cjsmith | I have HAD IT.

Current Mood: stressed

I have HAD IT.

I haven't relaxed since some time in October. [LJ-CUT TEXT="venting, long"]

Every night after work I'm trying to do two Pimsleur tapes and write five or more C1 square dance choreo sequences. Some nights I can't, though. It's particularly difficult on the nights when the pain is bad. It's excruciating to sit up and my concentration is shot. Even on nights when the pain is only medium, these things take a lot longer to do than it sounds like they would take. Then there are any other chores: doing dishes, scooping the litterbox, studying hiragana and katakana, writing any C2, C3A, C3B, or C4 sequences...

Last night I was stunningly productive given the pain level: reviewed one Pimsleur lesson and went through two new ones, washed half the dishes while bent over awkwardly from the pain (stopped at half because that's what fits in the drainer), wrote three C1 sequences, and made flash cards for all the hiragana and half the katakana. I didn't scoop the litterbox. I didn't finish the dishes. I didn't do the other seven C1 sequences I really ought to have done. I didn't do the math to figure out how many sequences of C2-and-up I need. (I'm sure those numbers are small, but I still need to know them soon if I'm to prepare well.)

Did I mention I just got two new assignments at work? There's no lengthening of the schedule. I'm supposed to finish those along with everything else that was on my plate, all before I leave. No slacking off at work and using the time to do choreo or Japanese!

I've had it.

I know it's gotten bad when I lie on the floor (the pain, remember) and think about how freeing it would be to know I would die in the next few weeks. Wouldn't that be wonderful news? What heaven! What bliss! That's when I know I'm not just overextended, I'm trying to stretch from here to Jupiter.

I also know it's gotten bad when I read about my husband's day in his LJ and realize that not once during the evening was it a good time for him to simply tell me about it. That doesn't happen often, but it happened last night.

Bad.

I don't even know what to cut. Work is a commitment I have made; I feel strongly about honoring it. It would be unethical to goof off knowingly while they're still paying me. (I have no vacation time.) Having good choreo for a square dance event I'm calling is a similar commitment; I'm a professional, I'm being paid to do this, I've signed a contract. Not to mention that doing poorly would be painfully embarrassing while doing well would open doors for more opportunities (for "opportunities" read "free travel"). The only thing that's not a commitment I have made is the only one I deeply enjoy: learning a language. The joy has been squeezed out quite a bit by the time pressure, but still, it's the only thing in here that's for *me*.

I do see a few lessons in all this. In hindsight, I should never have done NaNoWriMo. I was too busy to do it. I suspected as much, even! I chose to do it because it was another thing "for me". This deeply cut into my time to learn Japanese ("for me") and write choreo. Now I'm paying for that in stress. Next time I think I might be too busy to take on a project, I would do well to LISTEN TO ME about that, and not take it on.

I would also do well to study languages when I'm *not* about to leave for the country in question. My previous foundation in Japanese, minor as it was, is helping immensely now. More would have been even better.

The third lesson is something NaNoWriMo taught me this year, and I'm not yet sure how to explain it succinctly. If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario. Sadly, this isn't always easy to apply. For learning a language, there's a speed beyond which I simply am not capable of going. Two Pimsleur lessons a day is about it. Same with work; my brain needs breaks or it won't come up with the new ideas that let me keep going. But I could POUND the choreo. That would remove one piece of stress, making me more effective at the rest.

Okay. I've vented, which itself has made me feel somewhat better. I've identified some things to do "next time". I've identified one thing that might help right now. *deep breath*

A goofy little smile to anyone who got this far. I'm impressed. :-)

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i feel everything here except your pain. it's so hard when the only things left to cut are the only things that bring you joy. i hope things lighten up soon. for both of us.

Absolutely! This is nuts. Good luck with all the stuff you're trying to navigate.

I got the goofy little smile!

The pain thing is ghastly and it's sapping your resources as much as your fulltime job. One of these you can change.

What I'm getting at is that you're pounding against a wall that is partly there because you are over-committed. But as long as you know that you have choices, you'll make it through. The more you respect your choices, the happier you'll be.

