because it happens for every different aspect of life.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

But you have to keep doing it over & over because it happens for every different aspect of life.

Yeah. That. Oddly enough, I'm not even sure I can "do it over & over" on command; I mostly notice that I *have* done it in the past and that it's been worthwhile.