Thank you

[cjsmith]

Thanks to everyone who offered comments, support, and ideas in response to my "Deadline" post. I appreciate not only the support but the connection, the knowledge that someone out there hears and understands where I'm at with this. Quite a few someones, even. It means a lot to me.

Our culture is very big on the fighters, the people who never ever give up. We don't honor the people who work within their limitations, or who take a break from fighting for a while, even if it's obviously the smart or sane thing to do. There's a subtle disbelief people show when faced with someone who really has tried an enormous number of things none of which has worked. (Sometimes I think Americans believe an amputee should be able to grow a new leg by force of will. Failure to do so is some sort of personality flaw. I have my theories about how all this is a big case of denial, but this post is long enough.) I've bought into this attitude more than is healthy.

Not that I'm giving up exactly. I'll still go to physical therapy and to my doctor. I'll do my exercises and my stretches and I'll apply castor oil to my feet (that's the latest, and it's too early to say whether it's helping, so I won't ditch it now).

I'm definitely going to apply for the disabled parking hang-tag. A group of people in the waiting room at physical therapy this morning said the same: "I did that; it helped!" "Oh, DO it, it's what you need right now that counts." One woman offered to get me some information on a chair for cooking -- a lab chair, so it rolls *and* can go up and down (high enough to stir pasta, low enough for getting pans out of the cupboard). I told her I don't cook much, but to be honest, I admit I did bake more a while back. It was thoughtful of her to ask about cooking and offer to get the name of her "godsend" chair. She can walk, some, but she also uses a scooter, and she's had pain in the soles of her feet for ten years. I think I'm glad I'm not waiting for ten years to get the placard.

And enormous thanks to dizzdvl for offering to send me a swim cap and goggles. I haven't decided between the nearby high school's pool and the Y, but I'll do one or the other. There, you have my word on it: I will swim. Now that I've made a public declaration I'll do it.

Comments

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I just hope your Y is smarter than my Y ;)

I will try to get them in the mail tomorrow at lunch!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Isn't that nearly the height of the counters? That ought to do it, I'd think!

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I would so wear that!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thanks big bunches!!

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[vvvexation.livejournal.com]

On working within limits: oh yes. I've only just begun to forgive myself my own limitations, and I'm still constantly worrying about people's perceptions. Thanks for reminding me I'm not alone in this.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oh OK. I never knew that. Well, whether I get a red or a blue I'll be happier than I am now. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Yeah, quality life... that's very important to me, as I don't subscribe to the belief that all life is By Definition Good. Just like any other thing, life has to *earn* the "good" label in my universe. So my job is to make that happen. I admire your father's ability to make a hard choice in order to make his life better.

I fear blindness. BIG fear. It's my control-freakishness: I want to be completely independent, and there would be some big hurdles there.

Ramble any time. :)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think I've only had one person actually say something like that to me, but I always feel like everyone is thinking it.

That's one of the worst poisons of such a message -- it multiplies, because you never know who's simply not saying it. And I completely agree that the only true answer for that is to do what you think is right regardless, and yeah, that's awfully rough!

I too have had the "lazy" tape playing. My posts read as if I'm doing a lot, but there's always something else I'm not doing, some exercise I didn't do to perfection, some dietary weirdness I haven't tried. I've got to learn that there are limits to how much I'm willing to have this take over my life, too, and that doesn't equal lazy.

*hug*.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

a lot of people who've had very little illness or injuries in their lives have a very hard time understanding the kind of sickness that can actually keep you from doing something.

Yeah. I've dated way too many of those! Never again! I also know how hard it is on a person like that when a long string of good luck finally ends -- if one hasn't built the emotional endurance over a lifetime, then learning it at (say) age 75 isn't easy at all.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Oo, well put. It's hard to forgive myself my own limitations.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

You are totally inspirational. I just have garden variety plantar fasciitis and was feeling mopey at my upcoming honeymoon trip to the Natural History museum at the Smithsonian. But wow, you're pretty amazing and I figure that if you can find ways around your foot problem and even consider your limits and figure out how to work with them, then I can put up with some pain to see some dinosaur bones and some rocks. I am grateful that I can stuff my shoes with all kinds of supports and cushions, massage them with a tennis ball, and heat/ice them into compliance.

