I'm getting worse

[cjsmith]

I wrote about asking for wheelchair assistance in airports. I said it felt weird because I'd never done it before. I thought briefly of saying "Looking back over the last eighteen months, I probably should have." But I thought a little and I realize that's not necessarily true. Looking back over the last eighteen months, I've definitely had times when I've been better than I am today. When I went to Japan I walked a LOT. I could walk a lot. It hurt, of course; it hurt big bunches; I was never not in pain. But there's absolutely no way I could do that much walking today -- not multiple days in a row. I could, and did, back in January.

I'm getting worse. This is not good. This is very scary.

One other reason it felt weird is because I'm calling for wheelchair assistance for flying to and from a square dance convention. What's wrong with this picture? Heh! Of course, just because I'm going to the convention doesn't mean I'm able to dance much -- I'm not, not by a long shot -- and I'd like to conserve every shard of mobility for times when I *can't* get help. This, too, shows how I'm deteriorating. At other dances in the past I have only thought about whether I could take enough breaks. For this one I'm not even considering attempting to show up at every session. One session, with breaks between tips and maybe sitting some out, is my limit for a day. I don't even know if I can do that much two days in a row.

I envy people with broken legs because they heal. I envy people with conditions that are hideously uncomfortable but curable. I envy people with incurable things that don't affect fundamental stuff like standing up. I've long since quit envying healthy people. They're not even in my universe any more.

Comments

[irascignavojo.livejournal.com]

You're in our thoughts - and, as promised in another post, now in my prayers.

Curable or bearable - at least one fo the two should be your lot.

As for inferiority of healthy people (what exactly is that) it probably exists, in my case at least. While I might not complain about some migraine or my petty allergies that are growing in number, I can not stand (and do not react well to) real pain. Kudos to you.

Hugs in person one day? Sure, whenever you want or can come.
Iras

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you for your prayers.

I don't really believe in the inferiority of healthy people. That's my frustration talking. What I meant is that people who don't have a particular problem sometimes find it easy to be judgmental when they don't know what it's like to have the problem. But I don't think healthy people are any more or less judgmental than sick or disabled or pain-filled people. I need to remember that.

I have never had a migraine myself but the descriptions seem to me like they are very much "real pain"! I would be frightened of getting migraines.

Hugs back -- in person one day! :-)