The Sanity Report

[cjsmith]

I am in a much better mood than yesterday. Just the fact that my podiatrist might consider surgery makes me incredibly happy.

Whether or not I actually undergo surgery depends on what the MRI shows, of course, and I don't yet have an appointment for that. The imaging center is supposed to phone me to set it up. Plus there's always the possibility that I have surgery and it doesn't help. It's sensible to keep that in mind. But there's also the possibility that I have surgery and it *does* help. There's hope. For the first time in many months, there is hope.

I've almost forgotten what a good mood was like. I am just starting to imagine how good life will be if this surgery happens and works. Because of the good mood I'm also thinking of other things I could do, little stuff like get the car washed... yesterday it wasn't worth putting forth the effort for something like that. I didn't even think about things like that. So much was impossible that I wasn't seeing the stuff that was possible.

I'm not sure I knew how unhappy I was. As I said in IM this morning, that's silly in a way -- I was miserable and angry and miserable and frustrated and miserable, not to mention in pain, and I knew it. But now that there's hope, I know it was worse than I'd thought. Way worse. Scarily worse. Maybe it's a blessing that I couldn't see how bad it was when I was in the middle of it.

If I have surgery and it works, I am going to go to the mall to celebrate. (Yeah, those of you who know me, you can stop snickering now. I still hate shopping, hate crowds, and hate orbiting for parking. But if I get better I am going to walk from one end of the mall to the other end because I CAN.) I am going to get vitamins (one end) and maybe order up some new eyeglasses (other end) and buy some chocolates (middle, second floor). I am going to play with the goodies in Sharper Image (near one end) and Brookstone (near the other). All in one trip. Not because I want to or need to but in joyous celebration of the fact that I can.

Already the euphoria is fading down to a saner level, and that's good, 'cause I have a job to do. But man, this is such a potentially big deal. I might be able-bodied again. Or, heck, I might not be, but for certain rather than "maybe" and "we're not sure". Because no one would admit the problem was permanent I never truly learned to deal with not being very mobile; I've been in limbo. Whatever the MRI shows I'll be out of limbo. And if it shows what the doctor half-expects, maybe I'll run again some day.

Hope this works.

Comments

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

i really hope that this gives you the way!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

It's incredible how good it feels just to think that it *might*.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I am just starting to imagine how good life will be if this surgery happens and works.

Yay!!!!! *crosses fingers and toes for you*

if I get better I am going to walk from one end of the mall to the other end because I CAN

Which mall? Great Mall of the Bay Area in Milpitas? :-)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

That doesn't have a second level.

I'm gessing the mall by the Winchester Mystery House, myself ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ayep, that one. It has a Godiva AND a See's! :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Nah, the one I go to most often (maybe two or three times a year), Valley Fair. As Toni says, it's the one by Winchester Mystery House. It has TWO chocolate stores in it. :-) :-)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I've been in Valley Fair twice, I think. Don't remember two chocolate stores, but the last time was several years ago - the mall could have changed and/or I just don't remember. You'd think two chocolate stores would stick in my brain. :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

The mall has changed enormously. That said, the two chocolate stores have been in the original backbone since I remember. Easy to miss one or two things in a mall, though!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Easy to miss one or two things in a mall, though!

But... but... it's chocolate! :-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Indeed, your transgression is more significant than it first appeared. As penance, the next truffle you eat must first be used to thwack the back of your hand. This shall be your reminder never again to overlook chocolate.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Thank you, ma'am, may I have another.

It'd be more authoritative were you giving that order in appropriate attire... something purple, maybe? ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Or something chocolate.

(Hmm, odd how chocolate is a topping but wearing chocolate is decidedly not toppish.)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I dunno, it could be I suppose. I can see potential. YKIOK. ;-)

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

An answer would be a good thing in so many ways!!

Yay for forward motion and hope!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yay indeed! I'm now very impatient for that MRI place to call me.

[pixiecrinkle.livejournal.com]

Good news!

An odd suggestion, but I just read this book called "All In my Head" by Paula Kamen, and you might be interested in it. It's about the author's journey dealing with chronic daily headaches, but she has a lot of good things to say about dealing with indeterminate medical stuff that might translate.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I have read the Salon.com article wherein she was interviewed. I soooooooooo want that book. I think I'll get off my duff and order it already. She has quite the sense of humor, and she tried a heck of a lot of things, and in many ways her approach is what I would hope I'd take.

[hitchhiker.livejournal.com]

*hopes*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

thanks! 8-)

[hnybny.livejournal.com]

Great news!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! I'm pretty excited to get this MRI (soon I hope).

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

*fingiescrossed*

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you! :-)

[tsjafo.livejournal.com]

Good Luck!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! MRI tomorrow morning (one foot) and Friday morning (the other).

[kineticphoenix.livejournal.com]

Oh, I hope that there will be some way for your prognosis to improve! I've been reading you thoroughly, though I might not always have something to say. Being able to walk pain-free for long distances is an absolute miracle, and I hope it's one you get to experience.

I am so pulling for you, hon.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! Any and all positive energy accepted. I so want to be able-bodied again.

[kineticphoenix.livejournal.com]

I so want to be able-bodied again.

Oh, do I ever grok that! May it be so.

[annina-writes.livejournal.com]

May you finally get relief from your pain, and run again. [praying for ya]

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you very much. I am wishing you the best, too, and I'm hoping that there's some way that long path you're on (toward better mobility) can be made a little shorter and easier.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I'm very happy for you, CJ. Hope is an amazing thing, and I'm not at all surprised to find that it's put your life in better perspective. So... well, I've got nothing really deep to say. I just wanted you to know I'm happy for you. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks! :)