Fear

[cjsmith]

Today I am facing my fear that the surgery won't help.

It might do very little. Of the problems visible with MRI, only one will be corrected by surgery.

The way I face fear is by making plans. If the surgery doesn't help I will, in this order:

1. Ice a lot. Continue this while trying other steps.
2. Try a heavy dose of anti-inflammatories for a brief period to see what happens.
3. Ask Dr. O about causes/recommendations for the tendon and ligament problems (actual question probably asked earlier, at surgery time). Try injected corticosteroid if offered. Try physical therapy tailored to this problem if offered.
4. Try acupuncture.
5. Stop the ice and try prolotherapy.
6. Go to a pain clinic. This step is the end of the line for me, so the next step is...
7. Accept the problem as permanent and learn to love being a physically inactive person.

Comments

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I'm still crossing my fingers the surgery will correct what it can. If not, at least you've got those plans laid out, and they make sense. :-/

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it'll correct what it can. I'm crossing my fingers that that's a LOT. We'll see!

Gah, if I'm this nervous now, I can only imagine what state I'll be in on knife day. ("Doctor, this patient has a heart rate of 160. AFTER anaesthesia.")

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I remember being pretty nervous before my first hernia surgery in 1992, and that was nothing.

Mailbox, etc. open 24/7 if you need to vent, bitch, gripe, need hugs, whatever between now and (even after) then.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you muchly. I've been nervous before other surgeries, and those I firmly expected to be successful!

[dawnd.livejournal.com]

Facing the fear with plans is an excellent strategy. It helps to reduce the fear from HUGE FORMLESS SCARY THING to something manageable. Good for you, and good luck.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm compulsive about making lists, and in a facing-fear scenario it has definite benefits. Thanks!

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

i know those lists well. i pretty much moved right to #7, and live there most of the year.

*hugs* if you want 'em. or should we just start doing shots instead?

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I hear ya. #7 isn't my preferred outcome, but from here (in limbo) it looks surprisingly good. If that's where I get I'll find a way to deal with it.

Shots!! 8-)

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

body shots, to be precise. 'cause you don't really need to stand to do those. *wink*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*chuckle*

Let's do those before surgery then, shall we? 'Cause I don't have the foggiest notion how I can shower after.

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

That's what friends are for, m'dear. :D

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*grin*

Seriously, I don't know if I will be able to stand up for long without crutches, I don't know how long I will be able to tolerate not elevating both feet, and I also don't know if I will need to keep the dressings dry. All at once could make for a very difficult shower or bath. Sponge baths might be in order for a few days. I hope I don't have to go too long with those, though!

[just-cyd.livejournal.com]

plastic bags and tape/rubber bands will cover your bandages, and i'll loan you my shower stool so you don't have to be on your feet to bathe. i've not actually used it, but i've stumbled enough in the shower recently that i think it's time to haul it in from the garage and clean it up.

a thought: when my mom had her foot surgery (bunions), she found that a walker was much easier and less wobbly than crutches. she was able to borrow one, and it already had a handy bag attached for stashing things as she moved around (like the cordless phone). i know you have the wheelchair, but for around the house and kitties, it might be a better method of making yourself mobile.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the advice! I haven't had much luck with plastic bags in the past, but I may wind up trying it again this time due to lack of options. And I'll ask about borrowing a walker! It would be especially great to have both that and crutches, so I could use whatever worked best on a given day.

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

You might be able to freecycle a walker. But you might need one on wheels because your problem won't be balance, but keeping weight off your feet.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Right, it would have to be the kind with wheels. I was incredibly lucky to score the wheelchair through Freecycle!

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

How are you doing lately?

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

I understand, and list making is a 'thing' for me, too.

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

*nod*. Yeah, call me obsessive-compulsive, or a control freak, or something... lists are part of who I am.

*hugsback*, w/ thanks.

[kimatha.livejournal.com]

I too find listmaking therapeutic.

I hope that after you heal from your surgery, you will have to toss this list in the trash because it has become totally and completely irrelevant.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hope so too! If it comes out that well maybe I'll print the list and burn it and laugh while it is consumed by the flames.

