cjsmith | Thoughts on Openness

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Thoughts on Openness

Something I'll call "openness", the willingness to share of oneself with others....

Somewhere deep in my psyche, I find I respect those people who are open with others unilaterally: the ones who will, for example, admit to doubts in front of a friend who would never do the same.

Granted, there are limits. The Japanese have a concept for some sort of parity -- appropriateness -- in the amount of personal disclosure. I forget the name. It means don't tell your life troubles to the bank clerk, and don't profess undying love on the first date. I understand Americans are less conscious of this, but most still follow it somewhat.

Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire. It even shows a certain amount of acceptance of the other person exactly as he is, closed and untrusting as he might be at that moment.

That's one side of me. I admire this.

Then there's the side saying "you fool, don't ever open up first, because it gives a potential weapon to a potential enemy." There is some truth in that also. There's always the chance the other person will have some need to lash out or to quietly reassure himself of his own superiority (both of which could damage the friendship). It could even be argued that the less open that person is, the less self-accepting he is likely to be, and the less self-accepting he is, the more those needs might arise!

Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.

That's a symptom. What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.

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What it requires is what I'm really searching for: self-acceptance.

I can bring that t-shirt to show you :-) I think getting to self-acceptance is what finally helped me be honest and open. I stopped feeling like I had to put on an act and could just be me, and that includes being open and honest. I used to be a world-class liar, by direct lie and ommission, and never really opened up. That has changed so much in the last 10 years or so (and yes, it took a long time for me to feel secure enough to be able to do it).

I've been reading your last couple of posts with great interest. I had a few friends who totally destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to me. This was back around the high school years (back in the stone age ;-) At first, I figured it was something I did wrong, that I wasn't worth the truth. Now, those relationships are why I will not tolerate anyone lying to me our about me. BTDT, don't ever want that t-shirt again. I will end friendships at the drop of a hat if someone is being less than truthful with me (and I know everyone has their own perspective on truth, I mean more intentionally lying or omitting). And why the worst thing anyone can accuse me of is lying.

Getting to self acceptance is a long hard road. Sounds like you're progressing in the journey :-)

I stopped feeling like I had to put on an act and could just be me

That's it, that's exactly what I'm looking for. I think five years ago I wouldn't even have been able to see that what I was doing was, in fact, "putting on an act". I felt like I just wasn't telling everybody my life story all the time, that's all. Ha! No, in retrospect, that's not all. Not by a long shot. :-)

I had a few friends who totally destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to me.

Ick. I've never, thank goodness, had that experience.

I've had some friends who have destroyed my faith in them by constantly lying to THEMSELVES. When they say something to me, it really is the truth as they know it, or more precisely, it's the truth as they fervently hope and wish it to be. Denial is a powerful thing. The upshot, though, is that I can't trust what I hear from such a person.

I've also had people destroy my faith in them by repeatedly failing to keep their word. There's no deliberate deception - when the word was given it was believed - but the track record and the results show I can't believe what I hear from such a person.

I've also had people destroy my faith in them by taking actions that are in direct conflict with their word. Often such a person will then blame me for not believing what he says.

These three are some of the big reasons why, if I were searching for a life partner, "self-awareness" would be very high on my list of criteria.

Getting to self acceptance is a long hard road. Sounds like you're progressing in the journey :-)

Thanks! I'm working on it. Probably the best gift I can give myself... and one of the better gifts I might be able to give to those close to me, too.

I wish you very well, if that's what you want. But remember, a lack of openness doesn't necessarily mean a lack of self-acceptance. There are those of us who have found a huge measure of self-acceptance and still remain closed. Not dishonest - that's a different animal. Just closed. Perhaps the difference is that being closed becomes a choice rather than an imperative?

But, Kathy, in the context I read this in, I don't think you're closed. I think you're highly selective about who you share yourself with, but I don't consider that closed. I consider that discriminating (or picky ;-)

To me, being closed is more how much of yourself you let anyone see. I know CJ gave an example of sharing more than someone is comfortable doing with her, but I see it also as being able to be open with yourself.

*shrug* I could be wrong. Wouldn't be the first time ;-)

Hrm, good food for thought. So far, I tend to see my own closedness as a lack of self-acceptance and/or a lack of acceptance of the person to whom I'm (not) talking. It's quite possible that even were I incredibly self-accepting, I still wouldn't be incredibly open. (After all, for one thing, some people aren't worthy of trust, and there's no reason that even the most self-accepting person would be unable to make that distinction.) All I know is that these are some of the reasons, right now, why I have trouble being more open.