That is, you're honor bound to finish your project(s) at work. That part is fixed. But what comes after that is not fixed. That's subject to choice.

Your choreo is not fixed. You recognize that you have a choice -- you can do a crappy job or you can do a good job. You have decided that the rewards of doing a good job outweigh the humuliation of doing a crappy job. Yay, choice.

Dishes, kitty litter, and other household chores are somewhat fixed. You can choose to hire someone to help you with domestic chores. Pet sitters abound. Housekeepers abound. There are drawbacks to these solutions, of course, but there are also drawbacks to your current solution of performing these tasks (or omitting them) through the pain. Again, choice.

Going through the Pimsleur lessons is another choice. As you point out, this choice affects your choreography work: If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario.

I do not at all mean that you are making bad choices. I am pointing out that you are making choices and your awareness of your choices helps you to do things like make goofy little smiles at the ed of rants. You're a pretty together person and I'd like to elevate you to a small household god, but that would be creepy and stalkerish.

The pain thing is ghastly and it's sapping your resources as much as your fulltime job. One of these you can change.

Which one? Do you mean that in the longer term (not before the Japan trip but maybe early next year) I can switch jobs? Yes, I could think about that. I suspect most of my job-related stress comes from ME and not from the job, so if I run away from this job I'll bring the issues along with, but I think there are still changes that could help. Addressing this could have very big positive effects.

What I'm getting at is that you're pounding against a wall that is partly there because you are over-committed. But as long as you know that you have choices, you'll make it through. The more you respect your choices, the happier you'll be.

Exactly. I tried to put a lot of "choice" and "personal empowerment / responsibility" -related words in the post (eg "I'm trying to do" instead of "I have to do"), indicating that I know this is something a) I mostly did to myself and b) I have the power to solve. My solution may not look like someone else's solution, but the more I am aware it is MY CHOICE the better off I'll be.

We have a cleaning service (yay! though they don't do dishes or litterboxes) and I can consciously stop doing stuff like baking that produces non-dishwasher-able dirty dishes. I can suspend, quit, or slow down the Pimsleur lessons -- I'd rather not, but I can. Heck, I can drink more wine. In the short term it sometimes helps the pain. (That approach could have long term consequences I might not like, of course!)

You're a pretty together person and I'd like to elevate you to a small household god, but that would be creepy and stalkerish.

Aw, *blush* thank you! Coming from you, whom I also perceive as a pretty together person, that means a lot.

*giggle* Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

Exactly. I tried to put a lot of "choice" and "personal empowerment / responsibility" -related words in the post (eg "I'm trying to do" instead of "I have to do"), indicating that I know this is something a) I mostly did to myself and b) I have the power to solve. My solution may not look like someone else's solution, but the more I am aware it is MY CHOICE the better off I'll be.

This is really smart. I noticed that.

*giggle* Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

Well, if you're a god, I'd imagine that the hours aren't really a issue. You'll have people for that.

If I get to send a subordinate to sit and watch your altar, then you get to send one to sit and watch mine. :-)

Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

I want to see the statuette. :)

Hours! "Houris" are different. ;-)

okay, now, i don't *ever* expect to hear *you* telling *me* that i push too much! ;)

OK, you've got a deal! :-)

I hope you get some pain-free rest soon.

Thanks! The pain truly is ticking me off. Ah well -- some days it's better. :-)

Yes, I read the whole thing. *goofy little smile*

Good news: you're thinking about this stuff. You're aware of it. It may sound sappy, but that really is the first step: recognizing it (and not letting it sail away down De Nile).

I do hope, and believe, things will get better for you. I know there aren't any easy fixes you can apply, but even taking five minutes to just breathe may help somewhat.

If nothing else, remember that you've got venting space here, and people who will listen. Take care.

Oh, agreed. Awareness helps immensely. Without that, I have nearly no power at all to make things different. (O'course, even when I start to see what's going on I still have to take action, but hey, one step at a time!)

Things will definitely get better after January first, when I leave for Japan. The choreo and the language learning are both for that trip.

Thanks for the listening ear. That is very valuable to me!

That's overextended, all right. >:/ Is there a date when things will go down to a more manageable level?

If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario.

Ooh.

