I ask you

[cjsmith]

I hate asking people for things beyond the basic “hey could you hand me that” kind of thing. I knew this. I’m reminded it’s still true. I’m almost pathologically … no. I am absolutely, pathologically resistant to asking anyone to change a behavior in order to make my life easier or happier.

It has come to my attention that this can actually damage relationships.

Sigh.

Comments

[zipperbear]

I can see how that could be a problem. Alas, here on the other side of the aisle, I have to share a sad fact: Even if you ask, it's often really hard for people to change their habits. Even if they care about you, and even if they are willing to try to change, it may take a lot of reminding. (Example: I do the laundry, but my fingers don't like buttons. Recently, my husband's polo shirts haven't had all the buttons undone. I'm not sure how he gets them over his head, but they don't fit onto the hangers with the buttons fastened. He's always apologetic when I mention it, but I think maybe he's too old of a dog to learn new tricks now.)

If you can't ask for changes, can you at least mention the impact on you? Or discuss the behavior in the abstract? It seems like that might be easier, or at least a step in the right direction.

I'm currently working on "Yes, And..." (explicitly agreeing with statements before going off on tangents or bring up exceptions, which comes off as dismissive) -- it's really hard to change a behavior, but I'm getting faster at recognizing when I've slipped up, sometimes halfway into my first sentence!

[cjsmith]

Oh, this definitely comes into play. It is difficult to change habits. So after asking, there's the next phase: continuing to try, seeing if other workarounds are available, mentioning the impact, treating each other with compassion. Basically, open communication. Which is more difficult than I want it to be, waaaaaaaaaaaah!! (stamps foot)