Like

computerchix, I don't see you as closed. Odd, that; I know you very little, so far, so it's odd that I should have such a guess.

Still, the willingness to share of oneself, from the heart, even when nothing comes back... that bespeaks a level of comfort with oneself, a level of self-acceptance, that I admire.

Hm. I see your general point, but my mileage varies on the specifics: I don't see a lot of correlation, positive or negative, between people who discuss their negative feelings ("innermost doubts") a lot and people who seem comfortable with themselves - although it makes sense that they'd be connected for some people.

They're not all that connected for me because self-acceptance for me is deeply entwined with acceptance in general. And when I'm in an acceptance frame of mind, I don't really have doubts, and I don't perceive myself as deeply "layered" with an "inner" and an "outer" part.

(Needless to say, this is not a permanent condition! It's something that I get to at times.)

Hrm. At the very least, I worded that suboptimally. How about, instead of "innermost doubts", say any deep feeling? Or perhaps closer to my experience, any self-contradiction? Would that show more correlation? (I think it might for me; I do see some people who I perceive as sharing their self-doubt widely in the hope of gaining acceptance from others, and that's not the sort of thing I meant.)

When I'm in an acceptance frame of mind, I still have doubts... or rather, I perceive myself as a bundle of contradictions. At any given moment, one side of a contradiction may be showing more than another, so I do get a bit of a "layered" feel. The acceptance can be (and at my best moments, is) not only about each set of feelings and thoughts, but also about the very fact that they're contradictory.

Anyhow, as I said in my reply to

klwalton above, I see self-acceptance as one of the things required for me to be open. I admire openness in others because of what it would take for me to be able to do that. I see it as courageous whether it really is or not. :-) I don't know if those traits actually have to go together for everyone, or even whether I myself would automatically be very open towards other people if I were wonderfully self- (and in-general-) accepting.

I think there's a correlation between being self-accepting and not being terribly angsty about what other people think of them, and sometimes that would translate into showing deep feelings and/or showing/acknowledging self-contradiction.

Yes, yes: I think humans are inherently self-contradictory so a self-accepting state of mind embraces that aspect too.

Based on what I know about you, I agree that self-acceptance would go along with openness for you. I didn't mirror your use of "required" because I suspect that moments of openness could lead to more self-acceptance as well as the other way around.

Still, I hope someday to get to the point where I'd be able to share my innermost hopes and fears and doubts with a friend who was interested but was unable to share the same in return. Maybe I wouldn't always do it, but I'd be able.

You can practice on me if you like. :) I really don't have friends with whom I'm very open. I mean, I share some aspects of my life with them, but very few of my deepest feelings.

Yet, it's not a lack of self-acceptance. Some of it stems from some very bad experiences with people I couldn't trust. I also moved around a lot growing up, so I never really had the experience of sustaining a lifelong (or at least long term) friendship. My sister and brother were my best friends (and worst enemies, at times).

Hmmm...I need to go post on this in my own journal, so I'm not taking over yours! :) Thanks for making me think, CJ -- you are really cool and awesome that way.

A fellow traveller :),
-Wen

Some of it stems from some very bad experiences with people I couldn't trust.

Ayup. I can understand that completely. (For example, I may aspire to be emotionally open, but I also understand why someone might choose to stay in the closet.) I'm actually misanthropic in a lot of ways... some people, maybe a lot of people, just aren't trustworthy in my eyes.

Of course, I admire whatever it is that makes people okay with THAT, too. I'm not sure I'll ever get there though. I mean, I'm still physically small and weak.

No need to worry about "taking over" my journal... comment here as much as you like! I'll enjoy reading what you write whereever it shows up! (and *blush* thanks!)

Here's to the journey :-)

Hi, CJ-
I just want to say that, in general, your post rang so true to me. I meet a lot of people through work and constantly notice the "self acceptance" dynamic that you illustrated. I had a couple incidents yesterday. Thanks for putting it to words. I'll add that I think self acceptance is the key to accepting the differences among people in our dynamic societies. At times, insecurities are at the root of the conflict we see.
Just so you know, you can always be open w/me. I know we may come from different perspectives on different topics at times but that is what makes conversation great, as you point out, being honest.

Thanks, Michelle!

I agree with you that accepting differences is also closely entwined. For me, the more secure I feel about myself, the less someone else's differing opinion or perspective is a threat. Like you say, different perspectives make for more intriguing conversations. I learn more that way!

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