That's something I will have to think more about. Thanks for posting it.

Yes, there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I leave for Japan on January first. After that life gets a lot better for me. I'll be writing choreo for an event in spring, but I've got more time to do less of it, and I won't be studying Japanese (much if at all).

I think I'm too willing to overextend myself for small, well-defined periods of time. I think "Oh, it's only until January, that's not bad" and I forget that during December it sure WILL be bad. Another thing for me to pay attention to in the future.

That's something I will have to think more about.

I'm guessing that's very different for different people. Heck, I think it's been different for me at other times in my life. This is new.

Yeahbut...I don't think I've ever even tried doing one thing at a time. There are so many things I'm interested in, it feels heartbreaking to drop them. Still...it would be nice to be good at things, and it makes sense that focusing would help... (ponder ponder ponder)

I admit I usually tell myself that this is so that I can FINISH the first thing and get on to all the others... some day I'll learn that "eight glasses of water a day" doesn't mean to fill them from De Nile. ;-)

Not too many words of wisdom, but lots of *hugs*. I thought I hadn't relaxed since the same time and I've just been bitchy about my crappy job. :-(

Thanks! *hugsback.* A crappy job can be such an enormous drain on a person, can't it? Particularly since you know you could do so much more, be so much more effective, and the system you're in seems to fight it at every turn. Bleah.

Yes, it can. Hopefully things are looking up on the work front, either with the leads for other employment that have been coming in or the upcoming Floor Control work I'm getting wherein they're essentially putting a whip in my hand. ;-)

Now the allergies and glasses issues are still TBD...

Excellent - hopefully work will be better soon in one way or another!

Yikes, the glasses are still TBD? STILL? Who you want me to beat up for ya, boss?

Who you want me to beat up for ya, boss?

Taking this out of context (what else would you expect from me?), I never should have visited leather shops with you. ;-) And two particular women sitting near me on the couch as I read your comment have both volunteered. ;-)

Back in context, I hadn't heard anything on $NewGlasses(2) and called them on Wednesday. Got in a debate with the optician - she said she was about to call since they just received them. I was skeptical, and said that with their track record I didn't trust they were even a different pair than I left there over a month ago, and wanted my money back and my insurance company credited for the frames and lenses. She offered 1/2 the lens fee as a refund. I refused and was supposed to receive a call back from the "team lead". Nothing by tonight, so I just tried again. The optician I just spoke to seemed more sympathetic and said she'd give the team lead the message to call me today. So I'm waiting as we speak...

Well, better to let them do it, then -- they're at least local. (Yes, I probably misinterpreted that.) ;-)

Grr. Hope you get your money back outta that mess.

Yes, I probably misinterpreted that.

I think so, but that's okay. ;-) They were volunteering to be beaten up by you.

*blush* I guessed that but had nothing clever to say in response. :-)

Given that I'm the one who mentioned that gave me an image of you in a leather corset, with riding crop in hand, and I've never actually seen you in leather.....

;-)

*g*

But, see, if I were beating YOU up we'd both be making it fun. If I were beating up some twit at the glasses place I'd be making sure it was not at all fun! :-)

Hey I get a goofy smile too!

I wish I could do something about your pain. But tonight at least you'll come home to a pretty Christmas tree, a clean house, and maybe even a working hot tub :-)

Yay goofy smile!

YAY tree and house and tub! Um, what are you doing to the house? Cleaners come Monday, no?

Huge favor? MAKE ME take multiple painkillers tonight if it gets bad? I can't afford this kind of down time...

I wish I could do something for you in return. I'll think of something! Other than procuring insanely addictive cashew cookies, that is.

The hot tub may not be warm yet, but at least I've gotten most of the gunk out of the water. And there was a LOT of gunk. I spent about 2 hours today wading around getting it all out. I'm still not wearing pants :-)

I'm just straightening up, so there isn't so much stuff lying around everywhere. Nothing major. But it doesn't take much to have a huge visual impact.

Frightening how much gunk was in there. Eeeeiiuuuu.

I'm still not wearing pants

This gives me an idea for something I could do in return... :-)

just straightening up

Domo arigatoo gozaimasu.

