Everyone has a limit, and I have reached mine.

[cjsmith]

On my worst days, Vicodin feels like evidence that God doesn't actually hate me. Well, today even that's not enough.

I. Have. Had. It.

This life is not worth living. Not if there are any alternatives. I am calling the doctor TODAY and making an appointment to discuss fixing this, whatever it takes. Whether diagnosing the problem means several rounds of blood tests, or hormone balance panels, or exploratory surgery to rule out endometriosis, I'll do it. If fixing it means surgery to take all the relevant parts out, I'll sign the consent form. FIX IT. And in the meantime, I will bluntly inform my doctor that I WILL "misuse" my pills to avoid periods for the next couple of months while we start figuring this out. If he doesn't want to give me the kind of prescription that's meant to do that, I'll cobble something together on my own, thanks. I will no longer be at his mercy.

And if there isn't any fix, I want the best painkillers money can buy, regardless of what they will do to my body long-term. I no longer care. I have had enough.

[Later Edit: My appointment is the day after tomorrow.]

Comments

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

ceej, i'm so glad you're doing something about this!!! no one should have to suffer like this!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah. No one should have to, but some people do... there are lots of very painful things that can't be fixed (yet). If I had THIS MUCH pain every day, instead of one week out of four, I would probably have chosen to die by now. I know someone who did. (Migraines. Fifty-plus years. She'd had enough.) It's too bad, but what other choices are there?

So I'm seeing if I have better choices. It's foolish not to exhaust all possibilities.