I wish that your feet could be treated as easily. But I'm glad that you are able to see around corners and find solutions.

[klwalton.livejournal.com]

I plan on becoming a very old lady, and I shall exercise in a pool every day and will wear a swim cap like that and a bathing suit with a skirt. That, at least, is one of the things I aspire to.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Inspirational? For wimping out? 1/2 :-) (I do feel like that's what I'm doing, in some ways. *sigh*. bad mental tape.)

I just have garden variety plantar fasciitis

Plantar fasciitis sounds truly annoying to me -- I'm not sure I'd be griping any less if that's what I had. I fear it. How long have you had that pain? (Rob had it for a bit over a year, if I recall correctly. One gal I saw this morning has had it for ten.)

then I can put up with some pain to see some dinosaur bones and some rocks.

Or you could see if the Smithsonian has scooters. They might! Then you would get to see dinosaur bones and rocks without pain. :-)

I'm glad there are some things that alleviate the pain. I hope the tennis ball massage doesn't hurt badly while you are doing it! I could imagine that it might. :-(

[gjo.livejournal.com]

Pilots take no special joy in walking. Pilots like flying. - Neil Armstrong

[sunnydale47.livejournal.com]

Oh, CJ, I'm so sorry I didn't read your other post in time to comment. I've been in a tailspin again since I discovered the latest betrayal (the $$$$ one), and haven't been reading enough.

I was in denial for a long time. In my case I knew my disorders were permanent, but I insisted that I could do whatever I wanted anyway -- even though I knew I'd pay for it later by having to pretty much live in the recliner for a few days. I refused to get a cane or a handicrap^TM parking tag because that would be admitting that I was disabled.

I got the handicrap tag first because it was so painful to walk, and it was an enormous help. I'd had to stop going to the mall because I couldn't walk around and still make it back to the car -- especially if I'd bought anything and had to carry stuff. And in those days the mall was pretty much all the shopping there was in town, so it was a major problem. Being able to use the handicrap spaces made my life much easier.

But I still refused to get a cane because "I was too young". One day I was struggling along on the second floor of the mall, hanging onto the railing, and every time I got to an aisle that crossed over and had to walk without the railing it was awful. I finally realized that I could have something to lean on wherever I went if I just had enough sense, and I finally got a cane.

Once I got the hang of using it I realized how incredibly foolish I had been. I wished I'd hadn't forced myself to do without it for so long. I never used the institutional one my PT gave me -- I found a very pretty one and felt much better using that. Eventually I found a gorgeous hand-carved one from Kenya (it looks vaguely like these (http://www.beautysinternationalmarketplace.com/images/Nov16WalkStickCombo.gif)) (it was on clearance at the SERRV shop (http://www.serrv.org/) so I only paid $16 for it!!). I got compliments on it absolutely everywhere I went, often from total strangers, and I realized that instead of seeing it as a mobility aid, people saw a fashion accessory, and it was a great feeling knowing that people weren't pitying me for being disabled. (So if you ever decide to get a cane, it's worth spending a little extra to get a pretty one.)

Acceptance is not the same as "giving up." You can continue working to get better while still accepting that, at least for the near future, you will be dealing with the pain and reduced mobility. You can focus on making life easier now while you continue to hope for improvement.

I'll watch your journal more carefully now. You're always there for me with helpful, friendly or cheerful comments, as appropriate, and even though you obviously have a lot of wonderful friends, I want to be there for you too with whatever insights and help I can give.

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

Inspirational? For wimping out? 1/2 :-) (I do feel like that's what I'm doing, in some ways. *sigh*. bad mental tape.)