Wow, yay for cool husbands. :)

Yay indeed. Maybe I should keep this one, huh? :-)

Dunno if this would work for you, but I put Pimsleur on my walkman and listen to it while I'm doing chores.

An excellent idea, I think. Thank you. I'll try it on not-so-bad-pain nights. (The pain drops my IQ by at least twenty points, I think, making Pimsleur alone just a little more than my brain can handle.)

Did you ever learn katakana and/or hiragana? Any system, hints, mnemonics you'd care to share? I'm doing pretty well with the hiragana but the katakana are kicking my butt.

Pimsleur on the walkman works better for reviewing, for me, than for new lessons.

I haven't studied katakana and hiragana. I'm mainly studying Japanese so I can understand Japanese movies and TV better; I don't have much desire to go to Japan (tho' I might go to the WorldCon that is going to take place there in a few years). I might eventually try to learn them, but they really intimidate me.

I can imagine it would also be handy to have the pause button nearby. I can greatly increase my number of right answers (and I think my retention speed, too) if I give myself a couple more seconds to compose my replies.

The kana intimidate me, too. (And the kanji turn me into a whimpering lump of terror! I'm not doing a thing with those.)

That's a lot of stuff, and especially doing it while dealing with the pain. That you can do so much in spite of the pain, and that you CHOOSE to do it, it pretty remarkable.

Eh well, it's that or not live, y'know? That sounds awful, and I don't quite mean it that way. Really I have only two choices: live as best I can with the pain, or just sort of give up. Doing stuff (unless I overextend myself) is a positive for me, bringing happiness into my life. Better'n nothing.

Is this job indefinite, or eventually swappable for one with vacation time and sick leave?

Oh, it's got vacation time and sick leave. I've used them all up with my two square dance gigs! Next year will be better. I hope.

=sends virtual chocolate via icon=

I really empathize with you. You've got to find a way to destress (yeah, look who's talking =sigh= ). Seriously, do you meditate? As I learned in the mind/body treatment for fibromyalgia that I did a few years ago, mindfulness meditation can be very good for easing pain as well as stress. Links and/or copies of a tape can be yours upon request! If you want I'll also be happy to make you a copy of the Qi Gong Movements for Back Care tape that they gave me, which is great for loosening tight neck/shoulder/back muscles as well as relieving any kind of pain. It's only 15 minutes long, and the movements are described so clearly that you don't really need any instruction once you listen to it a few times. These tapes are Not Available In Any Store! But they can be yours, for the low, low price of giving me your address!

I even know where the old boom box with two cassette decks is. (I assume it still works ... um, and that you still have something that plays cassette tapes...? I don't know of any way to hook up a tape player to the computer to burn 'em onto a CD.)

Mmm, CHOCOLAAAAATE.

I do meditate. Not nearly enough. Good thought (groan), thanks!

Don't worry, I can still play 45s. And reel-to-reel. (I'm a square dance caller!) I can certainly play cassettes! Address in e-mail. :-) Thank you so much for thinking of this. (And don't worry if it takes a while to get a round tuit.) I'll try anything. :-)

*HUGS* on feeling overwhelmed. I had great intentions for November, but I got overwhelmed myself, just wasn't recovered and strong enough to do the things I wanted/needed to do. I'll also remark that I'm glad to see you recognize that it's your choices that painted you into the corner you see yourself in, seeing it that way can help to feel less helpless. Still, tough stuff.

Me, I need to make a post kinda like this one, but I'm still feeling overwhelmed and not back up to par, especially since I've been sick lately. Bleah.

So, anyway, sympathies, *HUGS*, and a prescription of easy no-prep yummy cheese as a pick-me-up! ("Trust me, I'm a doctor.")

Thanks! Yes, tough stuff. It's definitely my choices leading me into (and keeping me in) corners like this from time to time. The challenge is seeing it ahead of time with enough clarity that I actually start making different choices. That step is sadly not instantaneous. :-)

I so hope you feel better soon. AND stronger. This has got to be just crazymaking for you.

*HUGS* back, and mmmmmm yay for the cheese! I'll follow your prescriptions any time, Doc!

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I have HAD IT.

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