But I did overdo it

[cjsmith]

I wrote that geocaching was a good way to get out without overdoing it, but I gotta face up to the fact that I overdid it. I'm still learning what all the signals are. It's very easy for me to not know I'm crossing the line if I've had lots of breaks throughout the day.

My square dance friends were very understanding tonight, and they let me sit and watch them (instead of dancing) while I periodically rested my right forefoot on an ice pack. I sure hope I don't have to give up square dancing. I could take a month off and still be an okay dancer, but if I take six months off I will not be good at it when I return. And it would be very rough on me if I had to quit for years or permanently.

[LJ-CUT TEXT="My mental state"]

I vacillate hugely between periods of hope (I'll find the answer! I'll rest it or ice it or stretch it or massage it or medicate it or get surgery or something, and I'll be able-bodied again!) and periods of despair (why bother doing anything? it'll never get any better). I never did like roller coasters, and emotional ones are no exception.

I've got a slowly growing ball of anger at the entire medical profession. It doesn't help that in doing my 2004 taxes I saw how much money I've spent on this so far. I have no diagnosis, no prognosis, no way to make improvements, no estimate of when I'll have any of these things, and no information about how (eg tests) to get any of these things. No doctor seems even *interested* in a diagnosis or a prognosis. Each doctor I see calls the previous one an idiot, some more politely than others. Each doctor tries his or her own pet theory, charges me a chunk of money, and gets no results. Not a one will admit they don't know and send me along to someone who might. It's as if there's a vast conspiracy trying to PREVENT me from getting any useful medical care of any kind at all. (I know that's not really what's going on, but from the outside it sure does look like it.) To say it's frustrating would be quite the understatement.

(I know, "find another doctor". Anyone want to loan me the money for it, or even suggest a budget limit?)

(Comments about how wonderful YOUR doctor is are not real helpful here, 'k? Unless your doctor is a podiatrist, is in my area, and is taking new patients, in which case please do let me know.)

In fairness, my latest podiatrist has only seen me once. I'll let her know her first attempt isn't working, ask whether she thinks she knows what's wrong, and ask when and how she thinks she WILL know. Also in fairness, my previous podiatrist doesn't know he failed, 'cause his last attempt was so silly that I gave up on him and haven't spoken to him in months. Feedback is a necessary part of all this, so it's my job to tell him I'm still searching. *sigh*

And then, of course, I look around and see that things could be so much worse. I *can* walk a little. I can drive to work and do my work. Perspective, perspective. (But if one more sixty-five-year-old tells me smarmily that I'm "too young to be in this much pain" I just might smack him.)

[/LJ-CUT]

One day at a time, one step at a time. It's all any of us can do I suppose.

Comments

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you are going through this. As my as my medical conditions (asthma and allergies, mostly) annoy me, it is almost a blessing to know that are not going to be cured anytime soon. All I want is someone to treat it who takes it seriously and keeps to up date. I left my last doctor because all he would do is renew prescriptions I already had. My doctor keeps trying new medicines and treatments. There's some annoyance factor there and the cost is no small deal, but at least I know we're trying, and there's a chance things will get better. That's nice.

But your situation is different, or so it seems. I don't know anything about your condition and if you'd asked me a month ago I would have been naive enough to assume there was a cure or treatment for it. But it seems there isn't, not that everybody can agree on. And getting a doctor to say 'I don't know' is not an easy thing. Man, I thought cops we're control freaks. (*weak smile*)

Sometimes going to Best Buy is so much easier than going to the doctor. You still get bad service sometimes, but if push comes to shove you can at least find the manager and point out to him that he's can either have your business for one day or for 5 years, and it's his choice. And if he still screws you over, you can tell all your friends not to go to that store. That's the hard part of having an obscure medical condition. You probably don't know ANYBODY within 20 miles of you that has the same thing. Wish you did, though, because I'm sure they would have better advice. Have you looked online for websites or communities or anything like that? I suspect you have.

You're right, though, feedback is a big part of it. And I know it's hard, but you may have to be direct right up front. If you end up switching doctors or even on your next visit to your current one, just sit there and tell him exactly how you feel and what you want. You're not interested in managing the pain or getting back feeling (or whatever) but you want to be "fixed" (or whatever it is you do want). Just tell him. Maybe even ask him how many patients he's had with this condition and what the result of his treatment was. If he can't seem to offer what you need, thank him for his time. That's awfully hard, though.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I understand what you mean about the blessing of certainty. I'd certainly rather this were curable, but emotionally I'd be doing a lot better right now if I knew for sure that it would be permanent. :-/

I want a doctor that will work on contingency -- I pay if I received value! Wouldn't that be a deal worthy of Best Buy? As a society, we revile lawyers, but it's interesting to note that among that group there are some who'll work that way. Doctors, not a one.

[jupiter29.livejournal.com]

Very good point. I think everyone would rather be curable, but you do suffer on the emotional side for a possible future benefit on the physical side. I wonder when the point is where "enough is enough," so to speak? When would people just give up trying new things and settle for maintenance and temporary relief? If the physical condition is cancer or AIDS, that line would be pretty high, I suspect. But with other stuff, it would vary quite a bit.

Working on contingency would be excellent! Although the cynic in me suggests that lawyers are willing to work on contingency for two main reasons: 1) they can pick and choose their clients based on the chances of winning, and 2) "winning" is a lot easier when the concept of settlements in included. My gut feeling is that the only doctor who would ever consider working on contingency would be something like an OB/GYN. Actual conditions that might not respond to treatment are much more lucrative, or at least dependable, paid on an hourly basis. :)