Some days are rough.

[cjsmith]

[LJ-CUT TEXT="whining inside"]

Objectively I should be having a good day. I got to the post office this morning, had lunch with some old friends (and handed over a T-shirt for one of 'em, thus getting the dang thing out of my car), and made a phone call to my foot doctor (I'm GIVING UP @#$!IT KILL THE NERVES). "Progress," I should be saying happily. What's more, none of my chronic pain conditions are bad right now.

But "objectively" doesn't cut it, somehow. I'm getting nothing done at work, and I feel pretty bad about that. I don't feel good about my work -- not about "my job", that part's fine -- so I get avoidant, which makes things worse. Then there's my health. I have dreams of running again some day, and though I know it shouldn't matter, those dreams are tarnished when I hear about my coworker coming back from an ultramarathon (having just beat his personal best time for 150 miles) and my sister running her first marathon. Somehow I want to ask these people "And what would you do if you had THIS body? This body that can't walk a mile? Where would everyone's cheers for you be then, huh?"

Since I'm already blue, I remember that I spent a three-day weekend basically alone, because the friends I wanted to spend time with were far away or were busy; I remember that I need a fairly annoying surgery and I don't know how to pay for it or even when to schedule it; I remember that despite a lot of effort, I still don't know how I'm going to create a financially secure retirement for myself.

I'm getting old and I have nothing to show for it. On days like today, that hurts a great deal.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

focus only on the things old folks do that are like things young folks typically do

I wonder how much of this is fear-based: the young fear the aging of the body, therefore they cheer for folks who don't seem much affected by it.

And I agree with you about disliking how activity and physical health have come to be associated with morality - I think that's particularly stoopid.

It's the sort of thing that might not stand up to even casual conscious questioning. Of course, seeing such an example makes me wonder what stoopid stuff *I've* got in my head that I simply haven't examined or questioned yet.

[firecat]

I'm sure it's largely fear-based. I also think that the way the culture ignores and dismisses "regular" old people (as opposed to very physically active ones) feeds that fear.

We all have lots of stoopid stuff in our heads that we haven't examined.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I also think that the way the culture ignores and dismisses "regular" old people ... feeds that fear.

Absolutely. Not many folks like the idea of being ignored and dismissed. :-/