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Thank you
Thanks to everyone who offered comments, support, and ideas in response to my "Deadline" post. I appreciate not only the support but the connection, the knowledge that someone out there hears and understands where I'm at with this. Quite a few someones, even. It means a lot to me.
Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.
Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).
I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.
And enormous thanks to![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.
Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.
Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).
I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.
And enormous thanks to
dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.
Internalized messages
I sense from reading your posts that you've internalized at least some of these counterproductive messages as well. I'm just guessing here (I'm no therapist, duh!), but this is what I've interpreted from things you've written. What you might want to do about these internalized messages is quite another question. Something about holding them up to the light where they might not survive would be my guess, but I really don't know.
And of course many other people will still think or act on these negative messages too -- but you're probably used to being a member of groups that are associated with negative stereotypes. A big problem is -- like internalized homophobia -- if these negative stereotypes act in concert with your own internalized stereotypes and fears, these messages from others will hurt a lot more.
It just seems to me that a big part of dealing with your challenging circumstances may be the internal efforts to change the messages you've inherited somehow.
OK, this is sounding like advice, and I really don't mean to leave advice. I just want to put these ideas out there for you, as some possibilities, some thought fodder. Please, please ignore if it's off base.
Re: Internalized messages
if these negative stereotypes act in concert with your own internalized stereotypes and fears, these messages from others will hurt a lot more.
No kidding. I have the "women are inferior" one etched on my bones, as it's how I was brought up and it took until I was in my mid-twenties before I met someone who thought differently -- so sexist comments sting a lot more than (say) jokes about bisexuals. I've never believed there was anything wrong with being bi.
Fighting the "tapes" will be an integral part of my new attitude, yeah.
I really don't mean to leave advice.
No worries -- I just parsed it as "conversation." :-) And thanks for grokking.
Re: Internalized messages
Glad I got it right. :) Actually I don't have the physical disability negative stereotypes. I think that's why they stood out so much for me in the things you've written.
But, yeah, the "women are inferior" messages -- oooh those can get me! I think that may be the messages that make me react most strongly. I have those "women are inferior" messages etched into my bones too, and have spent my whole life fighting against. Without getting that message off my bones; *sigh*.
Oh yeah, I meant to add *HUGS* to my last comment. Remembering you have some nonjudgemental and supportive friends can be positive medicine too.
P.S. Still figuring out the visit thing....