I ask you

[cjsmith]

I hate asking people for things beyond the basic “hey could you hand me that” kind of thing. I knew this. I’m reminded it’s still true. I’m almost pathologically … no. I am absolutely, pathologically resistant to asking anyone to change a behavior in order to make my life easier or happier.

It has come to my attention that this can actually damage relationships.

Sigh.

Comments

[labelleizzy]

Yes. Those three factors are HUGE. And trust is at the base of all of them.

*Hugs*

[cjsmith]

*fierce hugs back*

I do have, intellectually if not in my gut where it counts, evidence that the other person gives a shit. (The fact I don't "trust it in my gut" is probably a trauma response. Technically that's a me problem, but since it won't go away quickly, it becomes an us problem, a thing we both work with and respond to.) At least I've got this knowledge in my logic-brain. This is superb.

In addition, I'm pretty sure I can and will at least keep trying with working at something until we find an alternate solution. I have a relationship that has lasted three decades and change; we've done a lot of creative solution finding in that time, so I know I'm capable of that. This is a good thing to know about myself and I'm kind of proud of it. Like, even if that relationship were to dissolve tomorrow, I know what I'm like in that kind of long term situation, and I have some traits there that I think are cool and nifty.

So now I need to work on the saying no piece of trust.

Hmm. This has been very helpful. Thank you. ♥

[zahraa]

It is a thing to be proud of, three decades!

Trust really is key to everything, and, geez, it's hard.

[cjsmith]

Heh! Three decades where we had the choice to leave and didn’t, three decades where we are treating each other well instead of devolving into bitterness and contempt - yeah, I’ll take it. That’s a good thing. Thank you!

While the character traits and self-knowledge may be more widely applicable, though, the specific skills probably are not. I wonder if there’s a way to work on building up trust.

[labelleizzy]

One of the writers I follow here, ysabetwordsmith, writes stories about characters building and teaching practical emotional skills as well as physical skills. You might enjoy them.

[cjsmith]

Ooo, that’s a name I remember from LJ. Thank you!

[zahraa]

Yeah, three decades of all of those things, wow! Take some pride in it.

I believe that our brains are more malleable than we think, so I think there should be skill-building for trust.

[cjsmith]

I agree wholeheartedly on brains being more malleable than most give them credit for.

I suspect working on trust looks very different if it’s one person working on trust issues in general versus if it’s two people working on one person’s specific, situational lack of trust. I shall noodle on that.