[vito-excalibur.livejournal.com]

What everybody else said. All good hopes. Definitely think coming up with plans is an excellent way to cope with fear.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks. And as portia reminds me, I'm *also* hugely looking forward to the surgery, 'cause it might help a lot!

[portia.livejournal.com]

sorry to see you are struggling with this. i'd be looking forward to it! you -could- be free from pain once it's over with! that's a good thing!

i've thought of trying #4 for my headaches but haven't quite gotten the nerve to try it yet. maybe after we move away from hicksville... and #5 sounds interesting as long as they've really stopped using the red hot pokers!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh, I *am* looking forward to it! That's the other half of my antsy nervousness -- I want it DONE! :-) This coexists only sort-of-peacefully with the part of me that's scared of the outcome.

I bet #5 hurts like fuck. (If all the pain is from inflammation *now*...) But if I knew it would work, that wouldn't stop me.

[portia.livejournal.com]

it's good that you still have all kinds of other options you are willing to try, but i'm hoping that surgery fixes you up right up!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :)

[erisian-fields.livejournal.com]

I'm wishing/hoping/intending the best outcome for you and lots of happy dancing and running (once you heal, of course).

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh, that sounds *wonderful*. Thank you.

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

What can I add but "hope for the best!"

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Good vibes/wishes/thoughts/prayers gratefully accepted!

