I have HAD IT.

[cjsmith]

I haven't relaxed since some time in October. [LJ-CUT TEXT="venting, long"]

Every night after work I'm trying to do two Pimsleur tapes and write five or more C1 square dance choreo sequences. Some nights I can't, though. It's particularly difficult on the nights when the pain is bad. It's excruciating to sit up and my concentration is shot. Even on nights when the pain is only medium, these things take a lot longer to do than it sounds like they would take. Then there are any other chores: doing dishes, scooping the litterbox, studying hiragana and katakana, writing any C2, C3A, C3B, or C4 sequences...

Last night I was stunningly productive given the pain level: reviewed one Pimsleur lesson and went through two new ones, washed half the dishes while bent over awkwardly from the pain (stopped at half because that's what fits in the drainer), wrote three C1 sequences, and made flash cards for all the hiragana and half the katakana. I didn't scoop the litterbox. I didn't finish the dishes. I didn't do the other seven C1 sequences I really ought to have done. I didn't do the math to figure out how many sequences of C2-and-up I need. (I'm sure those numbers are small, but I still need to know them soon if I'm to prepare well.)

Did I mention I just got two new assignments at work? There's no lengthening of the schedule. I'm supposed to finish those along with everything else that was on my plate, all before I leave. No slacking off at work and using the time to do choreo or Japanese!

I've had it.

I know it's gotten bad when I lie on the floor (the pain, remember) and think about how freeing it would be to know I would die in the next few weeks. Wouldn't that be wonderful news? What heaven! What bliss! That's when I know I'm not just overextended, I'm trying to stretch from here to Jupiter.

I also know it's gotten bad when I read about my husband's day in his LJ and realize that not once during the evening was it a good time for him to simply tell me about it. That doesn't happen often, but it happened last night.

Bad.

I don't even know what to cut. Work is a commitment I have made; I feel strongly about honoring it. It would be unethical to goof off knowingly while they're still paying me. (I have no vacation time.) Having good choreo for a square dance event I'm calling is a similar commitment; I'm a professional, I'm being paid to do this, I've signed a contract. Not to mention that doing poorly would be painfully embarrassing while doing well would open doors for more opportunities (for "opportunities" read "free travel"). The only thing that's not a commitment I have made is the only one I deeply enjoy: learning a language. The joy has been squeezed out quite a bit by the time pressure, but still, it's the only thing in here that's for *me*.

I do see a few lessons in all this. In hindsight, I should never have done NaNoWriMo. I was too busy to do it. I suspected as much, even! I chose to do it because it was another thing "for me". This deeply cut into my time to learn Japanese ("for me") and write choreo. Now I'm paying for that in stress. Next time I think I might be too busy to take on a project, I would do well to LISTEN TO ME about that, and not take it on.

I would also do well to study languages when I'm *not* about to leave for the country in question. My previous foundation in Japanese, minor as it was, is helping immensely now. More would have been even better.

The third lesson is something NaNoWriMo taught me this year, and I'm not yet sure how to explain it succinctly. If I need to put an enormous amount of time and effort into one project, versus having to put half that amount of time and effort into each of two projects, I will do FAR better in the first scenario. Sadly, this isn't always easy to apply. For learning a language, there's a speed beyond which I simply am not capable of going. Two Pimsleur lessons a day is about it. Same with work; my brain needs breaks or it won't come up with the new ideas that let me keep going. But I could POUND the choreo. That would remove one piece of stress, making me more effective at the rest.

Okay. I've vented, which itself has made me feel somewhat better. I've identified some things to do "next time". I've identified one thing that might help right now. *deep breath*

A goofy little smile to anyone who got this far. I'm impressed. :-)

Comments

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Not too many words of wisdom, but lots of *hugs*. I thought I hadn't relaxed since the same time and I've just been bitchy about my crappy job. :-(

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! *hugsback.* A crappy job can be such an enormous drain on a person, can't it? Particularly since you know you could do so much more, be so much more effective, and the system you're in seems to fight it at every turn. Bleah.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Yes, it can. Hopefully things are looking up on the work front, either with the leads for other employment that have been coming in or the upcoming Floor Control work I'm getting wherein they're essentially putting a whip in my hand. ;-)

Now the allergies and glasses issues are still TBD...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Excellent - hopefully work will be better soon in one way or another!

Yikes, the glasses are still TBD? STILL? Who you want me to beat up for ya, boss?

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Who you want me to beat up for ya, boss?

Taking this out of context (what else would you expect from me?), I never should have visited leather shops with you. ;-) And two particular women sitting near me on the couch as I read your comment have both volunteered. ;-)

Back in context, I hadn't heard anything on $NewGlasses(2) and called them on Wednesday. Got in a debate with the optician - she said she was about to call since they just received them. I was skeptical, and said that with their track record I didn't trust they were even a different pair than I left there over a month ago, and wanted my money back and my insurance company credited for the frames and lenses. She offered 1/2 the lens fee as a refund. I refused and was supposed to receive a call back from the "team lead". Nothing by tonight, so I just tried again. The optician I just spoke to seemed more sympathetic and said she'd give the team lead the message to call me today. So I'm waiting as we speak...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Well, better to let them do it, then -- they're at least local. (Yes, I probably misinterpreted that.) ;-)

Grr. Hope you get your money back outta that mess.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Yes, I probably misinterpreted that.

I think so, but that's okay. ;-) They were volunteering to be beaten up by you.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*blush* I guessed that but had nothing clever to say in response. :-)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Given that I'm the one who mentioned that gave me an image of you in a leather corset, with riding crop in hand, and I've never actually seen you in leather.....

;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*g*

But, see, if I were beating YOU up we'd both be making it fun. If I were beating up some twit at the glasses place I'd be making sure it was not at all fun! :-)