I think I can understand that. I've never been where you are, but I've been in situations where it was really hard to know which direction to go. One particular time (and feel free to ignore me if this is very different than what you're feeling) I was in a quasi-relationship that I was focusing a good deal of mental energy on even though I know it was likely not to work out for reasons that were completely out of my control. And yet every time I tried to tell myself I should just live my life the "smart" way and let stuff I couldn't control work itself out, I've have this little voice in my head telling me that if I gave up, I didn't deserve it or if I didn't commit myself entirely than I wasn't doing the relationship justice. It was tough. It's really hard sometimes to accept there are things you can't really control and just try to live your life.

You know (I hope) that I'm not suggesting you give up hope, by any means. But you deserve to take control of your life again. :)