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At my last job, I initially had great enthusiasm. I worked hard and I worked long hours. I believe I made some really good contributions.
I got mediocre credit. I watched others be lionized for fixing problems they themselves had caused. I watched as bluster and bravado were honored.
So I stopped trying. During the last year I was mediocre. Things were in balance again, at least, I suppose. But the damage was done. During the last six months I wasn't even mediocre.
What I have just realized about myself is how I feel about that. I respect it.
Granted, I could have done better, too. Leaving earlier would have been more in line with my personal values. Drawing a salary when I'm not doing my best is not something that makes me happy. I believe that if I remove myself from a job that doesn't suit me, everyone benefits: me, my erstwhile employer, and the teammates I leave behind. Next time, I'll have learned from last time, and perhaps I'll know better. But that doesn't change the fact that there are good things about what I did.
I am glad I didn't give honor to values I didn't respect. I didn't play the game just to get ahead. I had thought of a few things I could do along those lines, and each of them was sufficiently abhorrent to me that I rejected it. I kept hoping I would find ways that were bearable. Now I think perhaps it came out better this way. Ultimately, I would have been unhappy had I been "acting" to fit a model I disliked. (Not to mention propping it up by my contributions!)
I also respect that I didn't wear myself out playing my way, eternally wondering why I didn't do well while following rules that weren't actually in force. I saw why that wouldn't work. I found my limits. I kept faith with myself, albeit with actions that were perhaps a bit too slow, and despite a deeply-programmed desire to "help" and "do well" and "get approval" I recognized that those alone weren't the best approach. Know what? I don't give away cheap liquor to addicts, either. And I'm okay with that.
Next time I will recognize the situation more quickly. Perhaps that makes me a bit cynical. On the other hand, I will struggle to the utmost to give each new job my best. That's where I have to guard against cynicism. Each new job is a new situation, and I'd like to set aside old experiences and do the best work I can do. After all, many of them will probably deserve it.
I got mediocre credit. I watched others be lionized for fixing problems they themselves had caused. I watched as bluster and bravado were honored.
So I stopped trying. During the last year I was mediocre. Things were in balance again, at least, I suppose. But the damage was done. During the last six months I wasn't even mediocre.
What I have just realized about myself is how I feel about that. I respect it.
Granted, I could have done better, too. Leaving earlier would have been more in line with my personal values. Drawing a salary when I'm not doing my best is not something that makes me happy. I believe that if I remove myself from a job that doesn't suit me, everyone benefits: me, my erstwhile employer, and the teammates I leave behind. Next time, I'll have learned from last time, and perhaps I'll know better. But that doesn't change the fact that there are good things about what I did.
I am glad I didn't give honor to values I didn't respect. I didn't play the game just to get ahead. I had thought of a few things I could do along those lines, and each of them was sufficiently abhorrent to me that I rejected it. I kept hoping I would find ways that were bearable. Now I think perhaps it came out better this way. Ultimately, I would have been unhappy had I been "acting" to fit a model I disliked. (Not to mention propping it up by my contributions!)
I also respect that I didn't wear myself out playing my way, eternally wondering why I didn't do well while following rules that weren't actually in force. I saw why that wouldn't work. I found my limits. I kept faith with myself, albeit with actions that were perhaps a bit too slow, and despite a deeply-programmed desire to "help" and "do well" and "get approval" I recognized that those alone weren't the best approach. Know what? I don't give away cheap liquor to addicts, either. And I'm okay with that.
Next time I will recognize the situation more quickly. Perhaps that makes me a bit cynical. On the other hand, I will struggle to the utmost to give each new job my best. That's where I have to guard against cynicism. Each new job is a new situation, and I'd like to set aside old experiences and do the best work I can do. After all, many of them will probably deserve it.
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Good point -- you can't just "get out" here; crafting the situation to suit you is much more important in this instance.
Parts of it don't suit me, and I need to figure out a way to make it work better, so I can return to giving my best to the parts I end up keeping. I am not a failure for declaring "this doesn't work for me" in THIS "job," anymore than I was a failure for saying the same thing in previous instances.
Exactly. The only way you'd be a failure is if you knowingly gave up on being there for her. You're not; you're doing what you can in order that you WILL be there for her.
Not that it's necessarily easy. I wish you luck.
Zeitgeist
More to the point, I applaud your insight and willingness to look at your values. It's so cool that you've found out these things about yourself, and I think there's nothing wrong in sticking by your values in a new job.
Re: Zeitgeist
Then there's the literal meaning. Interestingly enough, the work I did at this past job was thrown away... or at least it is hovering two inches above the rim of the trash can. If it lands in there, I won't cry. There was no other choice about that, really. But the culture that was honored... ignoring anyone who's soft-spoken or reliable or who doesn't fight much or who admits to uncertainty in the face of insufficient data... there WAS choice about that. So that's what peeves me.
I agree, this theme runs deep in the current zeitgeist.
More to the point, I applaud your insight and willingness to look at your values. It's so cool that you've found out these things about yourself, and I think there's nothing wrong in sticking by your values in a new job.
Wow, thanks! :-) I sure hope it doesn't mean not eating. A collision between values and not eating isn't fun.