Kitty status

I looked at the instructions for the Laxatone (petromalt-analogue). It said For Hairball use 1/2 to 1 teaspoonful for 2-3 days. Follow this with 1/4 to 1/2 teaspoonful 2-3 times a week.

Teaspoonful? Oooookay.

I poured a horrifying amount onto my finger. It began oozing off the sides. I think if I left it on too long it would eat its way into my skin and begin crawling up my arm, converting flesh to slime as it went, until eventually my whole body would be a large slowly-moving mass of brown goo. Good kitty-mom that I am, I immediately transferred this threat to jackiecat. One enormous thick smear went down her front leg and the remaining bit I mashed along her ribcage.

She's supposed to lick it off! Right? Any self-respecting... okay, strike that. But isn't that the collective wisdom of cat people everywhere? She'll lick it off? Fool that I am, I had fallen for this. I wondered whether that small sound I could hear was jackiecat cackling.

What did she do? I hear you cry. She ran around like a balloon someone had just let go of, shaking her sticky leg and flinging gobs of disgusting brown goo in all directions. From time to time she would freeze, give me a cornered rabid animal look, and hold her goopy leg up delicately as if it had been injured.

I chucked her in the room with the litterbox. She howled. I ignored her. She scratched at the door. I went in there with my papers from work, sat on the floor, and tried to avoid being distracted by her wounded looks of utter betrayal and her glares promising retribution.

Near midnight her tone changed, and I looked, and she had finally given up and licked off the pitiful amount that was still clinging to her.