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Something I'll call "openness", the willingness to share of oneself with others....
Somewhere deep in my psyche, I find I respect those people who are open with others unilaterally: the ones who will, for example, admit to doubts in front of a friend who would never do the same.
Granted, there are limits. The Japanese have a concept for some sort of parity -- appropriateness -- in the amount of personal disclosure. I forget the name. It means don't tell your life troubles to the bank clerk, and don't profess undying love on the first date. I understand Americans are less conscious of this, but most still follow it somewhat.
Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire. It even shows a certain amount of acceptance of the other person exactly as he is, closed and untrusting as he might be at that moment.
That's one side of me. I admire this.
Then there's the side saying "you fool, don't ever open up first, because it gives a potential weapon to a potential enemy." There is some truth in that also. There's always the chance the other person will have some need to lash out or to quietly reassure himself of his own superiority (both of which could damage the friendship). It could even be argued that the less open that person is, the less self-accepting he is likely to be, and the less self-accepting he is, the more those needs might arise!
Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.
That's a symptom. What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.
Somewhere deep in my psyche, I find I respect those people who are open with others unilaterally: the ones who will, for example, admit to doubts in front of a friend who would never do the same.
Granted, there are limits. The Japanese have a concept for some sort of parity -- appropriateness -- in the amount of personal disclosure. I forget the name. It means don't tell your life troubles to the bank clerk, and don't profess undying love on the first date. I understand Americans are less conscious of this, but most still follow it somewhat.
Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire. It even shows a certain amount of acceptance of the other person exactly as he is, closed and untrusting as he might be at that moment.
That's one side of me. I admire this.
Then there's the side saying "you fool, don't ever open up first, because it gives a potential weapon to a potential enemy." There is some truth in that also. There's always the chance the other person will have some need to lash out or to quietly reassure himself of his own superiority (both of which could damage the friendship). It could even be argued that the less open that person is, the less self-accepting he is likely to be, and the less self-accepting he is, the more those needs might arise!
Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.
That's a symptom. What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.
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That's it, that's exactly what I'm looking for. I think five years ago I wouldn't even have been able to see that what I was doing was, in fact, "putting on an act". I felt like I just wasn't telling everybody my life story all the time, that's all. Ha! No, in retrospect, that's not all. Not by a long shot. :-)
I had a few friends who totally destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to me.
Ick. I've never, thank goodness, had that experience.
I've had some friends who have destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to THEMSELVES. When they say something to me, it really is the truth as they know it, or more precisely, it's the truth as they fervently hope and wish it to be. Denial is a powerful thing. The upshot, though, is that I can't trust what I hear from such a person.
I've also had people destroy my faith in them by repeatedly failing to keep their word. There's no deliberate deception - when the word was given it was believed - but the track record and the results show I can't believe what I hear from such a person.
I've also had people destroy my faith in them by taking actions that are in direct conflict with their word. Often such a person will then blame me for not believing what he says.
These three are some of the big reasons why, if I were searching for a life partner, "self-awareness" would be very high on my list of criteria.
Getting to self acceptance is a long hard road. Sounds like you're progressing in the journey :-)
Thanks! I'm working on it. Probably the best gift I can give myself... and one of the better gifts I might be able to give to those close to me, too.