[butterfly-smile.livejournal.com]

~~~HUGS~~~~~

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I tend to allow and plan for every possibility, myself. It helps me stay calmer in most situations. It sounds like this is a very similar habit.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

This is what I do when I'm not running away from the fear. Running away (denying it) only works for so long, and then I get to this phase.

[sharya.livejournal.com]

The injected corticosteroid has worked wonders for many of my friends with pain management problems, so hopefully it will work for you as well.

*hugs*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! The first couple of corticosteroid injections, last year, helped only temporarily. But back then we didn't know where the damage was. Perhaps a new one in a more accurate spot would be better!

[abenn.livejournal.com]

You're in my thoughts and prayers already, and I shall certainly keep that up.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I am grateful -- thank you!

[dieppe.livejournal.com]

*HUG* Good luck and I hope it works out however it works out! :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

list making, other options

[moriamerri.livejournal.com]

I didn't mention it before, but list making is totally normal to me also. Not weird, a normal and useful strategy. I just read this list, and it is especially good. #7 is great, although if it were my list it would be amended to include "while looking for / evaluating other options". (Yes, someday I get too tired to do that, but hopefully that day is just prior to death. For me. Not because I can't love life some limited way, but because I am hopeful for new things.) I haven't read enough about your feet issues to say anything "informed" here, but I suspect trying ozonated oil or ozone gas with the application method called "bagging" would be a good thing to add to your list. Do NOT expect any of your doctors to be informed about this. I didn't mention it sooner because you sounded on a clear path for surgery. Again, ask for info if you want, I can talk about this for a loooooong time too.

Re: list making, other options

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

More info on the ozone thing is welcome. The surgery will only fix one problem -- it is a known problem and will definitely be fixed, but it may be only a small portion of the trouble -- so the rest will likely still need some work.

p.s. #4 acupunture

[moriamerri.livejournal.com]

I have an acupunturist who I greatly love, near downtown Palo Alto. Ask if you'd like her phone number. I've not had her treat anything like your pain stuff so no recommendation there, but she is wonderful personally (attitude wise, about everything), and is a great herbalist. You're welcome to ask anything else you want to know.

Re: p.s. #4 acupunture

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you - yes, I'll take her contact info, please! Few people seem to have acupuncturists they love, at least in the South Bay. Palo Alto's a little far for regular appointments but it's worth a try.

ozone and acupunture

[moriamerri.livejournal.com]

Replying to both ozone and acupunture:

Here are some preliminary comments on ozone (written by me).
This first one starts from where I assume you are (no idea,
or maybe heard of it slightly):
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Autism-Mercury/message/145621
This one is a little sideways, but does give some context
a little bit, about ozone:
http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Autism-Mercury/message/145687
Then this one, written by Michele, has a very nice
explaination of ozone, actuallyhttp://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/Autism-Mercury/message/145768
Now, none of these are terribly comprehensive, but they
are recent and thus easy for me to find. (Oh, and those
links will "work" you don't need to "join".)
I do suggest reading the book I mentioned there. I actually
have videos I could loan you too, and there are many other
websites, books, blah blah blah, and some lists about ozone
as well. Ozonated oil (not quite as effective as ozone gas)
is cheap and portable, so you could try it for a while.
Ozone (the gas) is more effective but much more complex to
obtain and much pricier to try (if you want to come to my
house a few times a week and use my machine, we can discuss
that.)

Another way would be to look a lot more at the various
diagnoses you have and try to find info on whether ozone
is likely to help (which I don't know right off the bat).

Also talking (by phone or in person, or even IM) might
be a bit more productive than this is as a way to transfer
information in a way that is useful.

Acupunturist: Dea Burmeister 650-328-7909, please say I
sent you. (For other readers who don't know me, please
say Moria sent you.) BTW, she is not particularly looking
for business (she has plenty) but will take new people.
Suggest calling BEFORE you want the appt if possible--
I generally book at least a month out, as her calendar
gets full and I prefer having a choice of times. She's
at 541 Cowper Street, in the building that says it is a
yoga studio (which it is) (there are offices in there too);
1/2 block south of Hamilton. Again, ask anything you
want to know.

Re: ozone and acupunture

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks for taking the time to put together this explanation!

I looked at the links (haven't, obviously, read the book at this point) and it seems that the chief benefit of ozone therapy would be to take out bacteria, viruses, and various bodily toxins. I'll check with my doctor about just what kind of damage I have to those tendons and ligaments. I'm pretty sure there's no infection going on. The structures are "thickened", and that could mean inflammation, edema, scar tissue, probably other things I haven't thought of myself... who knows what. I have the MRI images but I'm not trained to read them.

Thank you for the acupuncture recommendation! It's the first one I've ever gotten. She'll be the first person I want to check out.

Re: ozone and acupunture

[moriamerri.livejournal.com]

I had to think about what you said here about ozone (and what I had said that you read) and take time to wonder how close-to-correct or far-from-correct it is to categorically summarize it as useful for viruses/bacteria/toxins. Clearly it IS useful for all those, and I DO think of it that way exactly, and I do think that is A LOT OF what it does. Yet I think this is incomplete for a couple of different reasons.
a. I think there are some (other) known biological reactions to ozone in the body that I'm less familiar with (or at least less articulate about)
b. "just" getting rid of viruses/bacteria/toxins probably results in some things getting helped that we would not "expect". I'm not claiming I know the exact interactions, but cancer and back disc problems can/often-are helped by ozone, which might not exactly seem obvious from the prior comments.
One of the "problems" for me of knowing (some) about ozone (and this also applies to other way-out stuff I know about) is that I'm often not sure what it is "good for" exactly (and to what degree). Few instance, here are A FEW of the conditions that the European-based medical society for ozone says that they use (or recommend?) ozone for: acne, arthritis, asthma, cancers, constipation, glaucoma, scars after radiation, senile dementia, ulcers..... (The list I'm copying from is fairly old, as I'm copying from a book. I picked a small % of the things listed. No doubt a newer list is online somewhere.)
I don't usually suggest therapies "randomly", I generally do it because something tickles some particular data or reasoning. (Oh, I could go on here....) I think (not sure) in your case it was more the "end of the line" idea. That is, a motivated person (which you obviously are) may want to consider ozone (and actually lots of other things, I meant it also as an example) before giving up forever. Also, for a motivated person there are a lot of options, and some things work PARTIALLY or IF APPLIED CONSISTENTLY. Which is good for motivated people but not much interest otherwise.
(Oops, just looked at the clock, gotta go.)
Best, Moria