I have HAD IT.

[cjsmith]

I haven't relaxed since some time in October. [LJ-CUT TEXT="venting, long"]

Every night after work I'm trying to do two Pimsleur tapes and write five or more C1 square dance choreo sequences. Some nights I can't, though. It's particularly difficult on the nights when the pain is bad. It's excruciating to sit up and my concentration is shot. Even on nights when the pain is only medium, these things take a lot longer to do than it sounds like they would take. Then there are any other chores: doing dishes, scooping the litterbox, studying hiragana and katakana, writing any C2, C3A, C3B, or C4 sequences...

Last night I was stunningly productive given the pain level: reviewed one Pimsleur lesson and went through two new ones, washed half the dishes while bent over awkwardly from the pain (stopped at half because that's what fits in the drainer), wrote three C1 sequences, and made flash cards for all the hiragana and half the katakana. I didn't scoop the litterbox. I didn't finish the dishes. I didn't do the other seven C1 sequences I really ought to have done. I didn't do the math to figure out how many sequences of C2-and-up I need. (I'm sure those numbers are small, but I still need to know them soon if I'm to prepare well.)

Did I mention I just got two new assignments at work? There's no lengthening of the schedule. I'm supposed to finish those along with everything else that was on my plate, all before I leave. No slacking off at work and using the time to do choreo or Japanese!

I've had it.

I know it's gotten bad when I lie on the floor (the pain, remember) and think about how freeing it would be to know I would die in the next few weeks. Wouldn't that be wonderful news? What heaven! What bliss! That's when I know I'm not just overextended, I'm trying to stretch from here to Jupiter.

I also know it's gotten bad when I read about my husband's day in his LJ and realize that not once during the evening was it a good time for him to simply tell me about it. That doesn't happen often, but it happened last night.

Bad.

I don't even know what to cut. Work is a commitment I have made; I feel strongly about honoring it. It would be unethical to goof off knowingly while they're still paying me. (I have no vacation time.) Having good choreo for a square dance event I'm calling is a similar commitment; I'm a professional, I'm being paid to do this, I've signed a contract. Not to mention that doing poorly would be painfully embarrassing while doing well would open doors for more opportunities (for "opportunities" read "free travel"). The only thing that's not a commitment I have made is the only one I deeply enjoy: learning a language. The joy has been squeezed out quite a bit by the time pressure, but still, it's the only thing in here that's for *me*.

I do see a few lessons in all this. In hindsight, I should never have done NaNoWriMo. I was too busy to do it. I suspected as much, even! I chose to do it because it was another thing "for me". This deeply cut into my time to learn Japanese ("for me") and write choreo. Now I'm paying for that in stress. Next time I think I might be too busy to take on a project, I would do well to LISTEN TO ME about that, and not take it on.

I would also do well to study languages when I'm *not* about to leave for the country in question. My previous foundation in Japanese, minor as it was, is helping immensely now. More would have been even better.

The third lesson is something NaNoWriMo taught me this year, and I'm not yet sure how to explain it succinctly. If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario. Sadly, this isn't always easy to apply. For learning a language, there's a speed beyond which I simply am not capable of going. Two Pimsleur lessons a day is about it. Same with work; my brain needs breaks or it won't come up with the new ideas that let me keep going. But I could POUND the choreo. That would remove one piece of stress, making me more effective at the rest.

Okay. I've vented, which itself has made me feel somewhat better. I've identified some things to do "next time". I've identified one thing that might help right now. *deep breath*

A goofy little smile to anyone who got this far. I'm impressed. :-)

Comments

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I got the goofy little smile!

The pain thing is ghastly and it's sapping your resources as much as your fulltime job. One of these you can change.

What I'm getting at is that you're pounding against a wall that is partly there because you are over-committed. But as long as you know that you have choices, you'll make it through. The more you respect your choices, the happier you'll be.

That is, you're honor bound to finish your project(s) at work. That part is fixed. But what comes after that is not fixed. That's subject to choice.

Your choreo is not fixed. You recognize that you have a choice -- you can do a crappy job or you can do a good job. You have decided that the rewards of doing a good job outweigh the humuliation of doing a crappy job. Yay, choice.

Dishes, kitty litter, and other household chores are somewhat fixed. You can choose to hire someone to help you with domestic chores. Pet sitters abound. Housekeepers abound. There are drawbacks to these solutions, of course, but there are also drawbacks to your current solution of performing these tasks (or omitting them) through the pain. Again, choice.

Going through the Pimsleur lessons is another choice. As you point out, this choice affects your choreography work: If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario.

I do not at all mean that you are making bad choices. I am pointing out that you are making choices and your awareness of your choices helps you to do things like make goofy little smiles at the ed of rants. You're a pretty together person and I'd like to elevate you to a small household god, but that would be creepy and stalkerish.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The pain thing is ghastly and it's sapping your resources as much as your fulltime job. One of these you can change.

Which one? Do you mean that in the longer term (not before the Japan trip but maybe early next year) I can switch jobs? Yes, I could think about that. I suspect most of my job-related stress comes from ME and not from the job, so if I run away from this job I'll bring the issues along with, but I think there are still changes that could help. Addressing this could have very big positive effects.

What I'm getting at is that you're pounding against a wall that is partly there because you are over-committed. But as long as you know that you have choices, you'll make it through. The more you respect your choices, the happier you'll be.

Exactly. I tried to put a lot of "choice" and "personal empowerment / responsibility" -related words in the post (eg "I'm trying to do" instead of "I have to do"), indicating that I know this is something a) I mostly did to myself and b) I have the power to solve. My solution may not look like someone else's solution, but the more I am aware it is MY CHOICE the better off I'll be.

We have a cleaning service (yay! though they don't do dishes or litterboxes) and I can consciously stop doing stuff like baking that produces non-dishwasher-able dirty dishes. I can suspend, quit, or slow down the Pimsleur lessons -- I'd rather not, but I can. Heck, I can drink more wine. In the short term it sometimes helps the pain. (That approach could have long term consequences I might not like, of course!)

You're a pretty together person and I'd like to elevate you to a small household god, but that would be creepy and stalkerish.

Aw, *blush* thank you! Coming from you, whom I also perceive as a pretty together person, that means a lot.

*giggle* Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

Exactly. I tried to put a lot of "choice" and "personal empowerment / responsibility" -related words in the post (eg "I'm trying to do" instead of "I have to do"), indicating that I know this is something a) I mostly did to myself and b) I have the power to solve. My solution may not look like someone else's solution, but the more I am aware it is MY CHOICE the better off I'll be.

This is really smart. I noticed that.

*giggle* Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

Well, if you're a god, I'd imagine that the hours aren't really a issue. You'll have people for that.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

If I get to send a subordinate to sit and watch your altar, then you get to send one to sit and watch mine. :-)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Household god! There's a cool job. I wonder what the hours are?

I want to see the statuette. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Hours! "Houris" are different. ;-)