Ya know, I was just thinking that it's not necessarily a bad mental tape. It can provide you with a benefit -- it helps you not to actually wimp out, but to explore other possibilities to the point that you are as satisfied as you reasonably can be that at this time you've done all you can do.

Or you could see if the Smithsonian has scooters.

I hadn't thought of that! I'll ask.

I hope the tennis ball massage doesn't hurt badly while you are doing it! I could imagine that it might.

In my case, it's the exact opposite. It feels very good. Most of the time, I heat my feet (I have it in both and have had it for nearly two years), massage with a tennis ball, then heat again. When I've overtaxed my feet (they're very good about letting me know, heh), I tennis ball them without heat (relieves the pain) and then I ice them (reduces inflammation).

It sucks, but I do get relief and I do get to use the gym. When my feet are in good shape, I use the treadmill (ellipticals exacerbate the problem for me and I don't know why). When they suck, I use stationary bicycles and the pool. I can always do weights -- my feet don't care.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Indeed. Time for me to get back in the air! That's one thing my feet aren't stopping me from doing.

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Good point -- I think one of the reasons "bad" mental tapes stick around so long is that they *do* have benefits.

I'm glad the tennis ball feels good! And I could become an ice junkie. It continually surprises me how well ice can (for a minute or two) take the pain away.

[dizzdvl.livejournal.com]

I have a suit with a skirt too! But it has a sexy zipper on the top, so I can be the sexy old lady!

[cassidyrose.livejournal.com]

I admire you for looking for alternatives and for plugging away at this for so long.

I also feel for you. When I was diagnosed with osteoarthritis three years ago I fell apart. I was 27--how could I have arthritis? (simple answer: got dealt bad joints at birth, played competitive athletics for many years, and danced for many yeas). Anyhow, the hardest part for me has been accepthing that I do indeed have limitations, and that those limitations will probably just grow, not lessen with time. It is a tough one but I am so glad you are finding ways to deal.

And yay for swimming!

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

I've not seen all blue spots full -- but I have seen some ID10T parking his yellow Hummer diagonally across TWO blue spots near the Alberstons near where I work. He was sitting in it, no hang-tag, no placard on the dash, no plates. As I left, I saw him hop out & walk around the side of the vehicle. I glared at him & hoped that he'd move his vehicle soon!

My grandmother had a placard & a plastic hang-tag. Her disability was one of the invisible ones, (congestive heart disease). My only old beef with my grandmother's use of her placard was parking in a blue spot when one right next to it was also available & would not have made any difference in her walking distance.

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure which disc it is, but my mother is dealing with a herniated disc right now. Stretching and working out at Curves (http://www.curvesinternational.com) is helping some, but it is a long way from better (if it will ever be better).

I believe swimming is an encouraged method of exercise. The two roadblocks seem to be (a) she feels the Timpany Center (http://bayarea.easterseals.com/site/PageServer?pagename=CABY_ESCC_Intro) pool is far to drive to & (b) she does not feel comfortable swimming alone in the pool at her SJ house (which may also still be cold this time of year as it is solar heated with blankets which are currently off).

[shadopanther.livejournal.com]

My mother has had plantar fasciitis too. Thankfully her feet are behaving themselves while she deals with her back's herniated disc problem as it is resulting in lots of standing.

My mother also had trouble with her plantar fasciitis with the (supposedly low impact) ellipticals. We also do not know why.

Good feet healing wishes for both amywithani & cjsmith. -- Shadopanther

[therobbergirl.livejournal.com]

I have a theory with the ellipticals. I notice that most of them give me trouble, but one does not (nope, I don't know make/manufacturer, sorry). I also notice that I have to concetrate on keeping my feet planted flat on the pedals -- I have a strong tendency to go halfway on my toes. I wonder if I'm taxing the muscle when I do that?

Both the elliptical that doesn't hurt my feet and the others are the kind that run on a metal track. You can program the machine to slope the tracks into some pretty sharp uphills. They are not the machines where you hold onto to hand levers at the same time.