Signaling

[cjsmith]

This morning I was thinking we need a way to signal straight.

Let's say I'm wanting to flirt with a chick. Let's say I don't know whether she's straight or not, and she doesn't know whether I am either. And it's way too early in this tentative teeny tiny flirtation here for the soul-searing horror of having to BRING IT UP IN CONVERSATION. That might let her know what I'm thinkin', see, and that's scary.

So I can signal not-straight. I can wear rainbow stuff, or triangles (how outdated!), or a number of other things. Some have the added advantage that few non-queer-friendly folk get the message. It's like a secret code. And with every single one of 'em I can deny that I made a point of sending the message at all. Oh, no, I always wear my Michfest T-shirt on odd-numbered Tuesdays.

If I'm in luck, and she's not only not-straight but might be interested, my hypothetical cute gal can signal back. But she doesn't have any code she can send back, subtly, without loss of face on either side, to say she's straight. She can oh-so-casually mention a current or previous boyfriend, but that's awkward -- it commits the sin of bringing the subject closer to ACTUAL CONVERSATION, which as noted before is verboten this early in the game. Plus it does not successfully signal not-bi.

I suggest pinstripes.

Comments

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I have no idea. I think I've been more often in the position of needing people to do a better job of signalling "not straight". But if this catches on, let me know.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Here I was all set to say, "CJ, meet T_S," forgetting you had. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Just once, but yeah. joedecker's birthday party a few weeks ago.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

I did have the idea for my post before I saw hers, just so you know.

and yeah, we met at joedecker's

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I thought it was nifty that we were both thinking about all the odd and so often indirect communication that happens around flirting. It's a subject that just keeps coming up, because one person's solution often doesn't work for the next person.

[tenacious-snail.livejournal.com]

yeah...it really is the indirect stuff that is hard.

Right now, I'm not interested in dating or sex with anyone new, which makes some parts easier and some parts harder. I mean, I don't have to worry that I'm going to blow something. But it presents its own challenges. And it is also true that if there is someone I might be interested in later, I want to preserve that option, or at least not torpedo it. At the same time, I think it can be a risky game to build a friendship with someone that you've acknowledged a desire to date...at least if the "what is a date" is too much of a slippery slope.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

it really is the indirect stuff that is hard.

Amen.

at least if the "what is a date" is too much of a slippery slope.

Oh, definitely. Getting that one wrong -- where "wrong" means you and the other person came up with different answers -- can be a tin-plated bitch.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

Getting that one wrong -- where "wrong" means you and the other person came up with different answers -- can be a tin-plated bitch.

I've spent way too much time mopping up those messes.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

No kidding. Plus the messes about whether a date is to get to know you or whether it's to know you carnally. Very different things. I hate it when my answer doesn't match up with the other person's.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I've been hit so hard in the head with that a couple of times, both upsetting someone when asked what kind of expectations went along with a date, and having people get upset with me because they thought my actions indicated dating interest when I was just being friendly. I can rarely spot an indirect flirt, I like verbal flirting in both directions -- and yet, I'm really bad at it.

That might be because I'm fairly conflicted about my own availability and desirability, though.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

having people get upset with me because they thought my actions indicated dating interest when I was just being friendly

Yeah, I used to get this all the @#$!ing time. It happens far less now. I think either I started hanging out with people who don't assume that the world is their wankfantasy, or else I've been scared outta being friendly entirely, or... something. Maybe it's just wearing the wedding band. That scares off the would-be property owners, anyway.

I too am fairly bad at verbal flirting. And when I feel physically safe enough, I'm way TOO good at physical flirting -- again giving a message I didn't (yet?) intend to give. Ah well. I sometimes have the feeling that everyone else figures this out in their teens!

[lcohen]

if it's reassuring at all, you still present as friendly.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yay, thank you! :-) I like "friendly".

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, in real life I'm so incredibly slow about flirting and such that by the time I know whether I'm interested, I've figured out the other person's sexual orientation and some history and common interests and probably her shoe size as well. And by that time she's moved to Toronto or something.

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I like to know someone pretty damned well before we get to "real flirting," so I usually have all that info too. Whether they've moved to Toronto or not (how many times would you have to land for refueling, anyhow?) I'm generally frozen at that point. I'm 41 going on 14. I'm a basic lesbian sheep.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Ditto on all of that. (Twice, I think - I'd have to ask rfrench, assuming you mean in his plane.)

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

*Sigh* Mine moved to Portland...

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

This is a totally hypothetical example, so nobody I have in mind actually moved to Toronto or anything. I just made up Toronto. But I hear ya. :-(