Thoughts on Openness

[cjsmith]

Something I'll call "openness", the willingness to share of oneself with others....

Somewhere deep in my psyche, I find I respect those people who are open with others unilaterally: the ones who will, for example, admit to doubts in front of a friend who would never do the same.

Granted, there are limits. The Japanese have a concept for some sort of parity -- appropriateness -- in the amount of personal disclosure. I forget the name. It means don't tell your life troubles to the bank clerk, and don't profess undying love on the first date. I understand Americans are less conscious of this, but most still follow it somewhat.

Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire. It even shows a certain amount of acceptance of the other person exactly as he is, closed and untrusting as he might be at that moment.

That's one side of me. I admire this.

Then there's the side saying "you fool, don't ever open up first, because it gives a potential weapon to a potential enemy." There is some truth in that also. There's always the chance the other person will have some need to lash out or to quietly reassure himself of his own superiority (both of which could damage the friendship). It could even be argued that the less open that person is, the less self-accepting he is likely to be, and the less self-accepting he is, the more those needs might arise!

Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.

That's a symptom. What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.

Comments

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.

I can bring that t-shirt to show you :-) I think getting to self-acceptance is what finally helped me be honest and open. I stopped feeling like I had to put on an act and could just be me, and that includes being open and honest. I used to be a world-class liar, by direct lie and ommission, and never really opened up. That has changed so much in the last 10 years or so (and yes, it took a long time for me to feel secure enough to be able to do it).

I've been reading your last couple of posts with great interest. I had a few friends who totally destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to me. This was back around the high school years (back in the stone age ;-) At first, I figured it was something I did wrong, that I wasn't worth the truth. Now, those relationships are why I will not tolerate anyone lying to me our about me. BTDT, don't ever want that t-shirt again. I will end friendships at the drop of a hat if someone is being less than truthful with me (and I know everyone has their own perspective on truth, I mean more intentionally lying or omitting). And why the worst thing anyone can accuse me of is lying.

Getting to self acceptance is a long hard road. Sounds like you're progressing in the journey :-)

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I wish you very well, if that's what you want. But remember, a lack of openness doesn't necessarily mean a lack of self-acceptance. There are those of us who have found a huge measure of self-acceptance and still remain closed. Not dishonest - that's a different animal. Just closed. Perhaps the difference is that being closed becomes a choice rather than an imperative?

[firecat]

Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire.

Hm. I see your general point, but my mileage varies on the specifics: I don't see a lot of correlation, positive or negative, between people who discuss their negative feelings ("innermost doubts") a lot and people who seem comfortable with themselves - although it makes sense that they'd be connected for some people.

They're not all that connected for me because self-acceptance for me is deeply entwined with acceptance in general. And when I'm in an acceptance frame of mind, I don't really have doubts, and I don't perceive myself as deeply "layered" with an "inner" and an "outer" part.

(Needless to say, this is not a permanent condition! It's something that I get to at times.)

[redgrrl.livejournal.com]

Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.

You can practice on me if you like. :) I really don't have friends with whom I'm very open. I mean, I share some aspects of my life with them, but very few of my deepest feelings.

Yet, it's not a lack of self-acceptance. Some of it stems from some very bad experiences with people I couldn't trust. I also moved around a lot growing up, so I never really had the experience of sustaining a lifelong (or at least long term) friendship. My sister and brother were my best friends (and worst enemies, at times).

Hmmm...I need to go post on this in my own journal, so I'm not taking over yours! :) Thanks for making me think, CJ -- you are really cool and awesome that way.

A fellow traveller :),
-Wen

[msmichelle.livejournal.com]

Hi, CJ-
I just want to say that, in general, your post rang so true to me. I meet a lot of people through work and constantly notice the "self acceptance" dynamic that you illustrated. I had a couple incidents yesterday. Thanks for putting it to words. I'll add that I think self acceptance is the key to accepting the differences among people in our dynamic societies. At times, insecurities are at the root of the conflict we see.
Just so you know, you can always be open w/me. I know we may come from different perspectives on different topics at times but that is what makes conversation great, as you point out, being honest.