Some days are rough.

[cjsmith]

[LJ-CUT TEXT="whining inside"]

Objectively I should be having a good day. I got to the post office this morning, had lunch with some old friends (and handed over a T-shirt for one of 'em, thus getting the dang thing out of my car), and made a phone call to my foot doctor (I'm GIVING UP @#$!IT KILL THE NERVES). "Progress," I should be saying happily. What's more, none of my chronic pain conditions are bad right now.

But "objectively" doesn't cut it, somehow. I'm getting nothing done at work, and I feel pretty bad about that. I don't feel good about my work -- not about "my job", that part's fine -- so I get avoidant, which makes things worse. Then there's my health. I have dreams of running again some day, and though I know it shouldn't matter, those dreams are tarnished when I hear about my coworker coming back from an ultramarathon (having just beat his personal best time for 150 miles) and my sister running her first marathon. Somehow I want to ask these people "And what would you do if you had THIS body? This body that can't walk a mile? Where would everyone's cheers for you be then, huh?"

Since I'm already blue, I remember that I spent a three-day weekend basically alone, because the friends I wanted to spend time with were far away or were busy; I remember that I need a fairly annoying surgery and I don't know how to pay for it or even when to schedule it; I remember that despite a lot of effort, I still don't know how I'm going to create a financially secure retirement for myself.

I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. On days like today, that hurts a great deal.

Comments

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

I'm just coming out of a funk like that myself, hence the lateness of my finding this. But I still wanted to give you a hug!

=HUG=

I know what you mean. I feel much the same way about getting old and having nothing to show for it. My marriage has long since fallen apart (but is taking way too long to actually end), I can't work ... and I'm back where I started from. Except now my ass is somewhere around the back of my knees!

Sometimes a good whine and cheese party is called for, but I hope you're feeling better by now.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Mucho thanks for the hug!

Some days it really does seem like a life is pretty much wasted... at least *my* life. Awful, awful feeling. Does the fact you've raised woofiegrrl to be a wonderful young woman help a bit, at times like that? (I wonder 'cause I don't have children.)

I had to laugh at your ass-to-your-knees comment! I think my ass will get to Nevada before it gets to my knees. My fundament, it doth wish to expand sideways, it doth.

I'm definitely feeling better now -- thank you. And I'm glad to hear you're coming up for air yourself. Phew!