Openness vs Honesty

I've realized lately that when I say "honesty", as in a good trait I would want myself and my close friends to have, I don't mean just one thing. I mean a lot of things.

1. Something that seems to be pretty close to the word "integrity". This means that if I say stealing is bad, I don't steal; when I say that work is my highest priority right now, I also ACT as if work is my highest priority. This requires...
- 1a. Knowing myself. A tough goal, probably never completely achievable, but progress on it is certainly possible. The more I know myself, the more I'll be aware of my internal conflicts, my ever-shifting needs, my hopes and fears and dreams. I'll make more accurate statements. Then others can better trust what I say.

Being "honest with myself" (another phrase I use with high respect) has elements of this.

2. Something I'll call "openness", the willingness to share of oneself with others. Openness means less bluster: if I'm 75% sure of something, presenting it as a certainty is hiding information. (Respect for openness in this regard can be a handicap in certain work environments.) Openness also means not hiding the fact that I'm bothered by something in a friendship, even if I fear the explanation might be difficult for me or might trigger painful feelings for the other person. I find this a continual challenge. It can be scary. However, I find I place little value on a friendship where there is little openness. It's less real, to me.

3. Keeping one's word. If I say I'll do something, I do it, or find a way to renegotiate in a manner that's okay with the other party(ies). This can be as small as showing up on time or as large as honoring the oath of military service. Interestingly enough, I find the renegotiation concept to be integral here. Circumstances change, making the meaning and repercussions of an agreement different as time goes on. Sometimes that change means that both parties would rather make a new agreement... anywhere from "it's raining, so let's not run" all the way to "divorce is probably best". Obviously, some things cannot truly be renegotiated (military oaths, procreation); equally obviously, the bigger the issue at hand, the less respect I have for someone breaking his word without that negotiation and discussion.

4. Not deliberately telling a falsehood. The most self-proclaimed "honest" people I know make a big distinction between this and hiding information in a misleading way. I don't make as big a distinction (to me, misleading is misleading) but if I have to pick one element here to use for the word "honest" this would be it.

Now that I've thought about this, I can better explain what I value, and I can better understand why some "honest" people are at once unarguably honest and completely untrustworthy.

Thoughts on Openness

Something I'll call "openness", the willingness to share of oneself with others....

Somewhere deep in my psyche, I find I respect those people who are open with others unilaterally: the ones who will, for example, admit to doubts in front of a friend who would never do the same.

Granted, there are limits. The Japanese have a concept for some sort of parity -- appropriateness -- in the amount of personal disclosure. I forget the name. It means don't tell your life troubles to the bank clerk, and don't profess undying love on the first date. I understand Americans are less conscious of this, but most still follow it somewhat.

Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire. It even shows a certain amount of acceptance of the other person exactly as he is, closed and untrusting as he might be at that moment.

That's one side of me. I admire this.

Then there's the side saying "you fool, don't ever open up first, because it gives a potential weapon to a potential enemy." There is some truth in that also. There's always the chance the other person will have some need to lash out or to quietly reassure himself of his own superiority (both of which could damage the friendship). It could even be argued that the less open that person is, the less self-accepting he is likely to be, and the less self-accepting he is, the more those needs might arise!

Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.

That's a symptom. What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.

Tick tick tick

72 hours from now I'll be under general anaesthesia.

( medical schtuff )

Musings on openness

Much of my previous musings on openness were, though I didn't explicitly state this, things I thought about in the context of a close friendship.

Realizing how I was thinking about it, I now know (consciously and explicitly) something I value in a friendship.

Cool.

I like thinking about stuff. I like writing on LJ, having people respond, and then REthinking stuff.

Life is good.

And now, for something completely different... TIME FOR FOOD!