I ask you

[cjsmith]

I hate asking people for things beyond the basic “hey could you hand me that” kind of thing. I knew this. I’m reminded it’s still true. I’m almost pathologically … no. I am absolutely, pathologically resistant to asking anyone to change a behavior in order to make my life easier or happier.

It has come to my attention that this can actually damage relationships.

Sigh.

Comments

[noelfigart]

*sits beside you*

[siliconshaman]

Yeah... me too.

On top of that I also have trouble saying no when someone asks for my help. I'm getting better, but it's hard.

[batrachian]

( * ) I'm in this picture and I don't like it.

[labelleizzy]

Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah. J and I've been together 18 years and asking for Certain things I needed has been hard for a long time.

I had to start small and build trust. We both did. I had to try and change the things that bothered him, and I had to make a conscious effort to use my WORDS.

Because apparently I still had some of that "if he LOVES ME he would just KNOW" bullshit script remaining... ARGH

and now I use my words more, and we're both having a better time with things .

[minoanmiss]

Yeah. *sighs and hugs you gently*

[zipperbear]

I can see how that could be a problem. Alas, here on the other side of the aisle, I have to share a sad fact: Even if you ask, it's often really hard for people to change their habits. Even if they care about you, and even if they are willing to try to change, it may take a lot of reminding. (Example: I do the laundry, but my fingers don't like buttons. Recently, my husband's polo shirts haven't had all the buttons undone. I'm not sure how he gets them over his head, but they don't fit onto the hangers with the buttons fastened. He's always apologetic when I mention it, but I think maybe he's too old of a dog to learn new tricks now.)

If you can't ask for changes, can you at least mention the impact on you? Or discuss the behavior in the abstract? It seems like that might be easier, or at least a step in the right direction.

I'm currently working on "Yes, And..." (explicitly agreeing with statements before going off on tangents or bring up exceptions, which comes off as dismissive) -- it's really hard to change a behavior, but I'm getting faster at recognizing when I've slipped up, sometimes halfway into my first sentence!

[amaebi]

*offers hugs*

[zahraa]

Augh. That is super difficult. I'm sorry.